Tom Cruise Promoted to Rear Admiral; Given Highest Scientology Award Ever

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Scientology Sea Org Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today promoted Captain Tom Cruise to Rear Admiral and awarded him with the Order of the Operating Golden Thetan VIII, the highest medal ever given in the Church of Scientology’s history.

Admiral Cruise’s promotion and medal were given in honor of the eleventh anniversary of Mr. Cruise having destroyed Psychiatry once and for all:

8 responses to “Tom Cruise Promoted to Rear Admiral; Given Highest Scientology Award Ever

  1. Is it just us or does “Rear” Admiral seems an especially awkward honorific under the circumstances?

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    • Awkward honorifics are a staple of Scientology, e.g. COB Vienna sausages are served at Flag restaurants. It is an awkward name, but nevertheless is a popular dish with IAS Patrons. They just can’t eat enough COB Vienna sausages.

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  2. It’s true, the evil psychs have been destroyed!!! Personally, I haven’t seen one for years. Thank you for your efforts Mr. Rear Admiral Tom Cruise!!! We cannot rest on our laurels however (like the OSA people seem to be doing), there is still plenty of entheta to handle in this world. I wish that Mr. Rear Admiral Tom Cruise would have given Ron Miscavige a talking to before he wrote that scandalous book about COB. BAM!!! WHAM!!! KAPOUW!!! I guess even the Biggest of Beings don’t have time to handle everything. We just need to see more of Mr. Rear Admiral Tom Cruise. Is that too much to ask to inspire us minuscule beings? Of course I would like to see Shelly again too but that might be asking too much.

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  3. According to my old friend Commodore Zsygmunt Pyszgumsz, Hungarian Navy (Ret’d in disgrace) ‘rear admiral’ is just old salt’s slang for the poor swab whose turn it was in the barrel on the fantail with a large bung-hole: “Ashore it’s wine, women and song; at sea it’s rum, bum and concertina.”

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  4. i cannot wait to tell my Psychiatrist about this news!!!

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  5. And the gods smiled fondly on South Park and saw that Tom was promoted to “rear” admiral. And there was much rejoicing by Trey and Matt at this news, for their material was writing itself now.

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