Church of Scientology to Expand Ties With North Korea

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced today that the Church would expand its ties with North Korea. “Both the Church and North Korea share a similar philosophy of values and so this makes sense for both parties,” Delusion added.

“COB RTC David Miscavige is committed to bringing  the Church’s proven social betterment programs to North Korea,” Delusion stated, “and nowhere is this more true than in the area of training senior North Korean government and military officials to become Scientology auditors.”

In related news, COB RTC David Miscavige this week appeared with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to discuss the deepening crisis with the West.


COB RTC David Miscavige shares the dais with North Korean leader Kim Jung-nu in Pyongyang. The two world leaders met to confer on expanding the role of Church of Scientology in North Korea.

Commenting on the present state of affairs between North Korean and the West, Mr. Miscavige observed that, “The crisis has it roots in the West keying in deep-seated engrams within  Kim Jong-un’s Reactive Mind.”

Mr. Miscavige remarked that, “Kim Jong-un’s Reactive Mind can only be handled using Scientology auditing. Nevertheless, and more to the point, how can my good friend and fellow world leader Kim Jong-un ever get himself sessionable when he can’t metab? And how can he metab when the West keeps screaming at him for all sorts of unreasonable concessions such as North Korea ending its peaceful nuclear program?”

“Why can’t the North Koreans smash at0ms like everyone else?” asked Mr. Miscavige.

Speaking through a translator, the North Korean leader demanded an end to,  among other things, the West’s ban on the importation of Scientology e-meters into the country. “North Korea needs at least 1,000,000 e-meters if we are to harmoniously resolve our internal problems. We also need billions of dollars in hard cash from the West in order to purchase these e-meters,” Kim Jong-un declared.

Mr. Miscavige promised an aid package to North Korea that included, “500,000,000 copies of The Way to Happiness, this as soon as OT Bob Duggan mans up donates for it.”

In related news, Church of Scientology Ideal Org officials happily concluded negotiations with North Korean officials on lease terms for 900,000 square feet in the palatial Ryugyong hotel. The lease terms call for Mr. Miscavige to have a penthouse office complete with running water and working elevators by 2018.

To be called Ideal Org North Korea (IONK), the new facility will house 2,500 Sea Org members who will deliver Scientology services in a atmosphere of pure theta.

10 replies »

  1. Ah yes, a perfect marriage. Kim’s father claimed to make 11 hole in ones the first time he played golf. I know of only one person whose personal claims were more ridiculous.


  2. You in RTC will be right at home in the Ryugyong Hotel, which resembles the typical Ideal Org on so many counts: big expensive building that lies empty for many years while “donations” are solicited to finish the interior; problems with elevator maintenance; low occupancy levels; audio and video bugs in each of the rooms.

    But interestingly, the North Koreans are real professionals at regging for donations. To finish the Ryugyong Hotel, the North Koreans hit up the Egyptians who bid on the cellphone license for $400 million in investments to finish the Ryugyong. That’s about what you’ve pulled in for the entire Ideal Org operation plus the Super Power building, and they’ve done it in a single transaction. They make you look like amateurs. For additional perspective on what $400 million buys in the way of real estate these days, I won’t add insult to injury by pointing out that $400 million was about what one of the managing general partners here at Global Capitalism HQ paid to refurbish his mansion in Greenwich last year.


    • We in RTC are still seriously keyed in from the recent threat whereby Cyprus was going to take 10% of the money the Church of Scientology has stashed there in secret accounts.

      This was all highly restimulative and now we in RTC must rethink our secret bank account strategy.

      The North Koreans may have made $400 million on cell phone rights, but we in RTC saw very few actual cellphones when were recently in Pyongyang with COB.

      COB himself had to use the payphone in the lobby of the hotel. Kim Jong-un kept leaning in next to COB trying to listen in on the call.

      Kim Jong-un was no doubt hoping that COB was discussing beauty secrets with Tom Cruise.

      It became very apparent to we in RTC that the dumpy Kim Jong-un is very jealous of COB’s personal appearance, trim physique, and photogenic looks. Indeed, this March 2013 photo of COB speaking at the LRH Birthday event shows just how good COB looks.

      COB is certainly much more handsome than Kim Jong-un!


  3. And I thought COB was still missing.

    So in reality the air duct was a time-hole which transferred COB directly to Korea ?
    That would be really good news to hear that COB was pushed into the Hole by one of his bodyguards.


  4. Is it just me or does that hotel look like a star wars imperial cruiser? Did Grand Enema Great leader Miscavige make a deal for North Korean RPF technology?


  5. North Korea is perfect for the Sea Org, and vice versa. NK citizens already slave away at 100 hour work weeks. Their citizens eat grass, so the rice and beans will be a welcome addition to their diet. The citizens listen to mindless propaganda all day from govt. loudspeakers, so a few Hubbard lectures will add variety. NK views US as a corporate-dominated state, so portraying us as controlled by Big Pharma makes sense. Also, they are heavy smokers, and LRH said smoking is good for you.


  6. Another reason this merger is so good is that Co$ and PRNK have similar justice systems. Sea Org members are sentenced to the RPF for minor crimes like telling a joke about LRH. People in North Korea are sentenced to prison for humming a South Korean song.


  7. That big building in the top photo is the Ryugyong Hotel. Despite spending tens of millions, the elevators don’t work and it’s not complete. Sort of like the Super Powers Building.


  8. An Ideal Org in the heart of beautiful, downtown Pyongyang would add immeasurably to this thriving cosmopolitan hub that features all of the charm of Alamogordo combined with the timeless beauty of Detroit.


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