“COB RTC has issued a global disconnection order for Tuesday August 15, 2017,” announced Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion. “All Scientologists globally are ordered to disconnect from WiFi, cable, satellite dishes and all types of antennae capable of receiving the television show Scientology and the Aftermath.
“Scientologists are further ordered to unplug and store all devices capable of receiving broadcast signal. This includes computers, cell phones, tablets, televisions, radios, and all electronic gizmos, doodads, gimcracks, gee gaws, thingamabobs, thingamajigs, whatchamacallits, gadgets, idiot boxes, or any other widgets or contraptions capable of conducting electrons and emitting sound or visio. This is a total ban on all electron-powered doohickeys. There is to be no cheating upon pain of death.”
“Any Scientologist caught watching Leah or even ‘sneaking a peek’ this coming Tuesday August 15th will be dealt with by use of ecclesiastical thumbscrews, the rack, and so forth and so on. As Marcellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction, COB says to all Scientologists, ‘I’m going to go medieval on your ass!’ This is your last and final warning to not watch Scientology and the Aftermath!” Delusion darkly intoned after which he pronounced dire Black Scientology voodoo curses upon the Psychs, the ASC, Henry Kissinger, and a long list of other SP’s who bedevil Scientology and all that is holy.
After hearing that the A&E show Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath won the TCA award for Outstanding Achievement in Reality Programming, the Church of Scientology collapsed on the pavement and was rushed to the hospital and placed in intensive care for heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and an anxiety attack.
“This is the second time in less than a month that the Church of Scientology has been rushed to the ER of the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “The prognosis is grim. Initial tests by Dr. Metah Bolic show a dangerous and inoperable Miscavige tumor in Scientology’s brain.”
“As reported by Ellen Thompson, Scientologist Elisabeth Moss was able to flee from the auditorium when it was announced that Leah had won. Elisabeth went Type III and is being held in an Introspection Rundown at PAC Base. As you can imagine,” Delusion noted, “Leah’s victory is a huge third dynamic engram for Scientologists. After all, they donated $100,000,000 for Scientology Media Productions, a downstat Org that has zero product in over a year.”
After an intense 48 hour manhunt and dragnet conducted by over 1,200 members of Scientology’s security forces, it has been determined that Tony Ortega was not in Clearwater. Nevertheless, the threat of his mere presence in Clearwater resulted in a DEFCON 5 red alert and the deployment of all available security forces. Following the stand down order, Scientologists may safely leave their panic rooms and return to their course rooms.
“Flag Land Base is safe once again thanks to valiant efforts Fleet Admiral David Miscavige to safeguard Scientology,” said Church spokesman Captain Ken Delusion, CO of the Parishioner Action Response Allied Network Operational International Agency (PARANOIA).
“PARANOIA is in constant action within Scientology,” emphasized Delusion. “It is a dangerous world out there and PARANOIA is, for the Scientologist, all that stands between danger and safety. For this reason, Scientologists must double and triple their IAS donations to keep Scientology’s PARANOIA fully funded. The OSA Staff at the Scientology PARANOIA control center tracks all SP’s 24/7/365 and is ready to launch a full scale response as happened over the weekend when a possible Ortega sighting was telephoned into the PARANOIA Crisis Center.”
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged Alex Gibney, church of scientology, Claire Headley, Crisis Center, David Miscavige, DEFCON, DEFCON ALERT, donate, donations, Flag Land Base, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, IAS, International Association of Scientologists, Ken Delusion, Leah Remini, Marc Headley, Mike Rinder, Office of Special Affairs, OSA, Paranoia, parishioners, Scientology Paranoia, Tony Ortega
“We in the Choich ah Scientology don’t know nuthin’ bout no computer hacking.”
“We are upstandin’ citizens Senator.”
“It’s just by some weird coincidence that this gumshoe — and we never herda this guy Saldarriaga — is hacking two guys who don’t like Scientology.”
“It’s just, ahhh, justa strange and unexplainable coincidence that this particular sitchu-achun would occur as it seems to have transpired.”
“Mr. Miscavige was outta town when it happened. He was real busy opening Ideal Orgs see. And with that we, as our twenty-two fancy wog attorneys have advised us Senator, assert our Fifth Amendment rights.”
The Top Secret Scientology Galactic War Room
Speaking from deep within the Top Secret Scientology Galactic War Room in Trementina, New Mexico, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today declared a Cosmic Emergency.
“The menace posed to Scientology organizations by Alex Gibney and HBO threatens every man, woman, and child on this planet,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Freedom Magazine hit piece on Gibney and HBO miserably failed to connect,” Delusion bitterly lamented. “So much for the rocket scientists at OSA thinking that hired wog tabloid writers could confront and shatter SP’s! None of those overpaid wog writers has even once bothered to get themselves sec checked let alone do the Super Power Rundown! They are so wog! ”
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s expertly crafted and expensive fusillade of full-page ads in the New York Times and Los Angeles Times also failed to bring Gibney and HBO to their knees. Worse, the criminal Joking & Degrading seen online today reached a crisis level as wogs engaged in uproarious laughter at the expense of the Church Scientology.”
“The fate of the planet is at stake; joking cannot be allowed,” Delusion gravely intoned. “Therefore, Fleet Admiral Miscavige has ordered the RTC A Team to bypass OSA and attempt to shame and humiliate Gibney and HBO when they land at the airport.”