Church of Scientology Now Selling Money Saving SP Declares!

Helios  Vol. 11  No. 110  October, 1962  25Secret RTC studies have shown that 93% of Scientologists who reach OT VII are declared SP’s within three years of reaching this exalted state.

This is a shocking datum!

When surveyed, fully 86% of declared SP OT’s (SPOT’s) disingenuously claimed the cost of Flag’s six month sec checks refreshers were too expensive.

This is impossible for we in RTC to accept as a real objection;    $50,000 per year is a very small cost to pay for OT refreshment.

Moreover, these SPOT’s further nattered and complained that the  ever-increasing costs of IAS Patron statuses added up to more than $1,000,000 over ten years.

Grade.Chart.OldOne thing these SPOT’s consistently noted was the fact that they were very happy with their Church of Scientology experience up to the level of Clear.

Thinking with the correct data and at the correct orders of magnitude, we in RTC have decided to offer Clear completions the option to purchase their statistically inevitable SP Declare for $250,000, this to save them the higher costs, time, and aggravation of being declared SP’s three years after reaching OT VII.

By purchasing an SP Declare for $250,000 immediately after attesting Clear, future cost savings of at least $1,500,000 can be realized.

Anyone without a Reactive Mind can see what an incredible bargain this is!

If you are a Clear, the odds are against you — and indeed you are at risk as you have been warned. Therefore, you should immediately act upon this money-saving opportunity and donate $250,000 to the IAS to get the new money-saving IAS SP Declare Patron Status.

Your IAS SP Declare Patron Status will free you to read your precious Scientology-hating websites and go into mutual out ruds with whomever you please. You’re a declared SP and so we in RTC no longer care what you do!

24 responses to “Church of Scientology Now Selling Money Saving SP Declares!

  1. Once again RTC has outdone itself with pure brilliance, nearly outshining COB Himself. My hat is off to you all sirs!

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  2. Timothy Hallinan

    Okay, that settles it. You are currently the funniest blogger on the Internet. I thought I had the award with me, but I seem to — hold on, no, that’s not it, that’s lunch. Well, you don’t need no stinking award. You’re brilliant.

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  3. OT – Let me know if I’m over-thinking this, but if we’re going to offer the money saving benefit of an “SP Declare Patron Status”, shouldn’t we also try to catch the other side of it too?

    Why couldn’t we offer an insurance policy to protect one’s OT status against any eventuality?

    It wouldn’t be cheap…and we’d need a promo…

    You’ve done it. You’ve climbed the bridge. Now is the time to protect your bridge and all it’s taken to get there. Bridges require maintenance. Protect your climb with IAS Bridge Insurance. The IAS is proud to announce “Bridge Insurance”. It will protect you from any unanticipated cause over effect. Avoid the dreaded “Ten year SP Declare” by protecting your Bridge to Total Freedom. Do it today. Combined with between lives coverage, your bridge GUARANTEES your OT capabilities can’t be taken away from you in this or ANY lifetime.

    Like I said, just a thought….but I bet John P recognizes the benefit of playing both sides.

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  4. Actually, LRH was a suppressive person.

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  5. Captain, while your IAS Bridge Insurance proposal looks good on paper, what happens if an insured OT goes Type III and publicly criticizes COB RTC David Miscavige? We need to have exclusions in this sort of proposed coverage.

    And we certainly need to exclude any preexisting conditions such as hidden wholetrack evil purposes, hidden standards, or suppressive tendencies. Example: What happens if a sixteen trillion year old Psych with evil purposes to destroy Scientology reincarnates, infiltrates the Church, becomes an OT VIII or a member of RTC, or both, and then begins to destroy the Church from within?

    There has to be extensive and expensive sec checking before such a policy could be offered. And even then we have had high ranking people like Marty, Mike, John, Amy, Matt, Karen, Steve, Hadyn, Lucy, Marc, Claire, Jefferson, Luis, Rocio, Karen — and the list goes on and on, turn against COB.

    How can we make money while at the same time legally word such coverage so that it is actually useless? In other words, it has to be a product that promises incredible benefits while at the same time being
    essentially immune from lawsuits arising from specific nonperformance — this like all other products we sell in the Church of Scientology.

