Will You Be the Next Mrs. Tom Cruise?

Now it can be revealed: The real purpose of COB’s giant circus tent at Flag Land Base in Clearwater is to host COB’s Beauty Contest. Once crowned, the winner will immediately marry Tom Cruise before the audience of 10,000 Scientologists.


Hosted by Captain David Miscavige of the RTC-CSI Surveillance Vigilante Squadron (RTC-CSI SVS), the beauty pageant will feature upstat female Scientologists who meet the following qualifications.

1. Have been in the Church of Scientology for at least five calendar years.

2. Have attained IAS Patron Bloviatus status or higher.

3. Have reached OT III or higher.

4. Have worked in show business for at least three years.

5. Pass a metered RTC Ethics sec check and have a clean Ethics file.

6. Have incisor teeth dimensions suitable to Mr. Cruise, or, are willing to have your incisor teeth filed down to suitable aesthetic dimensions by a Scientology dentist.

7. Are able to instantly duplicate COB when he speaks with no comm lag.

Applicants must submit an application to we in RTC no later than next Thursday at 2:00 PM. Please include a picture portfolio and proof of IAS membership.

Will you walk into COB’s giant circus tent and become the next Mrs. Tom Cruise?


20 replies »

  1. How we know you’re making it up this time: nooooobody can make OT III who has been in Scientology for only five years. And does “been in show business for at least three years” include adult films? Gotta expand the applicant pool as much as possible…


    • Our San Fernando Valley OT’s on the other hand, have been through the OT levels many times over five decades and yet our miraculous Tech has never seemed to work on them. We say this as only complete morons would make such embarrassing fundraising videos. These three old tire-biters will certainly not be considered for COB’s Beauty Pageant:


  2. It will be hard to top Tom Cruises’ last bachelor party. The story of Tommy Davis and the Liza Minnelli impersonator’s lap dance is legendary. To this day, every time he hears the Kinks’ Lola, he has a panic attack.


  3. OTVIIIisGrrr8,
    you forgot that she must not have any sexual perversions. How dare you! 😉
    But the candidate must be open to
    a) not to dislike, what Tom likes.
    b) not to tell anyone, what Tom likes.
    c) never disagree with what COB orders her to like.
    d) being filmed and under surveillance24/7.
    e) being harassed by Tom or COB.
    f) signing her legal and human rights away in favour of the Church of Dollars.
    g) brushing closets with toothbrushes.


  4. “Are able to instantly duplicate COB when he speaks with no comm lag.” That’s going to cut a lot of potential applicants out. Perhaps someone who trained under Prof. Erwin Corey would suffice?


  5. I just realized I mocked up my entire reactive mind, yet I’m still a bit confused. OT VIII, on your site you have referred to Mr. Miscavige as Captain Miscavige, his Holiness David Miscavige, Emperor Miscavige, Fleet Admiral Miscavige, and I have even referred to him as Field Marshall Miscavige. Which one is it?


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