OTVIIIisGrrr8!

New RTC Ecclesiastical Ruling: IAS Patron Status and Bridge Progress Invalid at Death

In a new ecclesiastical ruling handed down today from the Church of Scientology’s spiritual headquarters in Hemet, His Holiness Pope Miscavige, the leader of the Scientology religion, decreed that a Scientologist’s IAS Patron Status and Bridge progress becomes invalid when one drops the body.

“When the thetan drops his or her body,” Pope Miscavige explained, “that ends cycle on the game the thetan was playing. The thetan is no longer the body or the identity they were mocking up.”

“It therefore follows from ecclesiastical logic,” his Holiness stated, “that the IAS statues  and Bridge progress that belonged to a mocked up identity and body become invalid at death.”

“Whereupon, this situation leaves the thetan vulnerable to implanting in the extremely dangerous between lives area, a diabolical sector wherein Psychs and other malign entities have free reign to zap, blast, freeze, implant, imprison, hit, kick, choke, and punch thetans.”

“Then again,” Pope Miscavige explained, “there is an action the thetan can take right now to bypass the terrifying and very real dangers of the between lives area. That action is to donate for one of the many powerful new statuses offered by the IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency.”

“These statuses,” Pope Miscavige assures Scientology parishioners, “are underwritten by we in RTC and are designed to gradiently protect the thetan against all real and imagined dangers in the perilous between lives area where Psychs and other malign entities dwell.”

IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency Price List:

* Freedom from ghosts: $250,000

* Freedom from ghosts + the deadly Helatrobus Implant: $750,000

* Freedom from all of the above + freedom from Implanting Stations: $1,000,000

* Freedom from all of the above + freedom from the Tractor Beams: $1,750,000

* Freedom from all of the above + Psych Implants: $2,500,000

* Freedom from all of the above + guaranteed rebirth in a Scientology family: $5,000,000

Note: Rebirth into a Scientology family does not guarantee that one will get their Bridge in the next lifetime, this because Scientology couples are encouraged to donate their babies so the Church can sell them at our Ideal Org Baby Farms.

Therefore, to guarantee rebirth into a Scientology family and one’s Bridge next lifetime, one needs to donate for the deluxe Platinum Rebirth Status. The price is $10,000,ooo.

“Please contact your local IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency representative to sign up today,” Ken Delusion advised Scientologists, “You don’t want to drop the body without having this very important spiritual protection!”

28 replies »

  1. What an intriguing coincidence… Today, October 31, is the anniversary of the day when Martin Luther nailed the 95 Theses to the door of the church in Wittenberg, Germany. His major beef was the selling of indulgences, ways to cut down your time in Purgatory before you have a shot at Heaven.

    And today, October 31 is the day that Scientology starts selling between-life insurance to make sure one gets to Scientology Heaven in the next cycle.

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  2. Brilliant, brilliant, maybe the funniest piece yet. How much for all the above plus total and perpetual invisibility to any reg who’s looking for money?

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  3. This may be one of your most brilliant ideas yet OTVIIIisGrrr8! One question, will “IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance” be covered under Obamacare? I would hope that being declared SP would not bar you from enrollment as a preexisting condition.

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  4. Perfect transgression… er, progression. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Heir Pope of all Earth Religions to have his flying monkeys start calling on this right away.

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    • By the way, isn’t the internest MEST? In other words, all the videos, hate sites and testimonials are really fictitious? Davey never really punched anyone or fair gamed anyone, nor did he ever criticize psychs.

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  5. I’ve been waiting for Scientology to offer this service for years. Fear of that in-between lives area has haunted me ever since I heard my Catholic father talk about Puragtory! COB Fleet Admiral Sir David Miscavige is really on to an exciting new Ecclesiastical Product! Now, finally, a reason to walk into an Org and take my first Comm course!
    Love you, OTVIII!

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  6. What I fear the most, when ending cycle with my current mocked-up identity, is to have a second run through the Obscene Dog Incident.
    The first time through the incident was horrible. What’s the fee to avoid the Obscene Dog Incident ?

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  7. Shall I make the cheque out to cash or your personal account David?
    It’s a priviledge to be invited to pay for the Between Lives Insurance and at such a low cost too. You little darling, so considerate and you think of everything.
    Mmmwwwaaaahhhhhh.

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  8. I may be interested. How much to reincarnate as a red-headed endomorph, who can type 70 words a minute on an old-style typewriter by the age of five? Of course, I’d want to get this deal done soon, because there’s not going to be much left to take over otherwise!

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  9. I believe every Scientologist in good standing should postulate making deluxe Platinum Rebirth Status for 10,000,000$ a reality TODAY!!! When you really THINK about it you will KNOW. It is the only SANE thing to do!!!
    What is 10,000,000$ compared to YOUR FUTURE? THIS IS IT!!! GET ON BOARD 100%!!! Come see your IAS registrar to set up a meeting to learn about the peace of mind that comes with protecting YOUR STATUS with Between Lives Area Insurance from the IAS Between Lives Area Protective Services Insurance Agency.

    ML
    ARC-IASREG

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  10. you may have just saved DM’s ass, and given him the perfect solution for no Upper Bridge, and his circular bridge, and idle orgs not working out too well…

    Damn he’ll be able to launch this program and make a gazillion……

    I’ll take two freedom from psych implants, two anti reptilian transformer jedi suits, a Trobus implant package, agghh why not throw a week or three at RECALL too for me.. Put it all on my next lifetimes credit card will you, or better yet take it my next lifetime daddy’s BSO account.
    too easy,
    cheers

    Like

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