Alert! Urgent! Office of Special Affairs Recruiting! Join NOW NOW NOW!

OSA.RecruitingAll hands emergency: The Office of Special Affairs  is on an urgent recruit cycle to bring some new bodies into the most badly overworked area in the Church.”

“We’ve entered an entirely new era in the expansion of Scientology,” said OSA spokesman Ed Amnesia.

“And with this unprecedented  expansion comes the need for people who can drown dogs, frame SP’s for making bomb threats, and operate with a general disregard for the law.”

OSA: Not Everyone Can Handle It!

OSA: Not Everyone Can Cut It!

“If you are sociopathic or otherwise a 1.1, OSA needs you now, now, now! The 48 hours days have gotten to the existing crew and a brave new class of young zealots is needed to bring cold chrome steel Ethics presence into a field full of disaffected and theetie-wheetie publics, failed fundraising campaigns, and a world awash in an increasingly dangerous and unsafe internet.”

“OSA also needs to hire several hundred more wog lawyers, particularly those wog lawyers experienced in fraud defenses, first amendment defenses, and class action defenses. We expect an unprecedented era of expansion in the legal arena as the Psychs go more and more into their death throes.”

“We are clearly winning…. and by winning I mean… we just need more dedicated OSA personnel who can work 48 hour days under the direct command and/or text messages of COB himself or his Communicator. This can get so very intense as to cause one blackouts,” Amnesia emphasized.

“And of course,” Amnesia concluded,  “COB’s biggest ‘want and need’ these days is for some new OSA personnel who can actually eval and handle the internet at the correct orders of magnitude while also juggling legal cases and handling the daily Hill 10 flapping flaps.”

21 responses to “Alert! Urgent! Office of Special Affairs Recruiting! Join NOW NOW NOW!

  1. All hands OSA call to arms? That’s too much theta.

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  2. Class VIII Koolaid drinker

    That are tough qualifications. Obviously, not everybody qualifies. 😦

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  3. Well, well…the only time we had the pleasure of meeting Ed Amnesia was during our grand tour of the downtown LA facilities. As might be expected, we commented on the unique nature of his name, whereupon he informed us of having had it legally changed on assuming his post.

    As one might guess, we took the liberty of asking why. He shot us the famous intense steely glare and deadpanned, “So you can remember to forget you ever met me.”

    Point of fact: we did to the moment of reading this bulletin.

    Trying times lead to changing circumstances it would appear.

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    • Trying times indeed captainwhostolemycog. When will you be reporting to sign your one billion contract to help OSA annihilate the forces of Planetary Suppression?

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      • whostolemycog

        A billion years hardly seems long enough faced with the task at hand. In fact, a billion years for the honor of serving alongside the honorable revolutionary heroes of OSA appears rather panty-waist for the “Ultimate” commitment.

        Therefore, to demonstrate our “Ultimate” resolve, we propose a Trillion year contract as more adequately representing “Ultimate” revolutionary devotion to the achievement of creating a saner planet.

        We even came up with a motto:

        OSA – When a billion years is not enough!!

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  4. Low pay, long hours and your bosses are sociopaths. What could go wrong?

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  5. We at OSA, are engaged in a heroic recruitment drive. We are looking for tough son of bitches, real cold chrome steel fanatics, who will tackle the forces of evil in this sector of the galaxy.Join NOW !!

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  6. Recruit Officer of the Very Special Affairs Group Officer

    I have what it takes to be OSA. I have spent the greater part of the day surveilling this blog in order to demonstrate my skills. Here are the profiles of everyone who has ever posted on this website:

    Class VIII Koolaid drinker – GPCICS. Giant Pitcher of Counter-Intentioned Corn Syrup. If you have dry wall, he will destroy it. Beware: SP.

    whostolemycog – Mechanical engineer. Proceed with caution. This is one paranoid SP. Wholestolemycog seems to believe that someone here has obtained one of their missing (stolen) cogs for a machine they are building. The machine is definitely some sort of entheta-dispensing machine, most likely a ferris wheel made of pure entheta. Beware.

    Conan – Proceed with caution: This guy is either a talk show host or a barbarian with a big ass sword. In either case, beware: dangerous SP.

    DodoTheLaser – This guy was a bird that was once believed to be extinct. But he is not extinct and, due to NWO experimentation, he is now a highly classified weapon with a fricken laser beam and other various features. Beware: very dangerous SP.

    OTVIIIisgrrr8 – I can’t seem to pronounce this one’s name properly and now Siri isn’t even trying to help, she’s just laughing at me. I’ll look into this later. Beware for now.

    Scientology411 – This is probably the operator that picks up when you call the Scientology hotline. I don’t know, that’s my best guess. I would say they are the only non-SP here, but non-SPs are always just SPs in disguise. Beware.

    Let me know when I can start and waht is my pay grade?

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    • Congratulations ROVSAGO. You are now in OSA for one billion years. Grab a bunk. Smoke ’em if you got ’em. You begin immediately right now with the rank of Swamper and the pay grade of whatever we can afford to pay you in a given week.

      Your first assignment as our newest OSA recruit is to eval and handle the internet.

      Please report back to COB by this Thursday at 2:00 PM that you have fully evaled and handled the internet.

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  7. I have said it before: The Nazi are “reincarnated” as the Cult of Scio !!! They do believe in reincarnation….One proof is the prejudice L R Hate showed towards the Jewish faith in his Minister’s Hand Book, etc.

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  8. Please provide the LRH reference for drowning dogs. Also, if there is anyone you can refer me to that has experience in this I would love to talk to them,

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  9. I will join if it’s… I mean.. I’m not gonna kill any pets or spy on and frame anyone for heinous crimes… That’s crazy. But, if there’s just like a chill office position where I can come in around 9:30 or 10, put on a pot of coffee, water the plants, shuffle some paper, spreadsheet it up on the windows box, etc etc. Just get my work on with some regular office tasks, ya know? I’m definitely cool with that. Can I do that? Let me know. That would be great.

    But I will need all of May and most of June off, so please let me know about your vacation time policies and what not. Thanks much bros.

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  10. Why isn’t the number 2 Big Being on the planet Tom Cruise doing more to destroy the enemies of Scientology? He doesn’t even mention his Church in interviews anymore. What are his crimes?!!!!!!

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  11. It’s nice to know that the Mafia can now place help wanted ads without fear. After seeing this ad, it’s obvious that the Government turns a blind eye to any kind of thuggery as long as their recruitment poster is slick. Phew, had me worried for a minute.

    Like

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