Tag Archives: SP Declare

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:



The New Internet Only Freedom for Clears Rundown!


Lisa Marie Presley Disrepects Fleet Admiral David Miscavige!


Tony Ortega reported that ex-Scientologist Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis Presley and former wife of late pop legend Michael Jackson, has been plotting to covertly undermine the leadership of the Church of Scientology…


Lisa Marie refuses to obey Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s authoritay!

We in RTC can confirm that Lisa Marie Presley has been plotting with others to covertly undermine the leadership, stature, and greatness of Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, the Lord High Protector of Teegeeack.

For her crimes,  Lisa Marie has been declared a Suppressive Person. Her only terminal is the IJC. It is hoped that Lisa Marie will come to her
senses, recant, and do Steps A-E rather. As it stands now, Lisa Marie has thrown away her eternity, her eligibility for OT IX and OT X, and has forfeited all certs and IAS statuses. The enormity of losing one’s IAS status cannot be understated.

“As a result of increased suppression, a shocking, unprecedented, and highest-ever 47x wave of SP Declares is coming,” warned Mr. Ken Delusion, CO OSA Purges Bureaux. “Fleet Admiral Miscavige and Vice Admiral Tom Cruise will very soon be declaring 2.5% of the Church’s 1,200,000,000 members in a housecleaning of epic proportions the likes of which has not been seen since the Missionholder Massacre of 1982 by the Int Finance Police under the heroic leadership of Mr. Miscavige.”

“The Fleet Admiral has kept the door open just a crack. Scientologists who are in on the plot to undermine Fleet Admiral Miscavige have 72 hours to turn themselves in to OSA 2, confess their crimes, and give OSA 2 a full write up and debrief on their fellow plotters. To reiterate, the enormity of losing one’s exalted IAS status cannot be understated.”


Illustration: Jack Chick


Introduction to the Scientology Knowledge Report


Introduction to the Scientology Knowledge Report
Issued by Captain Holotta Delusion, Inspector General Ethics,
Religious Technology Center

The Knowledge Report (KR) is designed to protect you and other Scientologists from receiving any unwanted and enturbulative communications containing entheta, natter, provable bullshit, Black PR, or that forward an enemy line. As a thetan, you have a right to communicate and to not communicate. Thus, the KR is simply a lesser form of an SP Declare. The KR is an early warning system of “Out Ethics” behavior and disaffection that could, if left unchecked, lead to your expulsion from Scientology and the utterly ruinous loss of your eternity — a fate so awful that even a Big Being like Tom Cruise cannot confront it. This is why Tom Cruise wrote all of those KR’s on his ex-wives Mimi, Kate, and that really tall suppressive blonde from Australia whose name escapes us at the moment. Tom also wrote KR’s on Suri when she criminally originated that COB was “Mr. Poopy Head”

Of course, the right thing to do is to never communicate any entheta, natter, provable bullshit, Black PR, or to forward an enemy line in the first place.  In other words, only speak good and happy things that are easy for other Scientologists to hear. If you have a problem then get it handled in session or with the chaplain. These terminals are here to help. If another Scientologist attempts to 3P another Scientologist, the Church, Church leaders, or otherwise engages in entheta, natter, provable bullshit, Black PR, or forwards an enemy line, why then you must immediately write a KR so that we in RTC can handle this person and restore them to an ethical state and condition or expel them from Scientology and have OSA destroy them utterly.

Scientologists who traffic in entheta, natter, provable bullshit, Black PR, or the forwarding of enemy lines are Sickos. Your duty is to turn in all Sickos to we in RTC.

No You May Not Have a Copy of Your SP Declare

1506501_10152456701933332_1506564895_nWe in RTC are often badgered by bitter defrocked apostates for actual paper copies of their goldenrod declares.

This will never happen so don’t even ask.

We in RTC know the cunning of newly-declared SP’s.

We know that SP’s will run to the internet and post their SP declares for the entire world to see.

This is totally Out PR.X

An SP Declare is a private matter between the Church and a former parishioner. Frankly, an SP Declare is a “Badge of Shame” and yet SP’s treat it as if it were some sort of war trophy to wave around on the internet and whoop it up like it getting declared was a big joke.

An SP Declare is meant to be a dark, black, end-of-the-world curse. It is not treated as such by modern SP’s. This is a problem and so we quit handing out SP Declares. We keep SP Declares in HCO’s in locked cabinets, We only remove them to secretly to Scientologists in good standing. Moreover, SP’s Declares are shown only upon demand – and then only specific declares are shown on demand. No one gets to know everyone who has been declared. That is too much data.

techWe in RTC also do not want the public to know how many people have been declared SP’s. But we can tell you this: The Church has 12,000,000 members and 2.5% are SP’s, thus there are at least 300,000 SP’s running loose and enturbulating us on the internet.

Then again, every SP alleges that his or her SP Declare contains false data. This is untrue because, by it’s very nature, an SP Declare can only be true as it contains only facts.

Moreover, we in RTC realize that any “acceptable truth” we place on an SP Declare could be grounds for a lawsuit against Mr. Miscavige. Given the stable datum of “Don’t get COB named in a lawsuit” we refuse to hand out SP’s Declares as a way to avoid lawsuits.

