“Crippled by incontrovertible ‘smoking gun’ evidence of his racial bigotry, Clippers owner Donald Sterling has turned to David Miscavige for crisis PR management,” Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced today at a Staples Center press conference.
“David Miscavige is an expert on handling both horrendous personal PR and the internet,” Delusion stated. “And for this reason Captain Miscavige has outlined a firm seven point program to help Donald Sterling turn around his PR nightmare.”
“The elements of the Miscavige PR handling include having Sterling fire all of his PR people so that the media has no one to send requests to or receive communications from.”
“Donald Sterling should also completely ignore his attackers while, as the Miscavige plan calls for, be seen donating humanitarian booklets to C0lombia in order to claim that he personally reduced crime and drugs there by 95%.”
“Whereupon, David Miscavige has — based upon his personal experiences — recommended that Donald Sterling immediately spend at least ninety million dollars to harass, attack, and spy on those who are attacking him. Mr. Miscavige particularly emphasized the need for Sterling to discover his girlfriend’s crimes and expose her as a dramatizing wholetrack SP who was secretly sent in by NBA Psychs to destroy the Clippers organization.”
“Finally, the key element of the Miscavige PR plan is to have Sterling immediately turn the Clippers into a religion.”
“Religious status for the Clippers allows Donald Sterling to claim that he is the ecclesiastical leader of a global religion and is being persecuted by haters and bigots — and it gets even better because, by gaining a Scientology-like religious status for the Clippers,” Delusion concluded, “Donald Sterling will be able to immediately cut his payroll by 98%.”