Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that the Church will create history when it becomes the first major religion to globally launch new religious technology via Skype.
“This will be a Scientology event unlike any other,” Delusion promised. “COB is very excited about this unprecedented gathering of all Scientology parishioners connected globally via Skype.”
“Flag has confirmations pouring in at a record rate from across the globe!”
“COB RTC David Miscavige decided to launch Super Power via Skype for two reasons, “Delusion explained. “First, there are simply not enough hotel rooms in the Tampa area to accommodate the hundreds of millions of Scientology religious pilgrims who were readying to flock to Clearwater. Second, and more importantly, COB wanted all Scientologists to have a front row seat for the event and that was just not possible given the monumental demand of parishioners to attend this event.”
“Of course, an elite and select group of 309 IAS Patron Super-Excalibur’s will be attending the launch event in COB’s giant circus tents in Clearwater.”
“These Scientologists have, by virtue of their monumental and heroic donations to the IAS, earned the right to a seat at the live event. Nevertheless, and more to the point, all other Scientologists will have ‘the best seats in the house’ in the comfort of their own homes as they attend via Skype!”
“This is a solution that will make everyone happy!” Delusion enthused.
“Mr. Miscavige has outsourced the launch of Super Power and GAT II to Nabha Media.”
“Based in Punjab, India, Nabha Media specializes in low cost, high impact ‘guerrilla media’ — and what could be more ‘guerrilla’ than launching Super Power and GAT II on Skype?”
“Scientologists in good standing will be given the dial in number on the day of the event by their local DSA personnel. The date of the event will be announced very very soon. Scientologists who have trouble getting onto the Skype call are advised to contact Nabha Media for assistance,” Delusion stated.
I have a bad suspicion. In order to collect money as usual I guess DM will order to every listener a special Super Power Event keyboard for (at least) only 799 USD. It comes with the following features:
* Applause button, volume and intensity continuously adjustable
* Electro shocker in case applause button is not pushed timely
* 12 built in attendence sensors (Will report automaticly to P/MAA any absence)
* Built in fee counter when calling to Nabha Media
* Special interface to bank account provides faster donations for event release items
* Auto Self destruct after the event. So everyone must buy a new one for next event.
Strubl, you must be a hacker because that is the exact plan. Except that the new GAT II keyboard will cost $3799 and have a digital e-meter circuit. Once a Scientologist logs in to the event, he or she will grab the cans that are plugged into the keyboard.
OSA will use a supercomputer to monitor all needle indications. Any rock slams or other BI’s will result in a sharp electrical shock sent from OSA. Any Scientologist receiving 50 or more electrical shocks during an event will be declared an SP.
And yes, there is an applause button and it better be the most used key on the GAT II keyboard.
Get out the defibrillator! Is this guy Delusion off his rocker or what? SKYPE IS WOG TECH!. OT’s can use their Secret Powers to read the mind of Field Marshall Miscavige. There is definitely no need for Skype.
Clear out a space under a desk in that double-wide — looks like Mr. Delusion will soon be in his new home.
Johnny L – I’ll grant you Ken Delusion is a tad touched, but we should keep in mind the contributions made by the entire family of Delusions since the founding of the Church. Where would Scientology be without the Delusions? IMHO, the day we start burying Delusions one by one in a “hole” is the first day of the beginning of the end.
Dave is a happy and content man, but for the few deranged apostates who choose to disconnect from the church. But he doesn’t let the bad news cloudy up his day. Oh no…why just yesterday afternoon…
Dave was sitting around the office making small talk with the staff when he remarked how we need to reach out to the millions of Scientologists around the world with jobs and families who are unable to get away for big events. Dave said, “These people have families and demands in their life outside of Scientology. We need to respect both their time and their financial resources. What do you say to stepping outside the box and reaching out to them through Skype? In so doing we create the BIGGEST virtual tent the world has ever seen! Families can sit down together and watch it on the flat screen.”
After a resounding Hip Hip Hooray (and since it was after Thursday deadline), Dave told everyone to take the rest of the afternoon off and enjoy a tremendous October day. Then he got up and headed back to his office whistling a happy tune.
Dave loves kids, happy families, and his wonderful new vitamins.
Captain Whostolemycog once again throws a 90 yard touchdown pass of affinity, reality, and communication.
COB has, as the Captain said, created the world’s largest virtual tent wherein hundreds of millions and billions of Scientologists can meet.
As for Johnny L.’s concerns: While Skype appears to be wog Tech, one must remember that as the Founder invented physics and mathematics in his past lives it therefore follows that any invention, device, software, etc, is a form of the Tech the Founder hath wrought as a prelude to Dianetics and Scientology. Therefore free yourself from any concerns knowing that all good things are the Tech. Even your toothbrush.
