The Church of Scientology and Computer Hacking: The Facts

Dr. Frank Wonderman, OSA Director of Computer Hacking Operations

Dr. Frank Wonderman, OSA Director of Computer Hacking Operations

“What are the real facts about the Church of Scientology and computer hacking?” asked Dr. Frank Wonderman today during a special meeting to address recent scandalous allegations.

“The facts are these: When needed, the Church of Scientology reserves the right to hack into any computer when it is for the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

“We in Scientology realize that wogs may not understand the principle of ‘the greatest good’ but then again, wogs are stupid, drug-using, implant-ridden homo saps.”

“What do wogs know?”

“When the Church of Scientology hacks computers, and it does frequently, it is done under the authority of an ecclesiastical search warrant issued by we in the Office of Special Affairs and signed off on by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.”

“Please be assured that if we hack your computer it is  because you are a danger to yourself and the world. We are only trying to stop your suppressive rampage and wholetrack reign of terror before it engulfs the world in an Armageddon of unimagined horror — and here we are thinking of something far more hideous than even Battlefield Earth!”

6 replies »

  1. What’s all the fuss about on the Rinder and Ortega hater sites? Neither of them were able to report the FULL story; namely, the existence of an ecclesiastical search warrant signed by Fleet Admiral Miscaviage which made the entire operation 100% legal and constitutionally protected religious speech. As Dr. Wonderman demonstrated, everything is on the up and up. There is nothing to see people. Please return to Scientology.org and let your mind be numbed by the comforting videos.

    We’ll be in touch soon to confirm your latest status upgrade.


    • The always upstat Captain Wholestolemycog is a natural born Ethics Officer who creates order in the midst of suppressive chaos by providing the exact data at correct orders of magnitude.

      VWD and 3x rice and beans this evening on your 15 minute dinner break.


      • Splutter splutter 3x!!! Rice and beans!!!!! 15 minute dinner!?!?!?!?! What’s next? Will he be allowed to spit polish his royal COBnesses John Lobbs? I had no idea such rewarspds even existed with that level of upstatness.


  2. I sold my Commodore 64 and used the funds to upgrade to my next Status. I have never felt better. Besides the lasting case gain I received from the Status upgrade, I was also able to remove a potential source of enturbulation from my hovel. At the same time, I found I was able to save money by tossing the dial-up modem and get rid of my telephone service thereby having even more funds available to donate to the Church to ensure my eternity. I would encourage all Scientologists to free themselves from the bonds of cyber-enslavement and do what I have done. If I need the latest information about anything important, I just go the the local Org and they are more than happy to tell me what I need to know. If I really need to know how to deal with something, I know that I can always write to Ron. SO #1 has been my lifeline to sanity and has saved me on many occasions.


    • Ms. B. Haven, it is dedication like your’s that brings tears to my eyes. I can only hope to emulate it.


    • Bravo bravo for Ms. B. Haven! All gung ho Scientologists need to throw off the shackles of Psych-Cyber-Oppression by following your example of getting rid of computers and ripping phone lines from the walls. And need we mention that cellphones cause deadly brain cancer that is incurable even by Dr. Jim Humble’s bleach enemas?

      The only safe place for a Scientologist is your nearest Ideal Org helping in Central Files or writing letters.


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