Church of Scientology Not In Big Trouble. Everything is Fine. Thank You for Asking.

DM.Flag 001Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion  today hotly denied, “the allegations that COB RTC David Miscavige is a ‘paranoid and deeply disturbed individual’ who is in deep legal trouble.”

“We in the PR Department of the Church of Scientology,” Delusion announced, “wish to assure the general public that Mr. Miscavige is not the madman the suppressive wog media makes him out to be.”

“The fact is that Mr. Miscavige is  doing a great job running the Church of Scientology,” Delusion proclaimed. “Moreover, Mr. Miscavige is solely responsible for our unprecedented and historic expansion, the statistics of which escape me at the moment.”

When asked by a wog reporter to clarify Mr. Miscavige’s role in managing the Church of Scientology on a daily basis, Delusion quickly replied by remarking, “No, COB does not manage the Church on a daily basis per se. His actual post is Chairman of the Board Religious Technology Center. This means that he acts only in his capacity to ensure the ecclesiastical purity of the materials of Dianetics and Scientology and the standard delivery of the Tech.”

semicolon-ax-copy“One example of what COB does on his post in RTC,” Delusion observed, “is to terminatedly handle bad semicolons. BOOM! Bad semicolons gone.”

“Mr. Miscavige’s prosaic duty of handling semicolons and new e-meters puts the lie to those ugly rumors that Mr. Miscavige is preoccupied with legal threats and running insane OSA Fair Game campaigns or terror against SP’s.”

“Those rumors are simply not true.”

“What is true,” Delusion concluded, “is the existence of a vast web of intrigue, a giant conspiracy, that is continuously attacking the Church of Scientology and Mr. Miscavige! It is these attacks to which our parishioners should pay heed. There is no need for any Scientology parishioner to ever read any of the Hypnotic Entheta online given these threats and the need for all Scientologists to immediately come up to present time and complete their Basics as a prerequisite to GAT II.”

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11 responses to “Church of Scientology Not In Big Trouble. Everything is Fine. Thank You for Asking.

  1. Mr. Delusion puts enturbulated minds at ease with his precise delivery of fact, as well as his ability to overcome the observations of others and replace their reality with his. Wog President Brent O’Bama has his own Ken Delusion, who goes by the name Jay Carney.

    Whether Delusion or Carney, the effective spokesperson establishes value through an ability to rearrange the observations of others and present them back in nicely gift wrapped package of altered perceptions and reality.

    Ken Delusion is a zen master of altered reality much like Neo in the Matrix.

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  2. Agqin, this is so perfect. Thanks,

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  3. Thanks. That is very reassuring. Sort of like LRH saying dianetics is “scientific fact.”

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  4. From a future speech by COB after being overwhelmed by suppressive semicolons:

    Inasmuch; and to the point; that we; are Earth;s only hope an;d here;to;fore never; before seen; this magical; tech; will trans;form; the popu;lation of this planet into; Scientologist;s with; fixed dedicated glare;s closed minds and open; wallets.

    Now; stand up; and bow; to Me; you cocks;;;ing swine!!!

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  5. What ? Dianetics is not scientific facts , are you insane? LRH was the saviour of the world and he will return.Dianetics has an app for it. So there.And don’t you forget it.

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  6. Scientology — taking the blue pill since 1950.

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  7. Hubbard is circling a distant star at the moment, he’s doing the OT running program, which is done as a pure soul, out in the vast reaches of space, by making big circles around a star.

    He’s pepping himself up, and doing some well deserved rehabilitation, for all his hard work during his lifetime as Scientology technology founder and author.

    No worries for earth and for earthlings, though, because Hubbard willed the vast bulk of his wealth, to the CST corporation, that is charged with etching all of Hubbard’s writings onto stainless steel plates, which are being stored in underground vaults in California and New Mexico, for thousands of years future storage, and digging up later, as necessary, should earth destroy itself.

    Some Sea Org members are charged with the future lifetime job of returning to earth, to dig up the stainless steel plates of Hubbard’s spiritual technology, and this “Arhives Project” as we call it, is carrying out Hubbard’s last wishes.

    So laugh all you want, but Ron’s making good on his plans to “smash his name” into the history books. His words will be on stainless steel plates, when all the rest of the worlds books and computers are decomposed dust!

    That’s where Scientologists’ donations ultimately go, into Hubbard’s stainless steel plates! Don’t anyone forget it!

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  8. kjp in portland

    Well looky here. I found OTVIII’s place! Awesome job!

    Like

  9. Pingback: xenu.net

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