“With the sudden and unexpected news of Jason Lee’s public announcement that he no longer practices Scientology, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered the new Church of Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check to be used on all celebrities who may get the idea they can just willy nilly leave Scientology,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “After all that COB did for Jason Lee, well, COB considers that Jason Lee is forwarding enemies lines. Mr. Lee may expect his SP Declare to be posted at CC Int this very day.”

The Church of Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check — to be used on any Scientology celebrity who originates that he or she wishes to leave Scientology.

Those times you secretly went Out 2-D? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details?

What evil purposes do you have to destroy Scientology?

How do you feel about having OSA put up multiple hate websites on you?

Have you ever raped a baby?

Your numerous drug relapses? How do you feel about your drug dealers confirming the details and the National Enquirer publishing the details?

What are your crimes against COB?

All of the nasty things you said in session about Steven Spielberg, George Clooney, Angelia Jolie, and other powerful directors and movie stars who could ruin your career? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details?

How many planets have you destroyed?

Your bi-curious and/or homosexual experimentation? How do you feel about the National Enquirer publishing the details and photos of these trysts?

How many civilizations have you enslaved?

The illegitimate child you had with the hired help? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details and photos?

Have you ever smuggled diamonds?

The bikini wax session with Pablo that turned into a quickie? How do you feel about the National Enquirer publishing the details and photos?

Who have you implanted this lifetime?

The numerous massages with Raul that all had a very happy ending? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details and photos?

The “pearl necklace” incidents in your trailer on location? How do you feel about TMZ publishing the details and photos?

Regarding all those times you broke into COB’s cabin on Maiden Voyage events to secretly sniff COB’s socks and underwear: How do you feel about TMZ publishing this story?

Part 2 from I/G Tech Techie:

Do you have disposable cash that could be donated to the IAS? (Session breaks for trips to the IAS Reg, Repeat to End Phenomenon of Broke).

Did you say anything critical about David Miscavige?

Have you revealed any unacceptable truths to the press?

Have you been in contact with persons who have left the Church? Who and how often?

Have you had fun or enjoyed yourself?

Note to the auditor: Run the Scientology Celebrity Routing Out Sec Check to an F/N with the EP: “I have changed my mind about leaving Scientology and wish to stay. Here is my $1,000,000 check to the IAS to make up for the damage I have done to the group. Thank you COB for this chance to redeem myself.”