Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige today issued a special RTC proclamation awarding Grand Theft Auto 5 a rating of five stars.
“GTA 5 is just monster, everything I’d hoped for and more,” enthused the Scientology ecclesiastical boss after 28 straight hours of chain-smoking game play in the Presidential Suite of the Fort Harrison.
“I can so absolutely relate to the characters, especially Trevor Phillips, “Miscavige said as he knocked back four fingers of Macallan scotch and fired up another Marlboro. “This is the real way to handle SP’s! None of this ‘law and order’ bullshit like that wog courtroom in Texas!”
“With GTA 5 it’s just POW! SP’s handled!” Miscavige declared.
“Wish I had some new product like GTA 5 that would bring me $800 million large in a single day,” Captain Miscavige lamented. “All I have to release right now is some repackaged… God, I don’t even want to think about it…just cancelled that event in the tent so I can play GTA 5 through to the end. If the parishioners don’t like it they can have an RTC dildo! Lou! Bring me another pack of Marlboro’s and some more scotch!”