Scientology Project Celebrity 2013

In his latest OOD’s (Orders of the Day), Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige announced Scientology Project Celebrity 2013.

In the words of Fleet Admiral Miscavige, “The goal of Scientology Project Celebrity 2013 is to skillfully and craftily lure in vain, needy, and weak-minded celebrities into the Church of Scientology so that the Church may thereby be enriched both in terms of PR and money.”

The Fleet Admiral further declared that, “All manner of half-truths, lies, and other fraudulent inducements are acceptable in the pursuit of celebrities. They are Scientology’s quarry. We need their money and fame so go and get them!”

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has ordered Admiral Cruise to recruit new and better celebrities into the Church of Scientology.

As part of this project, the Fleet Admiral has assigned Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise a Celebrity Quota for 2013.

Except for Tom Cruise, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is, “Sick and tired of Scientology’s existing lousy, coddled, downstat, has been celebrities who are unwilling and unable to widely disseminate Scientology on a planetary basis.”

The Fleet Admiral’s Project Celebritry 2013 orders Admiral Cruise to recruit “new and better celebrities” for the Church of Scientology. Specifically, the following twenty-five celebrities top the list of celebrities that Admiral Cruise has been ordered to pursue and recruit into the Church of Scientology:

  1. Jennifer Lopez
  2. Oprah Winfrey
  3. Justin Bieber
  4. Rihanna
  5. Lady Gaga
  6. Britney Spears
  7. Kim Kardashian
  8. Katy Perry
  9. Steven Spielberg
  10. Taylor Swift
  11. Tiger Woods
  12. Angelina Jolie
  13. Donald Trump
  14. LeBron James
  15. Beyonce Knowles
  16. Rupert Murdoch
  17. Simon Cowell
  18. Rush Limbaugh
  19. Tyler Perry
  20. Paul McCartney
  21. Jennifer Aniston
  22. Glenn Beck
  23. Kobe Bryant
  24. Brad Pitt
  25. Gary Busey

If you are one of the celebrities on the list, please be aware that you will not be immune to the charms and blandishments of Tom Cruise nor of the Church of Scientology. We will find your ruin and then help you using all available means at our disposal.

Speaking to wog reporters from his office at the Celebrity Centre International in Hollywood, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion emphatically asserted that, “Scientology is a deadly serious activity. The entire agonized future of every man, woman, and child on Earth is at stake. Only by lying and denying and recruiting wealthy and powerful celebrities can we save the Church of Scientology in 2013. This is why Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s Project Celebrity 2013 is so vitally important.”

Delusion went on to note that, “The Church of Scientology’s aggressive affection and caring is sometimes mistaken for stalking or spying by those who do not understand what real caring means. All we want is for celebrities to join the Church of Scientology and to lead others into the Church of Scientology. We also want celebrities to care enough about Planetary Clearing to donate large sums of money to the IAS.”

In terms of lesser celebrities, Admiral Cruise has not given up on recruiting David and Victoria Beckham into the Church of Scientology. Admiral Tom Cruise has in fact loaned the Beckham’s his Grumman IV business jet, this because the Beckham’s are too poor and downstat to afford their own jet.

In related news, Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise’s global speech wherein he issued the Church’s Universal Denial of all charges and allegations against it, will be rebroadcast in each of the Church’s 21,182,659 Ideal Orgs beginning today.

All Scientologists are hereby ordered to watch Admiral Cruise’s speech seven times and then clay demo it. In doing so, every Scientologists will gain a reality on how important it is to “Lie and Deny” on behalf of the Church of Scientology.

Above: Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise addresses the Scientology faithful in his highly acclaimed “Universal Denial” speech.

24 responses to “Scientology Project Celebrity 2013

  1. Glenn Beck is your best bet–he is homophobic and believes things with no scientific basis whatsoever.

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  2. “Admiral Tom Cruise has in fact loaned the Beckham’s his Grumman IV business jet,” Is this supposed to be some sort of double entendre?

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  3. Isn’t Jennifer Lopez already a Sci?

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  4. “Church of Scientology Ken Delusion emphatically asserted that, “Only by lying and denying and”

    Shouldn’t Ken be referred to by his title, ‘Pettiest Officer of Public Relations”?

    Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie in the same club? That perked my nipples right up!

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  5. Oh dear. Have you in RTC noticed that David looks pale and bleary-eyed in this photo? Poor COB! He must be up all night fretting over his niece and other ARC breaky family members.

