Tag Archives: Office of Special Affairs

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Hails Fake STAND Member Program as a Complete Success

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“COB today congratulated Scientology phony PR front group STAND for reaching a milestone of 10,000 fake members,” Ken Delusion announced.

“These mocked up Scientologists now outnumber real Scientologists,” Delusion noted. “Which goes to show that Scientologists can create new and better realities, get the best parking spots, put out intention beams to get green lights at intersections, and postulate new Scientology parishioners where none actually exist.”

“It’s not fraud, it’s OT Magic!” enthused Delusion.

“And thanks to a new IAS grant, STAND can now purchase another 10,000 stock photos to use as STAND members. It really is straight up and vertical expansion in Scientology,” Delusion rhapsodized, his eyes glazed over and his smile fixed as if he were in another of his phantasmagorical and maniacal trances.

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Scientologist Charles Manson

Reverend Bob Tilton Handles Scientology & Pulls Marty Rathbun’s Withhold

Scientology Media Productions new show “The Troika” smashes all Scientology broadcasting records!

Scientology Media Productions’ new show The Troika breaks all Scientology broadcasting records by averaging 1200 views per episode.

“With an investment of $100,000,000 in SMP’s facilities, the 22 episodes of The Troika aired to date have vindicated COB’s strategy of going straight to YouTube and skipping wog television networks,” said VP Ken Delusion of SMP Programming. “And more to the point, the questions about Marty’s sanity have only fueled interest in the show as viewers tune in to see what Marty will concoct next. Because he is a walking cluster, one never knows which Marty will appear on any given episode.”

“Some are already favorably comparing Marty’s long-winded, irrational, and conspiratorial bloviations to the gold standard prose Danny Sherman pens for David Miscavige’s six hour speeches.”

Kathy Griffin Advises Scientology on Fair Game; Fails.

A simulacrum of the bloody severed head of President Trump was Kathy Griffin’s proposed example of what Scientology FAIR GAME should look like in 2017. Needless to say, Griffin’s visual did not go over well with focus groups.

Moreover, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige wanted something different than your basic Scientology head on a pike — and that’s why the depraved goons in the Office of Special Affairs called upon the services of George Remini and Dana Connaughton.

We in RTC have to agree that this gruesome twosome are far more offensive to our sensibilities than anything Kathy Griffin did:

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Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Orders Scientology Security Forces to Stand Down in Clearwater

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After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.

“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).

“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”

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Battlefield Earth: Shelly Battles Terl!

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