Welcome to Scientology. We’ll begin by having you get rid of your suppressive family. BTW, you can’t watch ScientologyTheAftermath or we’ll declare you an SP!
“COB RTC has issued a global disconnection order for Tuesday August 15, 2017,” announced Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion. “All Scientologists globally are ordered to disconnect from WiFi, cable, satellite dishes and all types of antennae capable of receiving the television show Scientology and the Aftermath.
“Scientologists are further ordered to unplug and store all devices capable of receiving broadcast signal. This includes computers, cell phones, tablets, televisions, radios, and all electronic gizmos, doodads, gimcracks, gee gaws, thingamabobs, thingamajigs, whatchamacallits, gadgets, idiot boxes, or any other widgets or contraptions capable of conducting electrons and emitting sound or visio. This is a total ban on all electron-powered doohickeys. There is to be no cheating upon pain of death.”
“Any Scientologist caught watching Leah or even ‘sneaking a peek’ this coming Tuesday August 15th will be dealt with by use of ecclesiastical thumbscrews, the rack, and so forth and so on. As Marcellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction, COB says to all Scientologists, ‘I’m going to go medieval on your ass!’ This is your last and final warning to not watch Scientology and the Aftermath!” Delusion darkly intoned after which he pronounced dire Black Scientology voodoo curses upon the Psychs, the ASC, Henry Kissinger, and a long list of other SP’s who bedevil Scientology and all that is holy.
The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce its newest venture: Theta Movers. This full service moving company is here to service all your moving needs when OSA has ordered you to move far away from neighboring SP’s, particularly when these SP’s are family who want to stop your Bridge progress.
“While we in the Church of Scientology most definitely do not practice Disconnection as portrayed by the ASC-controlled wog media,” said VP of Disconnection Services Mr. Ken Delusion, “We strongly feel that no Scientologist should be forced to live near any source of enturbulances or suppression who are hostile to their practice of Scientology and its policy of Disconnection, a policy that is widely misunderstood.”
“Disconnection does not ‘break up families’ as claimed,” emphasized Mr. Delusion who has not spoken to his own parents in ten years after they were declared SP’s for reading entheta on the internet, “Rather, Disconnection simply rearranges families and changes ‘communication‘ to ‘no communication.’ And indeed as the Founder said, ‘No communication with disaffected family members prevents a chaos of thinkingness, a flood of restimulative human emotion and reaction in which the gung ho Scientologist feels torn between the Church and his or her family. Dramatizing family is a homo sap weakness, nothing more than genetic entity think and the Homo Novis is a skyscraper higher than such concerns, particularly when Scientology so desperately needs more money.”
“It is a high crime, a violation of KSW to put family before the Church,” Delusion pointedly insisted. “And even my own parents know how easy it is to get back in touch with me. They simply need to do A-E, make up the damage they’ve done to the group, and strike an effective blow against the members of the group they’ve been pretending to be a member of. Marty has set a sterling example in this regard as he suffers up through the conditions.”
“In happier news,” said Delusion, “the new Hubbard Trailer Rancho has opened in Dunedin. Named after the Founder, this older trailer park was acquired by the ILO recently with IAS funds. The park features affordable single wide trailer homes and is intended for those Scientologists who don’t have the reach or wherewithal to afford a stick built home. And per Scientology policy, the Hubbard Trailer Rancho is ringed with a razor wire fence to keep SP’s out and Scientologists in.”
“Once again the Psychiatric Illuminati have attacked Mankind’s only hope of salvation when they burned Scientology scripture in their Scientology witch hunt,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Freedom Magazine has discovered that the Psychs behind Burning Man had premeditated this plot to burn Scientology in effigy while pretending it was an ‘artistic statement’ decrying our sacred doctrine of Disconnection. Yet as actual study on art by the Founder has shown, artists would never call sacrilege art. Serious artists such as Tom Cruise only make art that has a high aesthetic wavelength.”
“This bonfire unequivocally proves that the anti-Scientology community has now become far worse than OSA, Fair Game, RPF, Sea Org child labor, Sea Org slavery, and Disconnection rolled into one,” complained Delusion. “Setting ablaze a depiction of our holy religious doctrine of Disconnection is an act of hate.”
“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has authorized the IAS to spend $1.2 billion dollars to purchase 500,000 acres of land in the Black Rock desert of Gerlach, Nevada. This privatization of the land will put an end to all future Burning Man festivals. That Burning Man is backed by the Psychiatric Illuminati is easily proven by the blasphemous Temple of Xenu at which human sacrifices were conducted,” Delusion noted.
COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige today staged a a press conference in the rundown slum of Echo Park to express his ecclesiastical outrage at a billboard that paints the Church of Scientology in a false light.
“Scientology has no policy on Disconnection,” declared Mr. Miscavige. “It is all a matter of a personal choice of our parishioners. For example, I refuse to talk to my father because he has, apparently, wrote a book attacking me after, allegedly, I hired a pair of armed private investigators to secretly follow him for two years. But none of this is true. I never knew about any of this because I was too busy opening Ideal Orgs and rooting out malicious semicolons in the sacred texts of Scientology. A misplaced semicolon can literally kill you,” warned Mr. Miscavige.
“Nevertheless, I have chosen not to speak to my father until he cleans up his upsets with the Church, does steps A-E, and signs over the rights to his book to me and destroys all copies.”
“This sign in Echo Park is an attack on the Church of Scientology. The sign attempts to make Scientology appear to be an evil and vicious group that breaks up families by Disconnection. But this is just not the case. When we break up families it is only because it is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”
“Moreover, the people from whom Scientologists choose to disconnect are SP’s. We in Scientology have a very strict doctrine prohibiting any association with SP’s. Factually, to refuse to disconnect from an SP is a suppressive act that results in an SP Declare — and once you’ve been declared an SP all Scientologists must disconnect from you because you’re an SP.”
“I trust this data clarifies Scientology’s policy on Disconnection.”
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE so it’s not retraining!”
“Marge, didja hear what COB just said? The Tech is 100% ON SOURCE for the first time ever! Howzabout we celebrate with a Kool? Cuz’ that’s about all we can afford these days. Marge? Did you just go unconscious?”
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE so why don’t you just get a life and DO THE COURSE THE WAY IT SAYS TO DO IT!
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE so it’s not retraining!”
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE so it’s not retraining! DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I GET REAL ANGRY RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW BUSTER!!!
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE? No thanks. I think I’ll stay home and read the internet and watch some basketball.
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE? What? What day is today?
“The Tech is finally 100% ON SOURCE so it’s not retraining! WTF? I want a refund of all my money!”
Hello! We were just passing through your neighborhood and thought we’d drop by to tell that you that the last time we stopped by the Tech was not 100% ON SOURCE. But now that COB has finally gotten in 100% ON SOURCE Tech we’re finally better.”
From the book:
“Scientologist Tom Cruise trembled as he approached the golden glittering IAS stage to receive the highest medal ever given to anyone in Scientology.”
“He was in the presence of greatness.”
“That greatness was me.”
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