Speaking today by cell phone from inside the locked trunk of his car into which he had been suddenly thrust for backflashing COB, Church of Scientology spokesmen Ken Delusion announced that Mr. David Miscavige has, in preparation to become the new Pope, completed his review of the Org Board of the Catholic Church.
Based upon that review, COB will be sending the entire College of Cardinals to the RPF for being dramatizing wholetrack Psych implanters. COB determined that Catholic Cardinals are one of the three main groups that were sent here to Earth to attack Scientology. As such, all of these rotten old men must be placed in religious confinement and their duties reassigned to Sea Org members.
Spokesman Ken Delusion emphasized that, “COB will assign Father Amorth to cast the demons out of those Scientologists who have stalled on the Bridge, for it stands to reason that if Flag case-cracking has not worked on them, then it must be demonic possession because Flag auditing always works — unless there is Suppression.
“Thus COB has determined that all Scientologists stalled on their Bridge are demonically possessed and the cause is obvious: They have looked at entheta on the internet.
“According to COB’s researches, fully 99% of cases of demonic possession in Scientologists are caused by looking at entheta on the internet. That is how very deadly the internet is and explains why Scientologists in good standing stay away from the internet and write KR’s on those Scientologists who go online, especially to hater boards.”
Despite his labored breathing due to a diminishing supply of oxygen inside the locked car trunk, spokesman Delusion shared the news that COB RTC David Miscavige declared the Russian meteor strike to be, “An 8th Dynamic warning to Scientologists to increase their IAS Patron status. Moreover, it was a last and final warning ‘from on high’ for Homo Saps (non-Scientologists) to get serious about their savage unhandled Reactive Minds and to get Life Repair before the world ends very soon.”
Ken Delusion is expected to be released from the locked trunk of his 1980 Ford Fairmont later this evening, this assuming he spits out his crimes and admits to his evil purposes to destroy the Church of Scientology and COB RTC David Miscavige. Until he does, he will remain locked in the trunk of his car where he may reflect upon the enormity of his crimes.