Church of Scientology to Acquire Smaller Religions in Cult Consolidation

“If you want to really grow a business the fastest way is to buy other businesses,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion during a press conference today at the Scientology One News Bureaux in Hollywood.

“As the same is true of religions, COB RTC David Miscavige has announced a bold new plan to purchase smaller cults, sects, and religions in order to grow the Scientology religion with lightning speed.

“After all,” Delusion noted, “the Church of Scientology has millions of square feet of empty Ideal Orgs that certainly aren’t going to fill themselves with people! The Ideal Orgs are like ghost towns and we need billions of bodies in the shop if this Church is to ever make a profit,” Delusion stated.

LA Foundation is as empty as empty gets!

LA Foundation is as empty as empty gets!

“And this is not even counting the Super Power building which has five miles of carpet!,” Delusion animatedly exclaimed while glaring at the audience with a hard and fixed OT stare.

“Surveys have found that the Church’s existing Sea Org and OT’s cannot confront five miles of carpet, let alone millions of square feet of Ideal Orgs, or two of the world’s largest all-digital on demand printing centers that can pump out fifty-eight million books per day and so, “Delusion breathlessly noted, “COB has to, as usual, do all of the work himself.

“COB has to expand the Church of Scientology all by himself by purchasing smaller sects, cults, and religions, this because the Sea Org and OT’s have no reality on Planetary Salvage! They are stuck in the glee of insanity due to reading all of the entheta on the internet. Why just look at these idiots:

Ken Delusion sighed, for he knew that he too had failed COB by secretly reading all of the entheta on the internet.

He looked tired, even haggard, but Delusion nevertheless pressed on in his thankless work as the Church of Scientology’s international spokesman for he understood that all Scientology PR had forever rested upon his sturdy shoulders.

“Needless to say, and of course it goes without saying, COB is making the Sea Org and the existing OT’s completely wrong by his purchasing other religions, but these people are just not doing what it takes to get one thousand miles of people in shoes lined up to take services on all of that new carpeting, hardwood floors, granite tile, and all of the other tasteful high-performance flooring which COB so carefully thought through and specified all by himself.

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“Moreover, as a statement of his prior accomplishments in this matter of acquisitions, COB wishes to make it clear that this program of purchasing smaller religions has already been fully piloted with the acquisition of the Nation of Islam. We also add by way of adding that COB earlier acquired the Cult Awareness Network (CAN) as part of a savvy acquisition that ended fully 87% of the attacks that were being made on the Church of Scientology in that period of time.

“COB is shopping for small religions, sects, and cults that are in the same price range as buildings purchased to become future Ideal Orgs, which is to say in the $5,000,000 price range. Ideally, such groups will have 1,000 – 5,000 members who can be readily indoc’d and radicalized into ‘Gung Ho’ Scientologists ready to shatter suppression and destroy Psychiatry while going up the Bridge to Total Freedom.

“Scientology is basically looking for small groups of angry religious people who are looking for a fight with the world in order to make themselves right,” Delusion noted. “The bombastic and antisocial type of person and group will fit very nicely into the Church of Scientology; the more judgmental the better.”

COB

“And, perhaps COB can even leverage the Catholic Church if all of those lawsuits go against Rome,” Delusion speculated.

“In order to summarize by way of concluding, if you are an authorized religious leader open to selling your group to the Church of Scientology please contact us discretely by posting on this blog.

“COB’s target acquisition list includes, but is not limited to the following types of groups:

Small Bible Socities
Bahá’í groups
Christian survivalist groups
Druze
Gnosticism
Mandaeans and Sabians
Shabakism
New Ager’s
UFO cultists
End-of-the-World groups

Ayyavazhi
Bhakti groups
New thought Buddhists
Din-i-Ilahi
Neo-Hindus
Bitter Defrocked Jainist Apostates
Meivazhi, declared SP’s preffered
Sikhs who speak English

Manichaeists
Mazdakites
Mithraism groups
Crystal ball gazers

Cargo cults
Neopagans, no dykes
Left-hand path religions
Fictional religions
Star Trek groups