We in RTC don’t want toxic SP’s to get anywhere near COB, particularly these days when GAT II has boomed the Church to highest-ever-highest-evers and COB is opening fifteen new Ideal Orgs each week.

So no, you may not have a copy of your SP Declare.


Church of Scientology Facing Critical Situations in South Africa

The Church of Scientology faces critical situations in South Africa,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion announced today at a news conference.

“As a result of these these very critical situations,” Delusion commented, “”COB RTC David Miscavige had to fire off a Sea Org mission to South Africa to explain why HE found it necessary to declare 18 OT’s, all long duration members of the Church. COB wants people secretly briefed on the facts!”


A microcosm of the Church of Scientology, the Dianetics & Scientology Life Improvement Center in Braamfontein is a grim and joyless undertaking. And yet this grim joylessness is precisely what it takes to Clear a Planet. Sign the billion year contract now!

“And while COB is not using the word ‘mutiny‘ it should be pointed out that he  is quiet ready to quell any uprisings in the Church by the full application of Church of Scientology justice up to and including the sixteen things COB likes to do to SP’s:

  1. Declaring people SP’s and then withholding from them their SP Declares
  2. Cancelling all of your awards and certificates while he screams at his staff about he has to do everything himself
  3. Ordering OSA to make dire threats to that you will die alone and in the dark and in pain if you dare to leave the Church
  4. Fair Game — but what else did you expect from the Church?
  5. Disconnection — we publicly deny it but it is COB’s favorite thing!
  6. Spying on you — yes, it’s OSA in your rearview mirror
  7. Having OSA volunteers scream at declared SP’s on public streets
  8. Creating Hate websites on SP’s
  9. Sending PI’s to your home to dig through your trash
  10. Deploying teams of Squirrel Busters to harass you
  11. Culling your pc folders for dirt on you to use in smear campaigns
  12. Scathing denunciations made about you in the media by Church PR  Karin Pouw
  13. Hate stories about Bitter Defrocked Apostates published by Freedom Magazine
  14. Downvoting on hater blogs such as Tony Ortega’s Underground Bunker
  15. Refusing to give refunds of monies on account to SP’s. And why should we? We don’t even give refunds to Scientologists in good standing!
  16. Allow certain weak-minded SP’s the chance to do A-E if they recant, confess everything to OSA, strike an effective blow against the enemy, and donate gigantic sums of money to the IAS.

“And these are just some of the measures COB RTC David Miscavige and his merciless robots in OSA will use to handle ‘Critical Situations’ that get out of hand!” Delusion warned Church parishioners.

“COB’s recent wave of SP declares is an emphatic warning to those Scientology parishioners who might secretly have evil thoughts about COB or are otherwise harboring blow thoughts.”

“To end on happier and more upbeat news,” Delusion concluded, “The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce that it has just opened its first Ideal Dirt Parking Lot in Durban.”

“COB plans on opening dozens of new Ideal Dirt Parking Lots in the next few years.  Look for one coming to your Org very soon!”

The Church of Scientology’s newest Ideal Dirt Parking Lot!

John P. Capitalist and His Blog Declared a Suppressive Group!


15 November 2013


avatar92John P. Capitalist and his criminally suppressive blog are hereby declared a Suppressive Group for their many HIGH CRIMES:

1. Attempting to apply analysis — what we call “think think figure figure” — to the Church of Scientology. The fact is that Church is so far beyond Homo Sap analysis that it boggles the mind.  We don’t care to be analyzed nor do we care to have our memory refreshed.

2. Summarizing the contents of other Church of Scientology-hating websites in one convenient location, thus making access to the “best” hateful comments of the day easier to find and read, thus putting in peril Scientology parishioners who are “on the fence.” This summary is very enturbulating and is a matter of concern to we in RTC. Example of Summary.

3. Attempting to compile actual statistics on the Church of Scientology, it’s finances, and it’s cash burn rate. This could lead somewhere that we do not like, want, or need.

4. Plotting the downfall of COB RTC David Miscavige while falsely calling it analysis.

5. Criminal Joking & Degrading.

6. Seeking correct data about the Church of Scientology. This is the HIGHEST CRIME there is. One may only have the data about the Church which we RTC choose to give. Here is your only terminal in the entire universe for correct data about the Church: Scientology.org. Splurge on it.

7. Seeking a correct datum. There only one correct datum. We have it and only make it available to the called and chosen of the MV Freewinds.

Per scripture, any person found to be connected to a Suppressive Group may not thereafter be enrolled in the Saint Hill Solo Audit Course or the Clearing Course.

In accordance with this same policy, no member of a Suppressive Group may ever be employed by any Church of Scientology mission without special clearance.

The Church of Scientology is currently engaged in our most rapid period of expansion in history. All Scientologists are warned to not let John P. Capitalist or his blog distract us from keeping up with the increasing demand for Standard Scientology.

Ecclesiastical Sentencing: We in RTC hereby sentence John P.  Capitalist to the Pain Station!  The pain of the spikes repeatedly applied to his writing hand will teach him the serious errors of his ways!