Scientology Leader David Miscavige Gives GTA 5 Five Stars!

Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige today issued a special RTC proclamation awarding Grand Theft Auto 5 a rating of five stars.

GTA 5 is just monster, everything I’d hoped for and more,” enthused the Scientology ecclesiastical boss after 28 straight hours of chain-smoking game play in the Presidential Suite of the Fort Harrison.

“I can so absolutely relate to the characters, especially Trevor Phillips, “Miscavige said as he knocked back four fingers of Macallan scotch and fired up another Marlboro. “This is the real way to handle SP’s! None of this ‘law and order’ bullshit like that wog courtroom in Texas!”

“With GTA 5 it’s just POW! SP’s handled!Miscavige declared.

“Wish I had some new product like GTA 5 that would bring me $800 million large in a single day,” Captain Miscavige lamented. “All I have to release right now is some repackaged… God, I don’t even want to think about it…just cancelled that event in the tent so I can play GTA 5 through to the end. If the parishioners don’t like it they can have an RTC dildo! Lou! Bring me another pack of Marlboro’s and some more scotch!”

ashtray

7 responses to “Scientology Leader David Miscavige Gives GTA 5 Five Stars!

  1. GTA5 is indeed a theta fest of immense proportions for those desiring a realistic immersion into a world of bloody carnage. The game play imbues users with super powers for a mere $60 and provides an addictive fantasy world in which to utilize those powers putting ethics in on the entire SP populace.

    It is perfectly understandable COB would forgo October 6 in order to fully engage in this blood thirsty Grand Theft moment where he doesn’t have to depend on his out ethics SP staff to make things go right. Perhaps you would like to share with COB a huge cog I had on the critical piece of raising $800 million. VOLUME – 12 million copies sold in one day at $60 or so, evidence of a remarkably fair exchange that required no regging.

    COB may wish to consider a modification to the new Mark VIII e-meters allowing them to be refitted with an adapter to connect to the Xbox and PS IV, allowing the game controllers to register an F/N from the virtual experience of correct SP handling by putting ethics in.

    On a bigger scale, we could pursue a “KSW” game series developers featuring none other than TC on the game cover. The series could provide straight up and vertical expansion. Want to fill the Ideal Orgs? Use them as gaming parlors for the KSW series.

    We need to start cogging outside the box!!

    I’ve gotta run down to the carry out and pick up a couple of cartons of Marlboros, a case of scotch, and then swing by Taco Bell in case COB takes a break to consult the Leather Bound Basics. You need anything?

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  2. Captain Whostolemycog, your genius knows no bounds. When COB takes his well-deserved long vacation to a non-extradition country, you are on RTC’s short list of replacement COB’s.

    We in RTC applaud your idea of fusing Scientology auditing into a video game format. The possibilities here are mind-numbing. Imagine a segment where one gets to locate and destroy all implants stations on Mars!

    Imagine this blockbuster video game release: Target Two.

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  3. To make matters worse for COB, this new “Tech” has sold millions and millions of dollars and the video for it has gone viral! How can a Church hope to compete?

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    • Exactly!! Who doesn’t want to leave the bathroom in a State of Clear?

      A marketing tie in to allow the sale of Sci-Poo-Pourri would allow PC’s up to OT’s all to attest to the State of Clear in their own personal space. We could try it out on COB, although maybe not since his poop isn’t supposed to stink. But if it can overpower the aroma of a big being like COB or Grant Cardone, it should be more than sufficient for mere mortals.

      Either way, I think we can sell it to the folks.

      Get your bathroom to Attest to a State of Clear!!

      I really like the cogging outside the box.

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  4. I heard sales for GTA were over 1 billion.

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  5. I thought this site was devoted to satire, but I am pleased to see you making a foray into investigative journalism. Bravo!

    Like

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