    Please tell David that I admire his strength in the face of such crushing loneliness. I also admire his fancy, ribbon-bedecked dress uniform. May I suggest that you in RTC focus your celebrity recruiting efforts on comedians? I hear they are some of the most needy and insecure of celebrities. Surely these are people David would have much in common with. His skills as a roastmaster are legendary amongst staff on the Int base, and he’s needy and insecure too. Establishing ARC should be a cinch!

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    • CV, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige (FADM) has a very hard life. You see, he has to do everything himself.

      The entire Int Base exec strata are all in a condition of “Suppressive Person to COB.”

      As a consequence the Org Board for Int Base has never been finished. FADM has to wear all of the hats and do all of the work. The Church of Scientology is literally only surviving because FADM wakes up each morning and wills the Church to exist by performing the necessary 2,818 actions each day required for the Church to survive.

      Some days there are more than 12,818 actions, However, at the bare minimum, the Church of Scientology must perform 2,818 specific actions each day in order to survive. These actions range from cleaning windows using newspaper to approving legal briefs and yes, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige does all of these things because, as we in RTC mentioned, all of Int Base exec strata is in a condition of “Suppressive Person to COB.” That is why all of these crims are locked up in a set of trailers.

      We in the Church of Scientology are grateful to have Fleet Admiral David Miscavige ensuring our Eternity. Were it not for this Auditor of Auditors — who never once slugged a female pc in session as alleged, we would all be lost. That is why we say, “Thank you sir!”

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  6. I have to congratulate you on showing much better pictures of the “not insane” COB. He almost looks human and a son to love.

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    • Thank you deElizabethan.

      Your kind words are proof that our PR campaign “The Softer Side of COB” is working broadly out there in the decadent kicked-in-the-head wog culture where people like you — and by this we mean “good wogs” — live in a fetid cesspool of crime, squalor, and drugs.

      No but seriously, for any Scientologist reading this who believes there is such thing as a “good wog”, we in RTC demand you do this drill right now:

      Mock up a a wog coming into your typical clean, theta, upstat, and totally safe Scientology neighborhood. He unfolds a lawn chair and sits his bloated and corpulent wog body down on the chair in front of your house on the sidewalk. He sits there all day, all afternoon, all evening, and until the next morning.

      The police and OSA are called to report the wog, but he is not arrested due to that stupid wog “Civil Rights” thing.

      And as we Scientologists are upstanding law abiding citizens, the wog although unwanted and uninvited, would still be sitting there in the same condition in which he arrived. Factually, several VM’s would have come by to offer him touch assists and copies of TWTH.

      Now for the second part of the experiment: Mock up a Scientologist walking into the center of a wog neighborhood and sitting down on a lawn chair between the liquor store and the Psychiatrist’s office. How long before the wogs jump the Scientologist, cram psych drugs and heroin down his throat, rob him, and then gang rape him while calling all of this an “alternative lifestyle” that is okay because wog politicos and psychs said so?

      A Scientologist would not be safe even in a “good wog” neighborhood like Encino that is full of psychs, drug dealers, Starbucks, and porn.

      And yet you filthy violent wogs attack COB and we in the Church of Scientology for trying to help you!

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  7. John Travolta appears to have some free time now that his legal hijinks are behind him (no pun intended). Why not promote him to Rear Admiral (pun intended) and put him to work. He could have Oprah with cans in hand faster than you can say Nicole is a SP. Don’t waste your time on Lady Gaga. She’ll definitely go Kabbalah when she chooses a cult.

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  8. Well, if any of those 25 don’t work out, I hope COB will consider the following candidates:

    John Gosselin
    Mel Gibson
    Courtney Love
    Charlie Sheen
    Lindsay Lohan (or any of her 2Ds)

    Sure, they’re downstat now, but think of what would happen to their career trajectories after they’re recruited by Admiral Cruise! Straight up and vertical.

    I also think Ted Nugent would be a good get for the church. He and Chill EB could do some righteous rappin’ about Scientology, if you could pry Ted away from his bow and arrow, gun collection, knives, and whatnot.

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    • I think that attention-hungry people would join, at least to get attention. Try there:

      1. Kim Kardashian
      2. Speidi
      3. Tara Reid
      4. Honey Boo
      5. NJ housewives
      6. Gloria Allred

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  9. What are all those medals for? Did he sell the most cookies?

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  10. OT8,

    Are you or Davey planning on writing your memoirs or self-help books?

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  11. Where is Lindsay Lohan.
    Scientology is incomplete without a Lohan!

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  12. COB is 52+ and his eyes look like my Grandfather’s just months before he passed.

    Like

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