Tag Archives: Clear

David Miscavige: Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and Needs More Money Now!

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“Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and needs more money now!” brayed COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige at the Maiden Beating Event.

“Never in the entire agonized history of this planet has Scientology ever been in a more SERIOUS CRISIS. Never has Scientology ever needed money like it needs now!”

When asked what the SERIOUS CRISIS was, Mr. Miscavige would only say that it was an unspecified serious crisis that could, if given sufficient money, be resolved by next Thursday at 2:00PM.

After COB’s announcement of the dire and unspecified crisis, Scientology OT’s retired to the ballroom and gorged themselves on lobster, steak, shrimp, baked goods, pies, cakes, champagnes, cognacs, fine wines, rich chocolate deserts, and creamy white cake with buttercream frosting. Newly-minted Clear Stacy Francis regaled the crowd with her musical stylings some have compared to Yoko Ono.

Kim Jong-un Attains State of Clear in Scientology!

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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has just reached the State of Clear at Scientology’s Pyongyang Ideal Org.

“I’m so happy to have finally reached the State Clear! I’ve eradicated my reactive mind forever!” enthused Kim Jong-un. “No more engrams, irrational computations, or sicknesses! I now have a perfect memory, a 190 IQ, and can read a 1,000 page book in ten minutes with full comprehension.”

“As the world’s first Cleared Communist, I can now rationally and sanely realize my goal of destroying America and all of the other running dog Imperialists in the West! Thank you COB RTC David Miscavige! You are a superman just like me!”

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The New Internet Only Freedom for Clears Rundown!

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Scientologist Zeke Manson Goes Clear

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Talk about speed up the Bridge! Right on the heels of becoming Super Power Completion #3000, Scientologist Zeke Manson attested to the State of Clear today at Flag.

Sez Zeke, “I no have my reactive mind! Did you hear that? Ack me goddammit! I have #NO BANK @Flag and am #NO LONGER MOCKING UP MY REACTIVE MIND!

“I am a #KEYED OUT CLEAR and ready to do #OT PREPS.

The only thing is this: the #SUPER CREEPY STATUES IN THE FLAG BLDG are freaky and look like #KILLER FUCKIN’ MARCABS!

#THANK YOU COB RTC DAVID MISCAVIGE!!!!!!!!

Church of Scientology Now Selling Money Saving SP Declares!

Helios  Vol. 11  No. 110  October, 1962  25Secret RTC studies have shown that 93% of Scientologists who reach OT VII are declared SP’s within three years of reaching this exalted state.

This is a shocking datum!

When surveyed, fully 86% of declared SP OT’s (SPOT’s) disingenuously claimed the cost of Flag’s six month sec checks refreshers were too expensive.

This is impossible for we in RTC to accept as a real objection;    $50,000 per year is a very small cost to pay for OT refreshment.

Moreover, these SPOT’s further nattered and complained that the  ever-increasing costs of IAS Patron statuses added up to more than $1,000,000 over ten years.

Grade.Chart.OldOne thing these SPOT’s consistently noted was the fact that they were very happy with their Church of Scientology experience up to the level of Clear.

Thinking with the correct data and at the correct orders of magnitude, we in RTC have decided to offer Clear completions the option to purchase their statistically inevitable SP Declare for $250,000, this to save them the higher costs, time, and aggravation of being declared SP’s three years after reaching OT VII.

By purchasing an SP Declare for $250,000 immediately after attesting Clear, future cost savings of at least $1,500,000 can be realized.

Anyone without a Reactive Mind can see what an incredible bargain this is!

If you are a Clear, the odds are against you — and indeed you are at risk as you have been warned. Therefore, you should immediately act upon this money-saving opportunity and donate $250,000 to the IAS to get the new money-saving IAS SP Declare Patron Status.

Your IAS SP Declare Patron Status will free you to read your precious Scientology-hating websites and go into mutual out ruds with whomever you please. You’re a declared SP and so we in RTC no longer care what you do!