Church of Scientology to Purchase Los Angeles Clippers as Birthday Gift for David Miscavige

Los_Angeles_Clippers_2010“The Church of Scientology has reached a deal with Donald Sterling to purchase the Los Angeles Clippers as a birthday gift for Church leader David Miscavige,” announced Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“While the purchase price of $850,000,000 will be funded in part by cash from the IAS, we will also be selling off non-performing real estate assets including all of our Ideal Orgs — and believe me no one is happier than Mr. Miscavige to unload the Ideal Orgs in exchange for an NBA franchise in a major city like Los Angeles.”

Donald Sterling appears to be choking on his own words. Mr. Miscavige is happy to be replacing the vulgar and narcissistic Donald Sterling. Mr. Miscavige’s sparkling personality and leadership style will finally give the Clippers organization the championship boost it needs.”

CDM.6“On a final note,” Delusion remarked, “Mr. Miscavige granted Donald Sterling a last-minute concession to close the deal.”

“As of May 1, 2014 the Celebrity Centre International in Hollywood will be owned outright by Donald Sterling.”

“Mr. Sterling can now deal with all the degraded beings, 1.1’s, SP’s, homo saps, robots, ethics bait, and sexual perverts in CCI. Frankly speaking, Mr.  Miscavige is sick and tired of dealing with those kinds of people and the way they post their pictures all over Instagram.”

14 replies »

  1. This will be worth watching next season…just imagine Admiral Miscaviage in his nautical regalia preening in the owner’s box…

    Selling the season ticket package should be interesting too…probably to be based on the successful Ideal Org and Super Power strategy.

    Frightening is the thought of Chris Paul or Blake Griffin failing to meet the weekly stat demands of affluence. Can you say RPF CP3?

    And when Doc Rivers fails to go undefeated, he’ll be fired, leaving COB (like just about everything else) having to coach the team and run the show himself.


    • With COB coaching the team, they can’t lose!!!!!! Do NBA contracts allow COB to send suppressive players to the hole? Will he be required to pay those absurd multimillion dollar salaries instead of a far more sensible $50 a week plus all the rice and beans they can eat?


      • Right, instead of fouling out, they go to the hole. Instead of being benched, they get slapped. And, if they ask to be traded, they are put in solitary confinement for 17 days.

        I can see it now. “The Clippers called timeout so that their entire team could stare at an ashtray”.


  2. For more than 30 years now, COB has dedicated his entire life to working tirelessly and selflessly 24/7/365 to clear this planet and protect and serve all of us. Never once did he contemplate getting anything out of his uber human effort for himself. He just did it because he felt he had to and because he knew, he was The Only One, who was sufficiently competent, intelligent, tolerant, and compassionate to get the job done.

    And how did the world thank him for this endeavour? With nothing but ingratitude and ridicule.

    I can certainly understand it if Mr. Miscavige is sick and tired of dealing with nothing but degraded beings, 1.1´s, SP´s, homo saps, robots, ethics bait, and sexual perverts – and is beginning to feel an overwhelming desire to move on toward greener pastures. Enough is enough!!!


    • Enough is enough? No, it is not. He signed a billion year contract, just like everyone else. I fully expect him to finish digging the grave for his church.


  3. Will the Clippers new mascot be Xenu? Perhaps a smilling reg coming to your house at 2am to sell more nosebleed seats? The ‘chirch’ is so known for their astute marketing.


  4. Great. It will be interesting to see how LRH technology improves the Clippers record. Will ARC help morale, and help them play as a team? Will screaming at ashtrays help them focus? Will purifs help them last longer, instead of tiring in the 4th quarter? Great thing about sports–you have actual stats to compare players with (and no, they don’t just come out on Thursday afternoon).


  5. Here are two different scenarios I could see coming of this:

    COB RTC keeps the team in Los Angeles and they continue to play at The Staples Center. Personal seat licenses and season ticket packages will now be sold according to a percentage of gross personal income rather than at a flat price. You can expect price changes for the remaining seats as well. However, to avoid having to be near PTS wogs and SPs, fans will not be allowed to take their seats during the game. Fans may show up and watch the game on closed circuit TVs from the outer areas of the arena. All access to the seating and to the court itself will be barricaded until the game is over and COB RTC and his guests have made a safe exit.

    Another possibility, though it doesn’t make financial sense and he would have to fight the NBA to do so: He moves the team to Clearwater, FL. The Clearwater Clippers! Great ring to it, right? And this makes perfect sense from a basketball perspective. A smaller market means less distractions for the players and from the media. Plus, how could they ever lose a game when playing so close to the theta-emanating Super Power Building? They wouldn’t even have to practice basketball anymore and could focus all their time studying the tech and moving up The Bridge.


  6. I had thought that there was no one more reprehensible than Donald Sterling who could possibly purchase the Clippers if he was forced to sell. I stand corrected.

    On the plus side, with each of the players being forced to sign a Sea Org contract, the Clippers will no longer have pesky Salary Cap issues or things like that. I look forward to seeing the new Ideal Arena opening in 2758 after the crush regging is completed.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.