Tag Archives: computer hacking

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:


The Church of Scientology and Computer Hacking: The Facts

Dr. Frank Wonderman, OSA Director of Computer Hacking Operations

Dr. Frank Wonderman, OSA Director of Computer Hacking Operations

“What are the real facts about the Church of Scientology and computer hacking?” asked Dr. Frank Wonderman today during a special meeting to address recent scandalous allegations.

“The facts are these: When needed, the Church of Scientology reserves the right to hack into any computer when it is for the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

“We in Scientology realize that wogs may not understand the principle of ‘the greatest good’ but then again, wogs are stupid, drug-using, implant-ridden homo saps.”

“What do wogs know?”

“When the Church of Scientology hacks computers, and it does frequently, it is done under the authority of an ecclesiastical search warrant issued by we in the Office of Special Affairs and signed off on by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.”

“Please be assured that if we hack your computer it is  because you are a danger to yourself and the world. We are only trying to stop your suppressive rampage and wholetrack reign of terror before it engulfs the world in an Armageddon of unimagined horror — and here we are thinking of something far more hideous than even Battlefield Earth!”

We in Scientology Don’t Know Nuthin’

“We in the Choich ah Scientology don’t know nuthin’ bout no computer hacking.”

“We are upstandin’ citizens Senator.”

“It’s just by some weird coincidence that this gumshoe — and we never herda  this guy Saldarriaga — is hacking two guys who don’t like Scientology.”

“It’s just, ahhh, justa strange and unexplainable coincidence that this particular sitchu-achun would occur as it seems to have transpired.”

“Mr. Miscavige was outta town when it happened. He was real busy opening Ideal Orgs see. And with that we, as our twenty-two fancy wog attorneys have advised us Senator,  assert our Fifth Amendment rights.”