“What are the real facts about the Church of Scientology and computer hacking?” asked Dr. Frank Wonderman today during a special meeting to address recent scandalous allegations.
“The facts are these: When needed, the Church of Scientology reserves the right to hack into any computer when it is for the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”
“We in Scientology realize that wogs may not understand the principle of ‘the greatest good’ but then again, wogs are stupid, drug-using, implant-ridden homo saps.”
“What do wogs know?”
“When the Church of Scientology hacks computers, and it does frequently, it is done under the authority of an ecclesiastical search warrant issued by we in the Office of Special Affairs and signed off on by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.”
“Please be assured that if we hack your computer it is because you are a danger to yourself and the world. We are only trying to stop your suppressive rampage and wholetrack reign of terror before it engulfs the world in an Armageddon of unimagined horror — and here we are thinking of something far more hideous than even Battlefield Earth!”