Scientology leader David Miscavige stands accused in a Texas court of — among other things — harassing a woman by having shadowy and nebulous agents of the Church of Scientology mail a dildo to her workplace. Mr. Miscavige allegedly had this done in order to embarrass and humiliate the woman in front of her co-workers.
Yet, as with all matters that involve Mr. Miscavige, the actual story is far more complicated and expensive than merely mailing some SP a common dildo.
Because COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildo Tech is so wildly misunderstood by wogs, we in the Religious Technology Center (RTC) wish to clarify the matter of Mr. Miscavige’s use of dildos to enforce Scientology orthodoxy.
We begin by pointing out that Mr. Miscavige set a world standard for manufacturing excellence when he opened the new Bridge Publications unit, a gleaming state of the art facility specializing in on demand printing in over 2,000,000 languages.
In the same way, then, when Mr. Miscavige opened the new RTC Ecclesiastical Dildo Assembly Special Service (RED ASS) , this $100,000,000 state of the art factory set a new Scientology standard of excellence in religious dildo design, manufacturing, and testing.
RED ASS is Mr. Miscavige’s personal assurance that his enemies will receive only the finest dildos possible! No cheap wog dildos for COB! No sir, when Mr. Miscavige and the Church of Scientology hate someone that person gets the RED ASS treatment.
RED ASS workers oversee every aspect of RTC Ecclesiastical Dildo manufacturing.
No detail is missed; no plastic vein overlooked.
All RTC Ecclesiastical Dildos undergo 100% inspection.
Finally, all RTC Ecclesiastical Dildos undergo a rigorous program of mechanical and thermal testing using equipment specially designed to COB’s personal standards of excellence:
Only those dildos meeting Mr. Miscavige’s strict personal standards are given the RTC Imprimatur and designated as RTC Ecclesiastical Dildos.
Incur COB’s wrath and this man will mail you an RTC Ecclesiastical Dildo!
Once the RTC imprimatur is on such dildos, they are mailed out by shadowy RTC agents to SP’s, bitter defrocked apostates, and other deviants who have run afoul of Mr. Miscavige and Church of Scientology orthodoxy.
All of you perverts and unemployed fringe internet trash have been warned! Now leave COB and the Church of Scientology alone!
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
So this is what COB means by “straight up and vertical”!
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That is a major cognition in your part jgg2012. You really got three feet behind your head on this one!
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Maybe I should be talking to customer service but you seem to know people and isn’t that what it’s really all about? Anyway, I recently purchased the porcelain “Mary Sue” model with the optional lithium magneto backup, guaranteed not to bend, crack, chip or peel. Do you know the one I’m talking about? I took it to my local Ideal Org for the 90 day warranty inspection and they say it needs to be sent in for repair because it won’t hit 12,000 RPM. It could take 8 to 12 weeks because there’s some “Big” project going on. Here’s the rub, no pun intended, there is no loner policy. Can you help a guy out?
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You pulled it in.
What else can we say?
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Anyone who would DARE suggest that ecclesiastical leader Captain David Miscavige, COB RTC would secretly mail out a giant hairy dildo is a complete f**king LIAR!!!!!!! There’s nothing “hairy” about his dildos that he secretly mails out. COB Office Staff (shown) even wear special RTC hair nets (in all the right places) in keeping with RTC’s purpose to “keep it pure.” They also wear special drool-resistant mouth guards. DM (R) Dildos have 136% extra rigidity and 154% less flex since rigid inflexibility what DM’s all about!
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Well said Thoughtful. Captain Miscavige of RTC is committed to screwing anyone and everyone by using his Ecclesiastical dildos on them. And that is why we all must stand together and help the IAS help Captain Miscavige by donating to the IAS until it hurts like, well, like an RTC Ecclesiastical dildo being hammered up your backside by COB.
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Now I’m wondering if Shell’s ‘absence’ has something to do with unauthorised dildos?
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The dildos appear to have been mocked up to COB’s postulated “real life” size. Shelly was sent away for having the nerve to point out the rather large incongruity. Lou has the common sense to tell him they’re the same, although she remains heavily involved with quality control testing.
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Leah Remini wasn’t interested in any of these. She is too busy reading Marc Headley’s book, Blown For Good.
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Capt. Whostolemycog, the statue of COB at St. Hill alludes to his self-confidence issues in this area.
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It should come as no surprise that the Church of Scientology has been mailing out dildos. For years they have been telling SPs to go f*ck themselves.
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Hilarious!
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Hysterical!!!
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Wonder when I get my free dildo. Wasn’t I mean enough to deserve a RED ASS dildo? Not fair.
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Geez, I am confused. I thought Scientology was the road to total freedom, not the road to total pleasure. I was just wondering, does DM COB personally test these Ecclesiastical Dildos and where does he actually shove them. Need I even ask this question? Furthermore, in order to save on costs, are any of the tested dildos shipped out to SPs, or does the RTC dispose them? While reducing costs is beneficial, so is quality control and the prevention of spreading venereal diseases. David Miscavige is both foolish and presumptuous to think that SPs are as perverted as he is and that they would want an Ecclesiastical Dildo mailed to their home. I don’t think SP stick them in the same place he does. Up his ass! No, these Ecclesiastical Dildos are shoved in the trash!
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The RTC is losing the plot if they think they can coax SPs into recanting their suppressive acts by bribing them with dildos. It just won’t work. DM is deluded. He needs to get a reality check. He is the only one that really desires a dildo to penetrate his behind. He is the true pervert.
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Now da’ midget’s dun dun it…
See, only Crazy Tony, Jilly, and Bobbie “Big Guns” Tuppello gots da’ hook on dem’ porn gigs down on 42nd Street, includin’ dem fake prick factories. Dey don’t call “Big Guns” dat fuh nuttin’, and I’m thinkin’ da’ midget might be benden’ overs soon enough, while “Big Guns” take his 70% out, den in, den out, den in, until da’ midget dun realized da’ errors of hiz wayz…
“Guns” ain’t da’ most gentle if youz gets my drift. And WTF’s an “Ecclesiastical f’ink RTC whatevahdafuck”? Sister Rose nevah dun mentioned no dildoes n’ shit when I was at St. Schtuppen’s back in da’ day…
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