Now it can be revealed: The real purpose of COB’s giant circus tent at Flag Land Base in Clearwater is to host COB’s Beauty Contest. Once crowned, the winner will immediately marry Tom Cruise before the audience of 10,000 Scientologists.
Hosted by Captain David Miscavige of the RTC-CSI Surveillance Vigilante Squadron (RTC-CSI SVS), the beauty pageant will feature upstat female Scientologists who meet the following qualifications.
1. Have been in the Church of Scientology for at least five calendar years.
2. Have attained IAS Patron Bloviatus status or higher.
3. Have reached OT III or higher.
4. Have worked in show business for at least three years.
5. Pass a metered RTC Ethics sec check and have a clean Ethics file.
6. Have incisor teeth dimensions suitable to Mr. Cruise, or, are willing to have your incisor teeth filed down to suitable aesthetic dimensions by a Scientology dentist.
7. Are able to instantly duplicate COB when he speaks with no comm lag.
Applicants must submit an application to we in RTC no later than next Thursday at 2:00 PM. Please include a picture portfolio and proof of IAS membership.
Will you walk into COB’s giant circus tent and become the next Mrs. Tom Cruise?