Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced today that the Church would expand its ties with North Korea. “Both the Church and North Korea share a similar philosophy of values and so this makes sense for both parties,” Delusion added.
“COB RTC David Miscavige is committed to bringing the Church’s proven social betterment programs to North Korea,” Delusion stated, “and nowhere is this more true than in the area of training senior North Korean government and military officials to become Scientology auditors.”
In related news, COB RTC David Miscavige this week appeared with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to discuss the deepening crisis with the West.
Commenting on the present state of affairs between North Korean and the West, Mr. Miscavige observed that, “The crisis has it roots in the West keying in deep-seated engrams within Kim Jong-un’s Reactive Mind.”
Mr. Miscavige remarked that, “Kim Jong-un’s Reactive Mind can only be handled using Scientology auditing. Nevertheless, and more to the point, how can my good friend and fellow world leader Kim Jong-un ever get himself sessionable when he can’t metab? And how can he metab when the West keeps screaming at him for all sorts of unreasonable concessions such as North Korea ending its peaceful nuclear program?”
“Why can’t the North Koreans smash at0ms like everyone else?” asked Mr. Miscavige.
Speaking through a translator, the North Korean leader demanded an end to, among other things, the West’s ban on the importation of Scientology e-meters into the country. “North Korea needs at least 1,000,000 e-meters if we are to harmoniously resolve our internal problems. We also need billions of dollars in hard cash from the West in order to purchase these e-meters,” Kim Jong-un declared.
Mr. Miscavige promised an aid package to North Korea that included, “500,000,000 copies of The Way to Happiness, this as soon as OT Bob Duggan mans up donates for it.”
In related news, Church of Scientology Ideal Org officials happily concluded negotiations with North Korean officials on lease terms for 900,000 square feet in the palatial Ryugyong hotel. The lease terms call for Mr. Miscavige to have a penthouse office complete with running water and working elevators by 2018.
To be called Ideal Org North Korea (IONK), the new facility will house 2,500 Sea Org members who will deliver Scientology services in a atmosphere of pure theta.