16 responses to “Church of Scientology to Acquire Smaller Religions in Cult Consolidation

  1. Conspicuously absent from that list are Native American tribes. If memory
    serves me correctly, the purchase price can be quite reasonable. Given today’s exchange rates and adjusted for inflation, a few I-Pods and Birkin bags might substitute for beads and blankets. With LRH being a Blackfoot blood brother and all, it could be a done deal in short time. After all, it was LRH who taught the Indians the importance of the sauna, which they turned into the sweat lodge. Native Americans can bring in tons of money with their casino operations and with 85% unemployment on many reservations, $50 a week Sea Org pay looks pretty sweet. Once their on board, Ideal Orgs become Ideal Casinos and before you know it, it’s come for the all you can eat rice and beans buffet, stay for the tech. Just show the wogs to the nickle slots at the Hard Rockslammer Cafe and let the money roll in. I can see Beck, Chill EB and Juliette Lewis headlining. In fact, Ms. Lewis could be the next Celine Dion and all Scientology celebrities will have full-time employment. Just a suggestion.

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    • @ivanmapother: We like how you think mister! Sign on the dotted line for a billion years and you can be the RTC coordinator on your plan. Standard 10-15% commissions apply. You will come aboard as a Sea Org Captain. You even get your own place in the lower villas.

      COB liked the Hard Rockslammer Cafe idea for a casino — but only so long as it looks like the movie Casino, one of his personal favorites. COB likes this scene posted below and would like to handle Scientology haters this way. However, his wog lawyers have said he needs to refrain from doing this sort of thing until this mudball becomes a Scientology planet:

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  2. We in Global Capitalism HQ love a good industry-wide consolidation strategy to roll up all the weak players in an industry, give them great cost savings in terms of centralized purchasing and administration, and then jacking up prices to stratospheric levels. We have made scads of money on these ventures in waste management (where prices actually went down because large publicly traded companies squeezed out small mob-run companies in many cases), in funeral homes and veterinary hospitals. We particularly hope that you will use a large reputable investment bank (since we own all of them) to help with these mergers and acquisitions.

    We also have real estate subsidiaries to “unlock hidden value” in the real estate holdings of all the religions you buy; their commissions are highly competitive.

    But one small detail puzzles us: generally, when you acquire a company, you want the company you acquire to have some sort of “special sauce” that they can bring to the game to improve the operating results of the parent company. That’s either a location where you’re not doing business currently (if they do the same thing as you do) or that they have intellectual property that you could use (patents, trademarks, ways of doing something).

    But given that your Founder’s legendary “KSW” memo is all about hammering any beliefs out of existence that aren’t his own, it is unlikely that you will integrate interesting ideas and beliefs from any of the faiths you acquire into your own. And given all the money you have stashed away, it’s unlikely that any of your acquisitions will have any hidden financial assets that would boost your bottom line.

    And none of these religions are likely to sell themselves cheaply — I am sure that they all, like you, think that some brilliant idea will occur to them tomorrow that will lead to a wave of never-before-seen “straight up and vertical expansion.” So they’ll all fancy themselves to be worth a lot more than they actually are. You’ll be throwing money away if you chase their inflated valuations. And if you were a publicly traded stock, we would short your shares to zero for doing that. We think it would be a lot more successful for you to do “outreach” of the sort you have done with Mr. Farrakhan and his minions at the Nation of Islam.

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    • As always, we in RTC appreciate Global Capitalism’s “big picture” of the existing scene. Although it may not seem like it, we always read, study, and M9 word clear GC HQ’s analysis of Scientology’s flaws.

      GC HQ has made a point about KSW and suggested that this locks COB RTC David Miscavige, or even the Church of Scientology itself, into some sort of handcuffs.

      Please excuse us if this comes across as disrespect; it is not. But we in RTC completely line charged* for about an hour when we read this. We line charged so hard that it hurt or sides.

      (* Line charging = extreme uncontrollable laughter, a VGI which often occurs in session after a big cog or win)

      Seriously, though, KSW only applies when we in RTC need and want it to apply. We in RTC could actually care less about KSW. That we posted the “Glee of Insanity” video of the Montreal Ideal Org fundraiser proves our point.