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    • Taking your hypothesis up another notch…what are the chances of a hidden whole track Psych not only infiltrating the Church, but actually taking it over? The destruction such an infiltrator could wreak would be an unmitigated disaster. The whole house of cards could come crumbling down.

      So given a huge lemon, we make lemonade….we offer unmitigated disaster insurance.

      The odds of something like an unscrupulous insane Type III ever infiltrating high enough into an organization known for the sanity of its members are all but impossible. Reed Slatkin is back on the street, I mean available isn’t he? Don’t see why he wouldn’t help us tailor a package to your specs and then devise a plan to market it. Easy money, right?

      No time to waste….we’d need to have it ready for next weekend.

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  6. Great OTVIII – Why wasn’t I offered the deal years ago. I could of saved so much money and introversion.

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    • When the economy was good, COB had no reason to offer this sort of program. Now that Scientology parishioners are broke are leaving the Church in droves, we in RTC decided to offer them a clear cut exit strategy that allows them to keep their exchange in with the Church on their way out. After all, we are saving them so much money by declaring them early that we figure they owe us a percentage of the money that would otherwise be ours if they stayed on through OT VII.

      As for your introversion: We in RTC could care less. You left the Church and are no longer our problem. Why don’t you go try some offbeat practice?

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  7. Hey. I wonder if this is a covered expense under Obamacare.

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    • Let’s face it–there are only 2 big beings on the planet (DM and TC). Drop everyone else.

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    • It is true that only Mr. Miscavige and Mr. Cruise are the only big beings on this planet.

      And when Mr. Miscavige and Mr. Cruise drop their bodies and head off to Target Two to help the Founder, who then will be left?

      There will be no more big beings left here on Target One!

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    • Mr. Scarff, this program is not covered under Obamacare but it should be. If our RTC lobbyists in Washington DC get their way, the entire Bridge will be covered under Obamacare provisions for mental health!

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  8. I am cancelling this insurance policy and signing up for yours.

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/media/embed/81303587

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    • That’s a smart move on your part because the odds of one being declared a Suppressive Person are 9,412% higher than the odds of being attacked by a robot or by robots.

      This is just a fact of life.

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  9. OMG, this cracks me up!!! Very chilling how true it is! I really love the humor.

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  10. Does the RTC offer insurance against a mis-declare? For example, if I were to up my status a multi-million-fold and prove I was on board with CI by fully debriefing, giving names, addresses, next of kin, bank details of other, known declaredees, after being declared myself by your good self, David, your honour, sir, CoB, Pope of Mecca, Biggest of the Beings, your Lordship With Whom I Shall Never Make Eye-Contact, please forgive my impertinence, and may I go to the RPF now, please?

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    • Poet13c, by purchasing an SP Declare, you yourself become Cause over your own SP Declare. Therefore, there can never be a mis-declare as you causitively choose when to be declared.

      By purchasing an SP Declare, there is no more guesswork, no more laying awake at night worrying if jack-booted OSA thugs will show up and pound on the door to declare you an SP.

      The $250,000 gives you the power of your own choice back. We in RTC thus empower you as a thetan by allowing you to donate $250,000 so that we declare you.

      By donating $250,000 you become cause over RTC.

      We call that having true power and self-determinism!

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  11. I think COB is trying to rip me off. I have been calculating the probabilities and this has some definite potential; however, for me personally there is a 62.346% chance that I will be declared after OT V. Thus, paying $250,000 would not provide me an adequate Return on Investment. To mitigate this risk I must insist on paying a much lower price for my SP declare. A sum of $75,000 is much more appropriate.

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    • Upon further reconsideration, we in RTC counteroffer at $125,000 USD. Offer good until Thursday @ 2:00 PM.

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      • Sorry…with the $75K I had I probably could have put another $50K together to make that go right, but since the offer was originally rejected I’ve already donated all of that to the David Miscavige Legal Defense Fund. I’m turning my phone off now and checking into an unnamed roadside motel the rest of the week for a much needed vacation from, ah…….my in laws.

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  12. This is a monumentally Scientological offer and understandably timely! But, I’m thinking if I was a newbie Clear with $250,000.00, I’d take my money and run with my finger in the air. ::wishing I had:: 😜

    Like

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