David Miscavige Personally Inspects Dirty Restrooms — Part 2


COB RTC David Miscavige has five main Sea Org bodyguards, all hulking brutes. Their names are Vance, Tony, John, Andrew, and Captain Howdy. The thing about COB’s bodyguards is that their collective IQ, as measured by the Oxford Capacity Analysis, is only 83 with John being the smartest of the five. Moreover, each of these five brutes must consume at least 15,000 calories per day  in order to pay attention. Nevertheless, when properly fed and audited, COB’s bodyguards look very menacing when dressed in black suits and black glasses.

COB so totally controls his environment that his bodyguards have never actually had to do anything except to open doors for COB or carry his hand made $75,000 Italian leather briefcase that holds his three RTC burlwood pens and a file full of secret codes that would be needed if COB ever had to, say, flee and go into hiding because the Psychs won the cosmic battle and sought to arrest COB in order to end Scientology as we know it.


Going back to the earliest event on the chain, COB had read a KR informing him of how dirty the bathrooms were at the Complex. Indeed, the KR presented data showing that the Complex itself was filthy and had serious maintenance problems of long duration.

So it was that when when COB and his bodyguards and entourage walked into the small dirty man’s restroom in the Los Angeles Ideal Org, a series of events transpired in just three seconds that led to COB’s disappearance.


As COB walked into the offending Church of Scientology restroom, his  eyes and nose were stung by the harsh stench of ammonia emanating from a chronically unflushed urinal.

COB began to scream and flail, his eyes scarred by having risked a glimpse into the urinal. COB’s entire entourage, all eyes, were stuck on the offending urinal. One question was in all minds: How could this gross “Out PR” situation of an unflushed urinal be allowed to exist in any Church of Scientology, let alone the Los Angeles Ideal Org?

The engrams bit COB as he began to go into a Type IIIish fit of hysteria. COB was lashing out at everyone and everything in that way he does when he gets like this!

Acting to protect COB, his bodyguard Vance — who is 6′ 8″ tall — bent down to pick up COB and carry him away from this very dangerous scene.

Vance grabbed COB by the waist and jerked him headfirst towards the very low ceiling. Unfortunately, the grate in an overhead air vent had been left open and this is where the real problem began.

Without realizing it, Vance lifted COB so fast and hard that he inadvertently  slammed the Scientology leader “straight up and vertical” into the open ceiling air duct. Worse, the air ducts in the Complex had been long chocked with blue fiberglass. This clogged air ducts had never been cleaned as it would have required the spending of money that was badly needed elsewhere for Planetary Clearing.


Propelled upward by his mindless Sea Org bodyguard Vance, COB’s head was driven straight into an open air duct clogged with fiberglass. Suddenly COB felt himself trapped and wedged into a choking darkness. He was screaming but no one could hear him as the blue fiberglass provided excellent sound insulating properties.

In order to somehow escape, COB began to kick and claw at the fiberglass with his gopher-like hands and feet. As COB was struggling in the air duct, one of  his bulky elevator shoes grabbed the edge of the open air grate causing it to slam shut whereupon a small avalanche of fiberglass filled the vertical shaft.

The fiberglass avanlanche allowed COB to get his footing, however briefly, and pull himself up out of the vertical air duct in which he was trapped. He hoisted himself into the main horizontal air duct.

The duct out of which COB had crawled was now fully sealed shut with blue fiberglass. There was no going back; COB would need to find some other way out of the trap.


Forced onto his hands and knees in the cramped horizontal air duct, COB kept screaming for some time that he was in the air duct above the ceiling. Nevertheless, and more to the point, no one could hear him screaming — particularly given all of the screaming and fist-fighting taking place in the small restroom below.

Bodyguard Vance had felt COB break away from his grasp and thought that Andrew had taken COB. Andrew thought John had COB. John thought Tony had COB. Tony thought Captain Howdy had COB.

None of COB’s bodyguards actually looked; they just robotically dubbed in that one of the other bodyguards must have had COB. And so that is why all of the bodyguards joined in the general mayhem and enturbulation and soon forgot about COB. This was clearly a case of “hats not wearing” for their first duty was to guard COB and not to pummel other Scientologists — as they were doing now with great gusto!


COB RTC David Miscavige realized that he was trapped in a fiberglass-choked air duct in the Complex. Although he had many times refused to approve the $1.2 million dollar cost to have wog professionals safely remove all the fiberglass from the ducts, it was still the fault of others that COB was now trapped.

Everything had happened so suddenly that we wondered if it were part of a CIA operation to get him.

