“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”
“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.
“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”
“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”
And now as we prepare to turn another page on eternity, let us look back on what we in the Church of Scientology did in 2016.
We almost finished the fundraise on the SFV Ideal Org:
We purged dirty cop Lee Whatshisname from all Scientology websites:
Thanks to the Golden Era SFX Department, none of the molded body parts or engineered hair appliances on John Travolta fell off or broke:
— TO BE READ ALOUD TO THE ILLEGALLY ASSEMBLED HOWDYCON CRIMINAL ASSEMBLY BY THE DESIGNATED SP IN CHARGE—
Acting in his capacity as Imperial Galactic Interstellar Emperor, RTC Chief Inquisitor, and Space Warlord, Mr. David Miscavige today pronounced HowdyCon an illegal criminal assembly.
Actual investigation has determined HowdyCon to be awash in criminals, Suppressive Persons, bitter defrocked apostates, jokers and degraders, agents of Big Pharma, Marcabs, Helotrobes, Venutian freight locomotive operators, squirrels, communists, troublemakers, freethinkers, Trotskyite wreckers, diversionaries, saboteurs, and shadowy agents from the nebulous fringes of the internet.
Imperial Galactic Interstellar Emperor Miscavige has dispatched Bloviating Orbital Gasbag John Travolta to confront and shatter suppression at HowdyCon:
We in the Church of Scientology highly recommend OT Billy Eichner’s “Escape From Scientology” video. Billy is hereby awarded his Bridge to Total Freedom at 50% off list price. Billy Eichner is also awarded a Medal of Valor just like the one Tom Cruise was awarded by our glorious and infallible leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.
Turn up the speakers and enjoy these videos!
Pogo (Nick Bertke) is a music producer and remix artist who has created a dynamite remix featuring televangelist Robert Tilton.
We in the Church of Scientology are so excited by what Pogo has done for Bob Tilton that we want to commission him to do IAS fundraisers. Imagine if IAS fundraisers were this exciting. We truly hope Pogo uses his talents to do a remix on Church of Scientology leader David Miscavige 😉
We also love what Pogo has done with Pulp Fiction, the movie in which Scientology OT John Travolta contributed to planetary clearing by playing a heroin addict and hitman.