Tag Archives: John Travolta

Harvey Weinstein Turns to the Scientology Celebrity Centre for Help


“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”

“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.

“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”

“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”

Looking Back: Scientology 2016

And now as we prepare to turn another page on eternity, let us look back on what we in the Church of Scientology did in 2016.

We almost finished the fundraise on the SFV Ideal Org:

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Thanks to COB, we opened Scientology Media Productions. The hundreds of thousands of Scientologists in good standing in Southern California attended. And, we in RTC are pleased to report that SMP almost made a film:

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We purged dirty cop Lee Whatshisname from all Scientology websites:

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Thanks to the Golden Era SFX Department, none of the molded body parts or engineered hair appliances on John Travolta fell off or broke:

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And now we arrive at Scientology’s greatest 2016 accomplishment: There were no major escapes or blows. Thanks to COB’s patented blow drills, Tom Cruise’s attempted escape from Trementina Base was derailed. Likewise, Shelly was unable to escape from Twin Peaks.

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HowdyCon Pronounced an Illegal Criminal Assembly

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— TO BE READ ALOUD TO THE ILLEGALLY ASSEMBLED HOWDYCON CRIMINAL ASSEMBLY BY THE DESIGNATED SP IN CHARGE—

Acting in his capacity as Imperial Galactic Interstellar Emperor, RTC Chief Inquisitor, and Space Warlord, Mr. David Miscavige today pronounced HowdyCon an illegal criminal assembly.

Actual investigation has determined HowdyCon to be awash in criminals, Suppressive Persons, bitter defrocked apostates, jokers and degraders, agents of Big Pharma, Marcabs, Helotrobes, Venutian freight locomotive operators, squirrels, communists, troublemakers, freethinkers, Trotskyite wreckers, diversionaries, saboteurs, and shadowy agents from the nebulous fringes of the internet.

Imperial Galactic Interstellar Emperor Miscavige has dispatched Bloviating Orbital Gasbag John Travolta to confront and shatter suppression at HowdyCon:

Give Billy Eichner All the Emmys for This “Escape from Scientology” Obstacle Course

We in the Church of Scientology highly recommend OT Billy Eichner’s “Escape From Scientology” video. Billy is hereby awarded his Bridge to Total Freedom at 50% off list price. Billy Eichner is also awarded a Medal of Valor just like the one Tom Cruise was awarded by our glorious and infallible leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Hoo Ba Ba Kanda | Pogo

Turn up the speakers and enjoy these videos!

Pogo (Nick Bertke) is a music producer and remix artist who has created a dynamite remix featuring televangelist Robert Tilton.

We in the Church of Scientology are so excited by what Pogo has done for Bob Tilton that we want to commission him to do IAS fundraisers. Imagine if IAS fundraisers were this exciting. We truly hope Pogo uses his talents to do a remix on Church of Scientology leader David Miscavige 😉

We also love what Pogo has done with Pulp Fiction, the movie in which Scientology OT John Travolta contributed to planetary clearing by playing a heroin addict and hitman.


The Church of Scientology and Computer Hacking: The Facts

Dr. Frank Wonderman, OSA Director of Computer Hacking Operations

Dr. Frank Wonderman, OSA Director of Computer Hacking Operations

“What are the real facts about the Church of Scientology and computer hacking?” asked Dr. Frank Wonderman today during a special meeting to address recent scandalous allegations.

“The facts are these: When needed, the Church of Scientology reserves the right to hack into any computer when it is for the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

“We in Scientology realize that wogs may not understand the principle of ‘the greatest good’ but then again, wogs are stupid, drug-using, implant-ridden homo saps.”

“What do wogs know?”

“When the Church of Scientology hacks computers, and it does frequently, it is done under the authority of an ecclesiastical search warrant issued by we in the Office of Special Affairs and signed off on by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.”

“Please be assured that if we hack your computer it is  because you are a danger to yourself and the world. We are only trying to stop your suppressive rampage and wholetrack reign of terror before it engulfs the world in an Armageddon of unimagined horror — and here we are thinking of something far more hideous than even Battlefield Earth!”

The Scientology E-Metermobile Is Coming to Your City!

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“The Church of Scientology E-Metermobile is coming to your city soon!” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Captain Miscavige and OT Tom Cruise will kickoff the 200 city E-Metermobile Scientology Goodwill Ambassador tour in Clearwater, Florida this weekend!  The two most dedicated Scientologists on the planet will be visiting county fairs, malls, parks, and other venues as Scientology Goodwill Ambassadors!”

“Our newest OTVIII Kirstie Alley, who just returned from the ship, is kicking off the action in Los Angeles at PAC Base! Be there to hear about Kirstie’s wins on OTVIII and help yourself to the free pizza, music, and even a 1960’s-style Watusi dance contest!”

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“OT John Travolta and his lovely 2D OT Kelly Preston will launch the E-Metermobile tour from the Ideal Org in New York City. Be sure to be there for the free pizza and the Jive Aces concert!”

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“The message these Scientology Goodwill Ambassadors are spreading is simple: ‘Don’t believe the lies! Don’t watch the HBO hate show on Scientology! Come into an Org, sign a few simple contracts, pay us $360,000, and find about Scientology for yourself!”