He reached for his cell phone, but then remembered that he had given it to his Communicator in 1994. COB did not like to carry cell phones as this would require that he actually talk to people. That was ridiculous! COB had a Communicator and Messengers and that is how he communicated with others.


COB needed to make it go right if he were to escape. Seeing daylight through  a grate about about seventy feet ahead, COB cogged on the stable datum that the way out is the way through.

Whereupon, COB began clawing at the suppressive blue fiberglass with his leathery reptilian hands. These same hands had also gouged the last penny out of OT’s, beaten unruly Sea Org members, and yes, had taken great pleasure in flipping through the pages of Tom Cruise’s confessional folders countless times while sipping scotch late at night.


After about twenty feet of furious digging, the sharp fiberglass began to cause COB’s hands to chap and bleed. COB still had about fifty feet to go. He was getting hot and thirsty due to his furious exertions.

COB stopped and devised a plan.

To cool himself down, he pulled off his hand-made $10o,000 mink coat and removed his elevator shoes. Inside of each of his elevator shoes were secret compartments. COB opened the compartments and inspected their contents.

While there were no implements that could be used for digging or tunneling, the secret compartments contained ten $100 bills, $1.00 in loose change, five condoms, one pack of Marlboro cigarettes, a disposable cigarette lighter, a can of chewing tobacco and a storage compartment that held eight ounces of his favorite twenty year old scotch.


Before proceeding further, COB decided to take a cigarette break and drink some scotch. He lit up a cigarette but then realized that was a bad idea when the small air duct filled up with chocking cigarette smoke. COB quickly extinguished his cigarette in the fireproof fiberglass.

COB’s meat body was sweating profusely even as it craved nicotine and alcohol. The Scientology leader quickly unscrewed the heel plate of his left shoe to access the small thermos of scotch that had been built into the shoe by his German shoe specialists.

COB drank 1/2 of his scotch reserve, but then he remmembered he had a full liter of scotch in a stainless steel flask in his mink jacket.

Checking that, yes, he the liter of scotch was in his jacket flask, COB downed the remaining scotch in his left shoe. He scooped some chewing tobacco into his mouth and sucked on it for awhile to get the nicotine his body craved.

It was a good thing, COB thought, that Ken Delusion had enough sense to include a can of chewing tobacco in COB’s emergency shoe storage. COB had always liked Delusion for being so practical.

Feeling suddenly warm and cozy, COB used his mink jacket as a pillow and quietly laid down in the now comfortably warm air vent. COB almost instantly fell into a deep sleep, this just as the brutal fifteen minute war in the bathroom some  twenty feet away from him was ending.

7 replies »

  1. Awww. That’s such a precious picture; little David snuggled up on his mink, swaddled in asbestos the same shade of blue as his eyes, all liquored up and snoozing! It’s probably the first real rest he’s had in weeks. Maybe that will help him dial down the crazy.

    But what about his asthma, OTVIII? All those asbestos fibers must be terrible for his breathing! Tell David I hope he is OK and breathing freely. The CV had asthma as a kid, but I treated it with not-scientology, so I got better. Still, I can sympathize. David must have been so itchy and wheezy when you in RTC found him — not to mention hung over!


  2. Wow, COB as an action hero. This opens up so many exciting possibilities, the mind reels.

    It’s clear that you’ve got a potential sequel to “Battlefield Earth” here. Yeah, OK, so the Washington Post called Battlefield Earth “Ishtar of the Apes,“ the NY Daily News called it “Travolta’s Star Dreck,” and many other critics called it the worst movie ever made. But now here’s a chance for a do-over! Throw in a few Psychlos, and John Travolta could reprise his role as Terl. (I’m assuming that the matted hair extensions and codpiece are still available in a warehouse somewhere.) COB’s dimwitted bodyguards are already halfway there, Psycho-wise, in any case. Tom Cruise could play COB, if his schedule permits. If TC is unavailable, I’ll bet Liam Neeson would jump at the chance for this role of a lifetime. Or you could try a different direction, if you wanted actors of comparable stature, and go for Peter Dinklage or Billy Barty, if he were still alive. Not sure who would play the mink coat. Maybe that dude who played Chewbacca on Star Wars.


  3. Ahh, you’ve done the crawling around the air ducts that so many adventure shows do. Maybe you could give COB one of those guns that never needs reloading or better yet, the bottomless scotch flask. The bottomless scotch flask is best accessory ever. Too bad the urinal didn’t any of those breath freshening cakes in it, I am told they are yummy.


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