As for using Skype, COB had another reason. Based upon actual surveys, COB discovered that Scientology parishioners were paying wog airline companies lavish sums of money for transportation to Flag. This money is better donated to the IAS and not some wog airline that doesn’t even feed you anymore.
And for all of these reasons and more COB informs us that Skype and the GAT II keyboard are the answer.
Well ,well well, apparently OT VIII is not so “great” after all. You’ve definitely MEST up here – no pun intended. I mean, here you are, you have rocketed up the bridge to total freedom and you now prefer Skype — using a measly mouse click to converse with friends, just like some filthy downstat wog.
Use your god-like OT powers man! Sure, Mr. Hubbard invented the Internet and all the digital tech we now have, but I’m sure he would prefer you using your OT powers. Please reconsider OTVIIIisgreat. How many people on earth have superhuman powers like you? The minute we show all those wogs what Scientology can really do, all opposition will cease and everybody would flock to the churches, clamoring for Scientology services.
Whostolemycog, are you sure Dave is behind using Skype to reach millions of Scientologists who are unable to get away for big events. Really? Are you kidding? Skype is for wogs and PCs, not OTs. OTs have secret, god-like powers. OTs can read minds, they are at cause over physical matter, energy, space and time. OTs are able to operate free of the encumbrances of the material universe. They don’t need Skype. Skype is for wogs!
Johnny L – As you are well aware, there will definitely be a special OT briefing, but as you also know all OT briefings are classified TOP SECRET. We don’t discuss OT powers, super powers, or even Powers Boothe.
Imagine if the world was aware of the unleashed power of an OT. It would be Marvel’s X-Men brought to life. We would be seen as freaks of nature. We would be hunted down and locked up as a potential danger to society!!
Better to lay low and embrace the wog tech while recognizing not all Scientologists are that far along on their bridge. In fact with the promised release of Gat-II, Dave is hoping everyone will be able to start their bridge over as a PC. And won’t that be fun!!?? New untapped revenue streams are out their Johhny L…we just need to put on our waders and cast the nets.
Dave says our best days lie ahead Johnny L….our best days ahead lie.
I deliver all of my services over Skype and have been doing so for years.
There are other field auditors who have been doing the same.
We salute POB’s efforts to move into the 21st Century.
It will give some of the Indie groups something to shoot at since Hubbard didn’t use Skype, they feel that they can’t either.
We say, “Long Live POB and his Skype Super Powah Launch!”
May his launch succeed as well as the launch of Healthcare.gov
Healthcare.gov? Was Dave successful in getting auditing added as an allowable mental health/counseling benefit in ObamaCare?
Wow…just think of the number of folks who would sign up for auditing if Brent Obama’s health care plan allowed it.
Maybe this is the big surprise!??
Moreover, as for Johnny L.’s concerns:
Yes, the founder invented physics and mathematics in his past lives.
And yes, the Wog-world considers Skype to be Wog tech.
But they don’t take into consideration the marvolus results the Real Tech at Introductory Servcises at the bottom of The Bridge can and do affect.
Who are we to say that Skype wasn’t invented as a direct result of cognitions the inventors of Skype had – right after doing the OCA personality test in a Scientolgy testcenter ?
Hundreds of millions and billions of Wogs are doing OCA-personality tests each day.
So just do the math and figure out for yourself what wonders this service alone is creating.
And COB is behind all that.
Lars, the Founder warned us not to “show off” by knocking the hats off people’s heads at fifty feet. So yes, while we in RTC could make this a gigantic “Telekinetic Fantasia”, we have elected to not go “Out R” on those Scientologists still doing their Basics — and this is the majority.
Moreover, yes: Skype was invented after a monster blowout session at Flag.
Skype is simply the MEST analogue of “exterior with full perceptics.”
I’m not talking about showing off OTVIII. I’m talking about unleashing the power of a THETAN! The Church is being attacked from all sides, right? This is no time to be wimpy. Sure it’s okay to claim you have all kinds of miraculous powers but the wogs are starting to get suspicious and are looking for evidence. So now is the time to UNLEASH!
Here is an idea. Go to a shopping mall or restaurant, levitate, hover about a foot off the ground or so and then start circling the area. Sure there will be pandemonium at first, but once the wogs get used to it they will be like putty in your hand. Our R be damned! Sometimes ya just gotta use what you got to get what you want! Unleash!
Hello! My name is Jimmy (friends call me Rajnish).
I am your technical support for both Skype and the Superpowers Inc.
Let us know of your wants and needs.
Have a nice day and don’t forget to take your vitamins!