Tag Archives: Battlefield Earth

Scientology: Buggery on the High Seas!

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The motor vessel Freewinds will be the location of Scientology Media Productions first feature film Buggery on the High Seas.

Based on a screenplay by L. Ron Haddock, the film features “rum and sodomy, pinks and grays, and going OTVIII on a three-needle-swing ride to infinity!”

Volunteers are needed as extras for a crowd scene in which the depraved Psycholos bugger everyone on the ship. The film stars Scientologist John Travolta who reprises his role as Terl, the security chief in Battlefield Earth.

Dianetics: Modern Science of Mental Health for Homo Saps

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Following the unprecedented success of Guhlaxy Press selling 50,000,000 copies Battlefield Earth at Comic-Con 2016, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige is having Bridge Publications rush into production a 100,000,000 piece print run of Dianetics in comic book form. It’s “back to pulp” as it were.

Entitled Dianetics: Modern Science of Mental Health for Homo Saps, this edition of Dianetics with its irreverent, snarky, and outrageous new subtitle is sure to appeal to young people because, with the few exceptions of embarrassing morons like Joy Villa, we in Scientology are not connecting with young people these days.

Emergency StatPush: Battlefield Earth Has Sold Only 122 Copies!

BEClassified: The 2016 relaunch of Battlefield Earth has sold only 122 copies.

Galaxy Press is hereby assigned the condition of CONFUSION.

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Scientologists to immediately purchase 1,000 copies of Battlefield Earth or face a face-ripping Comm Ev!

We in Scientology cannot allow the likes of Leah Remini and Ron Miscavige to reach the top of the New York Times bestseller list while Battlefield Earth languishes at 43,935 on Amazon.

The statpush is on! Get out there and max out your credit cards to make Battlefield Earth boom!

 

David Miscavige – Louis Farrakhan Telethon Sells Billions of Copies of Battlefield Earth!

 

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“Thanks to the Battlefield Earth Telethon hosted by David Miscavige and Louis Farrakhan on Scientology Media Productions, billions of copies of Battlefield Earth were sold within the first hour of the relaunch of the 34 year old science fiction masterpiece,” declared Stayta Kleer, VP of Continuously Recycled Antiquated Products for Author Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of the Church of Spiritual Confusion.

“And as a result of the Scientology Sea Org one billion year contract being included in each copy of Battlefield Earth, over 1.2 million applications to join the Sea Org were received in the past 24 hours!” enthused Stayta Kleer.

“Battlefield Earth and the Sea Org: That’s winning in life!”
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HowdyCon Pronounced an Illegal Criminal Assembly

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— TO BE READ ALOUD TO THE ILLEGALLY ASSEMBLED HOWDYCON CRIMINAL ASSEMBLY BY THE DESIGNATED SP IN CHARGE—

Acting in his capacity as Imperial Galactic Interstellar Emperor, RTC Chief Inquisitor, and Space Warlord, Mr. David Miscavige today pronounced HowdyCon an illegal criminal assembly.

Actual investigation has determined HowdyCon to be awash in criminals, Suppressive Persons, bitter defrocked apostates, jokers and degraders, agents of Big Pharma, Marcabs, Helotrobes, Venutian freight locomotive operators, squirrels, communists, troublemakers, freethinkers, Trotskyite wreckers, diversionaries, saboteurs, and shadowy agents from the nebulous fringes of the internet.

Imperial Galactic Interstellar Emperor Miscavige has dispatched Bloviating Orbital Gasbag John Travolta to confront and shatter suppression at HowdyCon:

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Battlefield Earth: Shelly Battles Terl!

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Alien Spaceship Crashes in Hollywood!

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Dangerous.ALien

“He just won’t stop talking!” exclaimed Ken Delusion, CO OSA INT Space Alien Incarceration Unit. “This alien blathers on and on and on all day and night and incessantly demands expensive scotch!”

“We’re readying an Ideal Spaceship to send him back to the Mars implant station where he came from before he drinks the Church broke!”