Tag Archives: Office of Special Affairs

Scientology Interfaith Event Speaker Contract and Release


I________________________________ hereby covenant and contract with the Church of Scientology International (the Church) to be a speaker at the Church’s Interfaith Event to be held at ___________________________ on the date of __________________.

In exchange for the valuable consideration of the enormous personal prestige and valuable reputational benefits that will accrue to me as a designated Scientology Interfaith speaker, I agree to the following terms and conditions:

A. Honorarium: I understand that my honorarium will be $25,000 per event if I am not  well known outside of my denominational circle. However, if I am a published religious scholar in the field of New Religious Movements my pay will $50,000 per event, or more, depending upon how valiantly I defend Scientology. If I am a national leader working at a top university my honorarium will be $100,000 or more per event.

B. Acquisition of Purloined Letterhead: I agree to procure twelve (12) sheets of original letterhead paper from my organization and provide it to the Church. I further agree that the Church will have no knowledge of how I came to possess this letterhead. No questions will be asked.

C. Furnishing of Letterhead to Designated Terminals: I will furnish the aforementioned purloined letterhead paper to a designated representative (terminal) of the Church’s Office of Special Affairs (OSA). I will do this under the cover of darkness in a back alley. The location is to be selected by OSA. I will wait at a predesignated street corner for a phone call telling me where to deliver the letterhead in a sealed envelope hidden inside a locked briefcase. I will conceal my identity by wearing a hat and a fake mustache. If I have a mustache, I will wear a fake mustache over my real mustache.

D. The Use of My Name: I freely give my consent to OSA to write anything it wants and needs on my organization’s letterhead, to sign my name to it, and to place it in the Church’s websites and publications without limitation.

E. Silence in the Event of Being Exposed: I acknowledge that if my OSA-created letters are exposed in the media that I will remain silent and make no comments until I have been counseled by wog lawyers representing the Church.

F. Forgery Denial/Assertion of Religious Bigotry: All parties to this contract agree that “forgery” is an ugly word and will never be used. I agree that any narrative OSA creates using my name on my institution’s letterhead, no matter how seemingly wild, lunatic, paranoid, or baseless said narrative is perceived to be, will never be deemed a forgery. Rather, all criticisms of an OSA-created narrative to which my name has been signed will be characterized as an attack upon both myself and the Church made by haters and anti-religious bigots.

G. Hold Harmless Agreement: I agree to the hold the Church, OSA, and its agents and assigns harmless from any and all reputational and financial damage that I may incur as a result of false, inflammatory, or completely insane letters created in my name by OSA.

H. General Release: I hereby release the Church from any reputational and financial damage I may suffer as a consequence of my participation in an Interfaith event. My release extends from the beginning of time four quadrillion years ago until this universe collapses by means presently unknown but will likely occur as the result of a massive Marcab attack launched from a parallel universe.

I. Statements by Staff Members: The Church, its board and its management take no responsibility for statements or claims made by staff members regarding the success or failure of Interfaith events conducted by the Church, particularly by the strange, hollow, and mentally unhinged being known as “Ed Parkin” aka “Pwnd by Mr. Peanut.” Any promises of “fame” or “fabulous new comm lines” made to me as an inducement to speak at a Scientology Interfaith event are not authorized and will not be honored by the Church, its board of directors or management.

J. Non-Disparagement: I agree never to disparage in any way, whether by word, deed, or secret thoughts, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige or Tom Cruise. I agree not to snicker, chortle, laugh, or stare at David Miscavige’s oddly confected ecclesiastical pompadour.

K. No Toilet Paper Provided: I understand that all Scientology Orgs on this miserable prison planet never have any toilet paper. I agree to furnish my own toilet paper at Interfaith events.

L. Binding Arbitration: I agree that if any legal hullabaloo arises from my OSA-created  letters that any disputes will be subject to binding arbitration conducted by the Scientology International Justice Chief. All proceedings will be held at the Scientology Dianetics Center in Karachi, Pakistan. I agree to pay for my personal security needs in Pakistan from my own funds. I further agree that the Church cannot even remotely guarantee my survival in Pakistan.

