In his latest OOD’s (Orders of the Day), Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige announced Scientology Project Celebrity 2013.
In the words of Fleet Admiral Miscavige, “The goal of Scientology Project Celebrity 2013 is to skillfully and craftily lure in vain, needy, and weak-minded celebrities into the Church of Scientology so that the Church may thereby be enriched both in terms of PR and money.”
The Fleet Admiral further declared that, “All manner of half-truths, lies, and other fraudulent inducements are acceptable in the pursuit of celebrities. They are Scientology’s quarry. We need their money and fame so go and get them!”
As part of this project, the Fleet Admiral has assigned Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise a Celebrity Quota for 2013.
Except for Tom Cruise, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is, “Sick and tired of Scientology’s existing lousy, coddled, downstat, has been celebrities who are unwilling and unable to widely disseminate Scientology on a planetary basis.”
The Fleet Admiral’s Project Celebritry 2013 orders Admiral Cruise to recruit “new and better celebrities” for the Church of Scientology. Specifically, the following twenty-five celebrities top the list of celebrities that Admiral Cruise has been ordered to pursue and recruit into the Church of Scientology:
- Jennifer Lopez
- Oprah Winfrey
- Justin Bieber
- Lady Gaga
- Britney Spears
- Kim Kardashian
- Katy Perry
- Steven Spielberg
- Taylor Swift
- Tiger Woods
- Angelina Jolie
- Donald Trump
- LeBron James
- Beyonce Knowles
- Rupert Murdoch
- Simon Cowell
- Rush Limbaugh
- Tyler Perry
- Paul McCartney
- Jennifer Aniston
- Glenn Beck
- Kobe Bryant
- Brad Pitt
- Gary Busey
If you are one of the celebrities on the list, please be aware that you will not be immune to the charms and blandishments of Tom Cruise nor of the Church of Scientology. We will find your ruin and then help you using all available means at our disposal.
Speaking to wog reporters from his office at the Celebrity Centre International in Hollywood, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion emphatically asserted that, “Scientology is a deadly serious activity. The entire agonized future of every man, woman, and child on Earth is at stake. Only by lying and denying and recruiting wealthy and powerful celebrities can we save the Church of Scientology in 2013. This is why Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s Project Celebrity 2013 is so vitally important.”
Delusion went on to note that, “The Church of Scientology’s aggressive affection and caring is sometimes mistaken for stalking or spying by those who do not understand what real caring means. All we want is for celebrities to join the Church of Scientology and to lead others into the Church of Scientology. We also want celebrities to care enough about Planetary Clearing to donate large sums of money to the IAS.”
In terms of lesser celebrities, Admiral Cruise has not given up on recruiting David and Victoria Beckham into the Church of Scientology. Admiral Tom Cruise has in fact loaned the Beckham’s his Grumman IV business jet, this because the Beckham’s are too poor and downstat to afford their own jet.
In related news, Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise’s global speech wherein he issued the Church’s Universal Denial of all charges and allegations against it, will be rebroadcast in each of the Church’s 21,182,659 Ideal Orgs beginning today.
All Scientologists are hereby ordered to watch Admiral Cruise’s speech seven times and then clay demo it. In doing so, every Scientologists will gain a reality on how important it is to “Lie and Deny” on behalf of the Church of Scientology.
Above: Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise addresses the Scientology faithful in his highly acclaimed “Universal Denial” speech.