      Those Scientologists in Montreal are completely “Out KSW” and in fact look like a bunch of hysterical foaming-at-the-mouth Pentecostals at an Easter sunrise service. All that is missing are the rattlesnakes. But do we in RTC care? No. So long as the money keeps flowing uplines to us we don’t care if Scientologists run around dressed like Jedi knights or anything else.

      Scientology can incorporate, at its sole discretion, elements from other religions. All we need to is to call these elements a new “rundown”, “remedy”, or even slot such elements into the Super Power Rundown. We need “57 perceptics” in Super Power and so we have some room here to import other practices into Scientology here and also in the unreleased OTIX – OTXV levels.

      COB RTC David Miscavige is fully capable of importing and monetizing other practices, and this while claiming them as his own breakthrough or a recovery of “Lost Tech.”

      Scientology publics do this to a lesser extent when they shamelessly rip off Star Trek, etc.

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  3. Keep away from Mithraism, they sacrifice bulls without doing a nice Texas bar-be-que.

    Putting cargo cultists and UFO dudes together just brings you cannibal trouble. It is nice to see someone inviting the wearers of penis gourds anywhere. Once they see the UFO dudes in there silver suits, they think, ‘hey, they are already wrapped in aluminum foil, lets get the fire started’.

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    • “Putting cargo cultists and UFO dudes together just brings you cannibal trouble. It is nice to see someone inviting the wearers of penis gourds anywhere. Once they see the UFO dudes in there silver suits, they think, ‘hey, they are already wrapped in aluminum foil, lets get the fire started’.”

      zemooo: Sometimes you sound eerily like the Founder.

      Is there something you’re not telling us?

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      • I never had red hair and never served in the navy. Though I do like navy beans. And bar-be-que, I love a good slab of meat that has a good rub and sauce. Yum, yum.

        I just think that penis gourds are the next fashion statement. I can see it now, Joan Rivers is working the red carpet at the next blockbuster and up comes Gerald Butler…..” Gerald, whose penis gourd are you wearing?”

        I bet acorn squash would out fit Tom Cruise.

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    • From Wikipedia:
      “a characteristic feature of cargo cults is the belief that spiritual agents will, at some future time, give much valuable cargo and desirable manufactured products to the cult members.”

      I don’t know, it sounds like a good match to me. Avarice is avarice…

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  4. Ken Delusion is clearly off the rails here. Reading Internet entheta and openly discussing empty orgs? Expressing the intention to co-opt wog religions to fill those orgs? Good god, OTVIII!

    I’ve gotta warn you, those Star Trek nerds can be real sticklers for detail. Prepare to answer for any and every “continuity error” in the whole of the “tech”. Those nerds never let up.

    As for fictional religions, I hope you don’t mean the Church of the SubGenius. The SubGenius must have Slack, praise “Bob”! Scientology offers no such thing. It is a pink religion, through and through. Even if you could somehow win over, or buy off, the SubGenii, don’t forget what happened to “Bob” himself. Is that what COB wants as his fate?

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  5. I can just see the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard sailing the high seas (where he will be free from governments seeking unpaid property taxes from the orgs) and joining a cargo cult.

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  6. WhoStolemyCog?

    Expanding on GC HQ’s comments (and in so doing risking a lengthy stay in RPF), the trend in developed countries seems to be an ever growing number of atheist/agnostics, which may be an unitended consequence of the ever growing number of OT’s exteriorizing their TRUTH. Couldn’t RTC try reaching out to these folks who have unconsciously intuited (at least a portion of) the R6 implant? You have the ability (and the TECH) to PROVE they were right!! Perhaps we could shorten the bridge for them. Cost down, demand up, Ideal Orgs filled. Whatever it takes to KSW, right?

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    • What are you saying?

      Offer a lower priced Bridge?

      Stay tuned because 2013 will see some technical releases that will stun even atheists and agnostics! The Orgs will boom once again and all SP’s will be vanquished!

      Like

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