Signed this _____ day of  20______________

Signature__________________________________________

Witness___________________________________________

Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes to Scientology; Promises to Delete all Entheta on Scientology from Facebook

“Following a closed-door Serious Reality Adjustment Session with Scientology Pontiff David Miscavige and his ecclesiastical lawyers, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg publicly apologized to the Church of Scientology,” announced Ted Torquemada, the Chief Inquisitor of the Scientology religion.

“Mr. Zuckerberg’s change of heart, his repentance, and his promise to purge all entheta and Black PR about Scientology on Facebook was helped by the fact that a group of twelve very dedicated Russian Scientologists did some digging and found certain very unsavory information on Mr. Zuckerberg’s private habits and secret associates in what is clearly the Facebook Cartel.”

“For their dedicated work,” said Ted Torquemada, “the following Russian Scientologists in the Main Intelligence Directorate of the General Staff (Unit 74555) are very highly commended and have each received a one million dollar cash bonus from COB:

Mikhail Bystrov
Mikhail Burchik
Aleksandra Krylova
Anna Bogacheva
Sergey Polozov
Maria Bovda
Robert Bovda
Dzheykhun Ogly
Vadim Podkopaev
Gleb Vasilchenko
Irina Kaverzina
Vladimir Venkov

“Twitter be handled next by Unit 74555,” Ted Torquemada darkly intoned. “Jack Dorsey has certain… predilections… that would harm Twitter’s stock if this information came to light.”

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Hails Fake STAND Member Program as a Complete Success

FAKE.STAND

“COB today congratulated Scientology phony PR front group STAND for reaching a milestone of 10,000 fake members,” Ken Delusion announced.

“These mocked up Scientologists now outnumber real Scientologists,” Delusion noted. “Which goes to show that Scientologists can create new and better realities, get the best parking spots, put out intention beams to get green lights at intersections, and postulate new Scientology parishioners where none actually exist.”

“It’s not fraud, it’s OT Magic!” enthused Delusion.

“And thanks to a new IAS grant, STAND can now purchase another 10,000 stock photos to use as STAND members. It really is straight up and vertical expansion in Scientology,” Delusion rhapsodized, his eyes glazed over and his smile fixed as if he were in another of his phantasmagorical and maniacal trances.

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Scientologist Charles Manson

Reverend Bob Tilton Handles Scientology & Pulls Marty Rathbun’s Withhold

Scientology Media Productions new show “The Troika” smashes all Scientology broadcasting records!

Scientology Media Productions’ new show The Troika breaks all Scientology broadcasting records by averaging 1200 views per episode.

“With an investment of $100,000,000 in SMP’s facilities, the 22 episodes of The Troika aired to date have vindicated COB’s strategy of going straight to YouTube and skipping wog television networks,” said VP Ken Delusion of SMP Programming. “And more to the point, the questions about Marty’s sanity have only fueled interest in the show as viewers tune in to see what Marty will concoct next. Because he is a walking cluster, one never knows which Marty will appear on any given episode.”

“Some are already favorably comparing Marty’s long-winded, irrational, and conspiratorial bloviations to the gold standard prose Danny Sherman pens for David Miscavige’s six hour speeches.”

Kathy Griffin Advises Scientology on Fair Game; Fails.

A simulacrum of the bloody severed head of President Trump was Kathy Griffin’s proposed example of what Scientology FAIR GAME should look like in 2017. Needless to say, Griffin’s visual did not go over well with focus groups.

Moreover, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige wanted something different than your basic Scientology head on a pike — and that’s why the depraved goons in the Office of Special Affairs called upon the services of George Remini and Dana Connaughton.

We in RTC have to agree that this gruesome twosome are far more offensive to our sensibilities than anything Kathy Griffin did:

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