Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Turns to David Miscavige for Crisis PR Management

Donald Sterling appears to be choking on his own words.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling appears to be choking on his own words.

“Crippled by incontrovertible ‘smoking gun’ evidence of his racial bigotry, Clippers owner Donald Sterling has turned to David Miscavige for crisis PR management,” Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced today at a  Staples Center press conference.

“David Miscavige is an expert on handling both horrendous personal  PR and the internet,” Delusion stated. “And for this reason Captain Miscavige has outlined a firm seven point program to help Donald Sterling turn around his PR nightmare.”

“The elements of the Miscavige PR handling include having Sterling fire all of his PR people so that the media has no one to send requests to or receive communications from.”

CDM.10“Donald Sterling should also completely ignore his attackers while, as the Miscavige plan calls for, be seen donating humanitarian booklets to C0lombia in order to claim that he personally reduced crime and drugs there by 95%.”

“Whereupon, David Miscavige has — based upon his personal experiences — recommended that Donald Sterling immediately spend at least ninety million dollars to harass, attack, and spy on those who are attacking him. Mr. Miscavige particularly emphasized the need for Sterling to discover his girlfriend’s crimes and expose her as a dramatizing wholetrack SP who was secretly sent in by NBA Psychs to destroy the Clippers organization.”

“Finally, the key element of the Miscavige PR plan is to have Sterling immediately turn the Clippers into a religion.”

“Religious status for the Clippers allows Donald Sterling to claim that he is the ecclesiastical leader of a global religion and is being persecuted by haters and bigots — and it gets even better because, by gaining a Scientology-like religious status for the Clippers,” Delusion concluded, “Donald Sterling will be able to immediately cut his payroll by 98%.”

14 responses to “Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Turns to David Miscavige for Crisis PR Management

  1. NBA Psychs – it all makes sense now! Many thanks to those in RTC who worked tirelessly to discover the true WHO and WHY behind this flap.

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    • My thoughts exactly Sci-411! So when we got here to post it and found your comment, we had to come up with something else… 😉

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  2. Research has proven that most sportscasters and sports writers use drugs. Why else would they oppose people getting better?

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  3. Donald Sterling’s rant is proof that GAT II is working so well and expanding so fast that the SoCal den of Psychs were forced to attack the owner of COB’s favorite basketball team with a dead agent package so effective, COB will never again be able to wear his flat brim Clippers hat in public again.

    Be careful NBA psychs or you’ll find yourselves waking up to a giant bowl of frosted flaky GAT II reality washed down by a super power protein shake of theta so powerful you’ll think it’s Big One.

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  4. I would recommend that he get some plastic surgery, so he could become just as handsome as David Miscavige. I think that would make him more likeable.

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  5. It’s about time a 5’3″ giant of a man advised the NBA.

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  6. perfectly said; so funny

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  7. Donald Sterling is on track with some of LRH’s affirmations/admissions: “Material things are yours for the asking. Men are your slaves…”

    “You are rich in wisdom. You are therefore dangerous beyond the claws of tigers. You never need to speak of your dangerousness. Everyone knows you are and it scares them when you mention it. You are kind and soft-spoken always.”

    “What people think of you does not matter. You know you are right. Women especially love you and you fear no man”

    “You will forget all derogatory criticism you have ever received. You cast it out. You know it is only a weapon used on you for other’s gain.”

    “You understand all the workings of the minds of humans around you, for you are a doctor of minds, bodies and influences”

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  8. Is Sterling the reincarnation of LRH?

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  9. “sent in by NBA Psychs to destroy the Clippers organization” It’s well known that Clippers’ opponents have psychs infiltrate their organization and drug them. Usually, this results in poor play by the team, one of the few in North America to go 40 years without a playoff win, but now they have gotten to the owner. Fact–all racist statements are caused by psych drugs, which transport people to an alien universe where all bad people have a different skin color.

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  10. Still on your side

    Sterling has issued a press release stating that, after consultation with David Miscavige, he holds no ill will towards his detractors. Instead, he is looking boldly to the future where he will be managing and owning a new sports team committed to fair gaming.

    In addition, as a result of Miscavige’s inspired briefing, Mr. Sterling is committed to showing his respect for all agents, including dead agents. Therefore, at his own expense, Mr. Sterling has commissioned a Dead Agent Pack for every one of his critics regardless of color, race, national origin, gender or sexual orientation. He is so committed to creating top of the line Dead Agent Packs, he has hired the hundreds of private investigators referred by Miscavige. Under his direction, these investigators will learn everything they can about the future recipients of the Sterling Dead Agent Pack.

    Mr. Sterling had these final words as he closed the door on his NBA life, “Without David Miscavige, men like me would have no future. Because of him, I look forward to years of fair gaming and respect for dead agents. Thank you Mr. Miscavige, if only you had been there for Adolf, Idi, and Benito.

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  11. It’s a good thing that the NBA Psychs were discovered and exposed this soon in the game, another Baseball Holocaust might have ensued.

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  12. Maybe he should start his own league–an all clear league.

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