Tag Archives: lawyers

The Church of Scientology is Looking for More Lawyers

Wog Lawyers

COB learns the hard way that wog lawyers only love him so long as the checks keep rolling in:

 

Alert! Urgent! Office of Special Affairs Recruiting! Join NOW NOW NOW!

OSA.RecruitingAll hands emergency: The Office of Special Affairs  is on an urgent recruit cycle to bring some new bodies into the most badly overworked area in the Church.”

“We’ve entered an entirely new era in the expansion of Scientology,” said OSA spokesman Ed Amnesia.

“And with this unprecedented  expansion comes the need for people who can drown dogs, frame SP’s for making bomb threats, and operate with a general disregard for the law.”

OSA: Not Everyone Can Handle It!

OSA: Not Everyone Can Cut It!

“If you are sociopathic or otherwise a 1.1, OSA needs you now, now, now! The 48 hours days have gotten to the existing crew and a brave new class of young zealots is needed to bring cold chrome steel Ethics presence into a field full of disaffected and theetie-wheetie publics, failed fundraising campaigns, and a world awash in an increasingly dangerous and unsafe internet.”

“OSA also needs to hire several hundred more wog lawyers, particularly those wog lawyers experienced in fraud defenses, first amendment defenses, and class action defenses. We expect an unprecedented era of expansion in the legal arena as the Psychs go more and more into their death throes.”

“We are clearly winning…. and by winning I mean… we just need more dedicated OSA personnel who can work 48 hour days under the direct command and/or text messages of COB himself or his Communicator. This can get so very intense as to cause one blackouts,” Amnesia emphasized.

“And of course,” Amnesia concluded,  “COB’s biggest ‘want and need’ these days is for some new OSA personnel who can actually eval and handle the internet at the correct orders of magnitude while also juggling legal cases and handling the daily Hill 10 flapping flaps.”

Church of Scientology Attorney E. Stuart Mills – New Commercial and Client Questionairre

Weaphuckum & Howe LLP
A Legal Corporation
E. Stuart Mills, Esq.
Senior Partner

Dear Cult Applicant,

Weaphuckum & Howe LLP specializes in helping Cults and Cult Members use all possible legal means to attack and destroy their enemies.

Please fill out this questionnaire about you and your religious group so that we can better understand your needs.

1. I want to attack and destroy the following, please check all that apply:

A. One person
B. More than one person
C. Unseen entities
D. A group
E. Haters
F. Bitter Defrocked Apostates
G. Gays
H. Local city officials
I. The entire government of my nation
J. A splinter or schismatic group
K. A competing religious group or groups
L. Hate websites that blaspheme and mock my religious views
M. The entire Internet
N. Modern Life
O. Western Civilization
P. Civilization itself
Q. This planet
R. Another planet
S. The solar system
T. A sector of this galaxy
U. This entire universe
V. Other universes
W. God
X. Satan

2. My annual budget to attack and destroy my enemy, or enemies, is:

A. $1,000,000 per year (This is a Weephuckum & Howe LLP client minimum)
B. $5,000,0000 per year
C. $10,000,000 per year
D. $11,000,000 – $50,000,000 per year
E. $51,000,000 – $100,000,000 per year
F. Unlimited, money is no object

3. My tax exempt religious status is:

A. Bulletproof
B. Is presently being investigated by the authorities
C. We just lost it and need it back

4. Our religious leader is:

A. The most important ecclesiastical leader on the Planet
B. A strutting vainglorious, greedy, and brutal narcissist
C. Insane
D. Has good hair and can read a teleprompter as needed
E. Is long-winded and gives dozens of speeches each year that last 3-5 hours each
F. Thinks he is God or God’s exclusive agent on Earth
G. Has one wife
H. Has many wives
I. Has locked away his wife or wives
J. Has outstanding criminal warrants
K. Is on the run from the law
L. Is presently being investigated by law enforcement and/or government agencies
M. Is imprisoned but can still lead the movement from inside prison
N. Is imprisoned in solitary and is of no use to us
O. Is dead but our followers think he is alive and in seclusion
P. Has been kidnapped by our enemies
Q. Is dead and has a large memorial site that our followers visit regulalry
R. Is dead and missing and no one knows what happened
S. Is a dead martyr who was killed by the CIA, Interpol, SMERSH, etc. because he had the truth they wanted to hide
T. Is dead but our followers believe he will rise from the dead any day now

5. Our followers are:

A. Fanatical and will do anything required of them, and we mean anything
B. Docile sheep who will obediently do anything we order them to do
C. Lost in a self-indicting fog of delusion
D. Continually engaged in magical thinking
E. Indoctrinated in, and comfortable with, the thought-stopping, mind control, and hypnotic techniques we use on them
F. Largely criminal
G. Hopeless and in despair and given to bursting into tears
H. Bankrupt
I. All of the above

Our clergy is:

A. Captive and live in berthing, dormitories, monasteries, or other types of religious prisons
B. Hyper-aggressive in gouging every last penny from our members
C. Dazed and confused
D. Terrifying
E. Composed of mostly manipulative criminals
F. All of the above

Our PR is:

A. A complete lie that only our deluded followers will believe
B. Partially true but mostly full of lies, false statistics, and grossly exaggerated claims that we are the fastest growing religion in the world
C. Depressing
D. A reaction to all of the attacks on us on the internet
E. Professionally written and produced by an outside firm as we have no staff who can read or write coherently

Please get back to us soonest with the questionnaire after which we will formulate a reply and outline potential strategies that fit your exact requirements.

Note: Please be sure to include $50,000 in cash with your reply to pay our fee for this initial consultation.

Regards,

E. Stuart Mills, Esq.