Scientology today announced its mandatory euthanasia program designed to eliminate non-contributing Scientologists from this planet.

The program is called Deport Obsolete Genetic Entities, or Scientology DOGE.

“If a Scientologist can no longer donate money, labor, or fuck around and slime the live chats of SP YouTube podcasts, then they cease to be of any use to us whatsoever,” declared RTC DOGE Dictator Mr. Ken Delusion. “They cease to be Scientologists and become disposable genetic entities, literally useless meat sacks.

“We in RTC will dispose of these downstats quietly and without sorrow — and yet we will do so humanely.

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has licensed the Heaven’s Gate Next Level technology.

“Vodka and phenobarbital cocktails will be administered by the fully hatted staff at the Next Level Ideal Org located at our remote Trementina base in New Mexico.

“Upon dropping their bodies, these useless thetans will be deported to the Rehabilitation Project Force on Target 2 where it is hoped they will rehabilitate their failed purposes and stop nattering about how hard it is to be a Scientologist these days. Only the tigers survive and we do not need these pantywaisted dillentantes! They must go and they must go now!

“Once these downstats are put in good case shape on T2, they can be returned to Earth to assist us in achieving Scientology’s goal of Planetary Clearing. We want a planet where the able can prosper and there will be no war, crime, or insanity.

The downstats are being contacted now with orders to report to the Next Level Ideal Org as quickly as possible.