Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that the Church was selling newborn babies donated by its parishioners.
“It takes a great deal of wherewithal, or money, to go up Scientology’s Bridge to Total Freedom,” Delusion observed.
“It also takes exorbitant sums of money to raise a child these days, what with the expense of medical check ups, braces, college, and even the risks of having one’s talentless offspring star in a big budget film that flops and becomes one of the worst movies ever.”
“Therefore,” Delusion reasoned, “by donating their newborn children to the Church for us to sell, our parishioners free up all that cash for their Bridge. It is truly a win-win situation for the Church and its members!”
“At present the Church has over fifty babies for sale,” Delusion stated, “so if you are in the market for a healthy newborn, please drop by one of our Ideal Org Baby Farms today. With prices beginning at only $125,000, you are sure to find the exact infant you want to take home and raise as your own.”
“Unsold babies will be fed whole to the OSA witch Donatella Kevenaar, so please help prevent that fate by purchasing a baby today,” Delusion implored the public.