In a new ecclesiastical ruling handed down today from the Church of Scientology’s spiritual headquarters in Hemet, His Holiness Pope Miscavige, the leader of the Scientology religion, decreed that a Scientologist’s IAS Patron Status and Bridge progress becomes invalid when one drops the body.
“When the thetan drops his or her body,” Pope Miscavige explained, “that ends cycle on the game the thetan was playing. The thetan is no longer the body or the identity they were mocking up.”
“It therefore follows from ecclesiastical logic,” his Holiness stated, “that the IAS statues and Bridge progress that belonged to a mocked up identity and body become invalid at death.”
“Whereupon, this situation leaves the thetan vulnerable to implanting in the extremely dangerous between lives area, a diabolical sector wherein Psychs and other malign entities have free reign to zap, blast, freeze, implant, imprison, hit, kick, choke, and punch thetans.”
“Then again,” Pope Miscavige explained, “there is an action the thetan can take right now to bypass the terrifying and very real dangers of the between lives area. That action is to donate for one of the many powerful new statuses offered by the IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency.”
“These statuses,” Pope Miscavige assures Scientology parishioners, “are underwritten by we in RTC and are designed to gradiently protect the thetan against all real and imagined dangers in the perilous between lives area where Psychs and other malign entities dwell.”
IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency Price List:
* Freedom from ghosts: $250,000
* Freedom from ghosts + the deadly Helatrobus Implant: $750,000
* Freedom from all of the above + freedom from Implanting Stations: $1,000,000
* Freedom from all of the above + freedom from the Tractor Beams: $1,750,000
* Freedom from all of the above + Psych Implants: $2,500,000
* Freedom from all of the above + guaranteed rebirth in a Scientology family: $5,000,000
Note: Rebirth into a Scientology family does not guarantee that one will get their Bridge in the next lifetime, this because Scientology couples are encouraged to donate their babies so the Church can sell them at our Ideal Org Baby Farms.
Therefore, to guarantee rebirth into a Scientology family and one’s Bridge next lifetime, one needs to donate for the deluxe Platinum Rebirth Status. The price is $10,000,ooo.
“Please contact your local IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency representative to sign up today,” Ken Delusion advised Scientologists, “You don’t want to drop the body without having this very important spiritual protection!”