Pope David Miscavige to Lead the Catholic Church!

Church of Scientology leader David Miscavige has irrevocably declared himself Pope Miscavige and will become the Vicar of Christ on Earth during the Papal coronation ceremony to be held at the Vatican on April 1, 2013.


In an exclusive audience granted to Ken Delusion of the Scientology One Global News Bureaux, Mr. Miscavige stated that he had placed the Catholic Church in an Ethics condition of Danger. As Danger is handled by bypassing those in the way of handling the situation, Mr. Miscavige bypassed the dangerously suppressive and Psych-infested College of Cardinals and appointed himself the new Pope.

Following a blueprint he established when he effectively seized control of the Nation of Islam by bypassing Louis Farrakhan, Mr. Miscavige has now taken over the Catholic Church and next plans to put Protestantism in an ethics condition of Danger. All world religions will soon fall like dominoes to the irresistible and miraculous power of David Miscavige, the spiritual mentor of notable thetans such as Tom Cruise, Anne Archer, and Grant Cardone.

This is all for the greatest good, for it is true that the Nation of Islam has gone into straight up and vertical screaming affluence since Mr. Miscavige took over. Graciously, though, Mr. Miscavige has allowed his juniors — including Minister Farrakhan — to take the credit; such is the magnanimous character and generosity of David Miscavige.

Indeed, Pope Miscavige will continue in his generosity by making Louis Farrakhan a Catholic Cardinal, this to give Cardinal Farrakhan a wider audience whereby he he may better promote his  book The Secret Relationship Between Blacks and Jews: Volume One. While this book has been called anti-Semitic propaganda by Nation of Islam haters, we in the Church of Scientology believe so very much in Free Speech that we ignore the protests of the ADL.


Just as David Miscavige is bulldozing the R6 implants known as the Koran and the Bible in the Nation of Islam in favor of Scientology, so too will Mr. Miscavige handle the Catholics in such a way that allows them to see that they are caught in an R6 implant called Christianity and that the real truth is Scientology.

As if Mr. Miscavige’s achievements were not already monumental and his labor herculean, we in RTC hasten to add that David Miscavige is also the Fleet Admiral of Scientology’s Sea Org. In his role as Fleet Admiral, David Miscavige controls a force of 50,000,000 Scientology Sea Org members who work dedicatedly each day to put in Ethics on this Planet.


Fleet Admiral David Miscavige in Times Square on New Year’s Eve where he unveiled the Church of Scientology’s “Dare to Think for Yourself” PR campaign.

In order to summarize by way of breathlessly concluding, the fact is that David Miscavige has four decades of experience as the ecclesiastical leader  of the Scientology religion, a new religion that has grown more in the past five years under his leadership than in the previous fifty years. This uniquely qualifies Mr. Miscavige to become Pope Miscavige.

21 replies »

    • Poisonivyherself, we in RTC want you to be the first to know: Pope Miscavige has decreed that you are to receive an official RTC burlwood pen upon your joining the Sea Org this evening.

      We are sending a Sea Org van to your home. Please be ready by 11:00 PM to enter the ranks of the elite Sea Org.

      Oh, and you get one of the coveted top bunks in SO berthing.


      • EVERY bunk in the Sea Org is a top bunk! And all, handcrafted in the 1940s by World War II artisans for Japanese and German POWs, and later purchased at a 1970s auction for $1 each including “mattress.”


  1. This is incredible news. I could be wrong but now that he’s lording over three religions, the proper title would be “Triple-Crown Pope Miscavige” — the Greatest Spiritual Leader from the 20th Century of the Black Lagoon. Never in history have fur-lined shawls of red velvet, brocade and lace gowns, plus giant gonad-shaped tapestries (see photo above) of the finest pederast raiment looked “so right” nor fit so well. With his proud dark star rising in the sky, straight up and vertical, we will soon hear of the Three Wise Guys bearing gifts of goul, Frankenstein, and myrrder.

    Oh, and wasn’t that new campaign in Time’s Square called “Dare to Fink on Yourself” — commanding public to “report in” and confess to any secret savings and sign over their children for body snatching.

    Please keep this secret, but I hear the follow up campaign released at the next event is going to be called, “Dare to Stink for Your Health” which is designed to help new Scientologists stop human trafficking by spreading the message of cancer to all staff.


    • If COB can re-write LRHubtard “scriptures” he can surely do the the same with the Bible in his new position as Pope. I hear word of magical copper underwear being added to the Three Wise Guys gifts that may also convert Mormans to C0$. “Triple-Crown” is never enough.


  2. OT8,

    Was it you who sent the guy who uses the names of: Ziontologist/Flunk/Bob/B.M./etc.. to Tony’s site to harass the Sci Fighters? Sending one guy with so many different socks tells me that the Co$ doesn’t have enough trolls to do the job of many. As I recall, he doesn’t believe the stories about the RPF, so if you send him there, he’ll think it’s a vacation.


    • No, we did not send Ziontologist. If you read our post at the criminal blog run by Tony Ortega you will find that we are actually in favor of lobotomizing these people for the greatest good on all dynamics.


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