Scientology leader David Miscavige stands accused in a Texas court of — among other things — harassing a woman by having shadowy and nebulous agents of the Church of Scientology mail a dildo to her workplace. Mr. Miscavige allegedly had this done in order to embarrass and humiliate the woman in front of her co-workers.
Yet, as with all matters that involve Mr. Miscavige, the actual story is far more complicated and expensive than merely mailing some SP a common dildo.
Because COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildo Tech is so wildly misunderstood by wogs, we in the Religious Technology Center (RTC) wish to clarify the matter of Mr. Miscavige’s use of dildos to enforce Scientology orthodoxy.
We begin by pointing out that Mr. Miscavige set a world standard for manufacturing excellence when he opened the new Bridge Publications unit, a gleaming state of the art facility specializing in on demand printing in over 2,000,000 languages.
In the same way, then, when Mr. Miscavige opened the new RTC Ecclesiastical Dildo Assembly Special Service (RED ASS) , this $100,000,000 state of the art factory set a new Scientology standard of excellence in religious dildo design, manufacturing, and testing.
RED ASS is Mr. Miscavige’s personal assurance that his enemies will receive only the finest dildos possible! No cheap wog dildos for COB! No sir, when Mr. Miscavige and the Church of Scientology hate someone that person gets the RED ASS treatment.
RED ASS workers oversee every aspect of RTC Ecclesiastical Dildo manufacturing.
No detail is missed; no plastic vein overlooked.
All RTC Ecclesiastical Dildos undergo 100% inspection.
Finally, all RTC Ecclesiastical Dildos undergo a rigorous program of mechanical and thermal testing using equipment specially designed to COB’s personal standards of excellence:
Only those dildos meeting Mr. Miscavige’s strict personal standards are given the RTC Imprimatur and designated as RTC Ecclesiastical Dildos.
Once the RTC imprimatur is on such dildos, they are mailed out by shadowy RTC agents to SP’s, bitter defrocked apostates, and other deviants who have run afoul of Mr. Miscavige and Church of Scientology orthodoxy.
All of you perverts and unemployed fringe internet trash have been warned! Now leave COB and the Church of Scientology alone!