Last year COB RTC David Miscavige quietly implemented a strategic new revenue strategy for the Church of Scientology that takes full advantage of the Church’s prime real estate locations.
COB’s vision was realized today when the first Ideal Org Gas Station was opened amid great fanfare on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood.
“The parking lot at L.A. Day was empty most of the time, so COB ordered it re-purposed and converted to Ideal Org Gas Station #1, ” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Likewise, the lobby was always empty so COB had it changed into a mini mart that sells snacks, cigarettes, lottery tickets, colas, and even premium Starbucks coffees and cold drinks.”
“This not being the best part of Hollywood,” Delusion added, “we are filing for a beer and wine permit so we can boom the GI for this Ideal Org Gas Station.
“And our plans include getting WiFi never,” Delusion chuckled.
Local wog resident Budd Herman commented that, “this new filling station will provide us locals with a much-needed gas station. As it is now, you gotta drive all the way down to Vermont or up to Western to get gas or cigarettes so this does save time.”
When asked if he had used Church facilities before the new gas station, Mr. Herman flatly stated, “No, never.” We in the Church of Scientology hope to change that real soon and invite Mr. Herman and all local residents to drop into the Org the next time they stop by to fill up.
“An Ideal Org Gas Station will soon be open near you,” COB declared in a press release, “and I expect all Scientologists in good standing to patronize these stations and not give their money to filthy wog gas stations, mini marts, and downstat wog Starbucks. Come in today to fill up and be sure to put an IAS donation on your ATM card!”
Scientology works, and it helps people.
How will you keep the Sea Borg from stealing all of the cigarettes and beer? Sec-checking cashiers?
This is a perfect example of COB’s genius shining through the muck created by his downstat SP staff. They deal him lemons on a daily basis, but COB puts his thinking cap on and makes lemonade, then opens a lemonade stand and sells it at a tidy profit.
By chance, do we have a picture of COB with his thinking cap on?
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Thank you whostolemycog.
It is quite true that COB has to handle all of the many problems created by his incompetent staff.
For example. the large sinkhole that suddenly appeared yesterday inside of Bridge Publications has caused a serious interruption in producing the 100,000,000 pieces of Scientology materials that are needed each day to meet the global demand.
COB has to now step in and handle this problem because no one else can.
With the NOI to take care of shoplifters and drive offs, you will have a prosperous business. How many workers will the manager, Apu, have? And will you have clean restrooms with actual toilet paper?
Why do Scientologists need a gas station? I thought that you could move objects like cars with your mind.
Well since LRH said smoking cures cancer they need somewhere convenient to buy their cigarettes silly.
So tell us about the gas credit card offer. I would love to have a credit card in my wallet from the most ethical people on the planet. I might suggest Jenna Elfman as your spokesperson.
And just think of the prestige of whipping out your Scientology gold gas card (adorned with COB’s shining visage) at the next IAS briefing to pay for your Platinum Moronstrosity IAS status!
The Ideal Org gas credit card offers points good towards the purchase of an e-meter, Basics, IAS memberships, TWTH booklets, indulgences, or hundreds of other Church products!
I assume the bathrooms will be licked clean by RPFers. And I think Kirstie would be good for the spokesperson since she probably won’t be shilling for Narconon for awhile.
I’ve heard that in keeping with everything “ideal” there are no staff at the facility – but some very nifty flat screen panels enlightening one and all of the virtues of Ideal Gas – brilliant vision for expansion. Well done, COB!
Martin, we in RTC only hire wog staff for our Ideal Org gas stations because flat panels can’t tell customers where the beef jerky, condoms, energy drinks, etc. are located.
If we hired Sea Org members we would suddenly be missing cigarettes, food, energy drinks, candy, beer, toilet paper, and everything else. This happens at Flag and all of the Orgs when no one gets paid, and Sea Org not getting paid happens all the time in the Church as the money is needed to fight Psychiatry, Germany, blasphemy, and so many other things that end in y.
Moreover, actual research has shown that uniform pants theft at Flag has skyrocketed in recent years resulting in an epidemic of pantsless Sea Org members. Please donate today to the Emergency Flag Pants Fund today!
And it is true what BDA Mike Laws said on FB: Scientologists can only purchase gas at Ideal Org gas stations. They must pay $50 per gallon, but they do get the 20% IAS discount Mike mentioned.
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