David Miscavige Declares: Meteor Swarms Caused by SP Attacks on the Church of Scientology!

Speaking today from the Religious Technology Center Observatory in Commerce, California, COB RTC David Miscavige declared that the swarms of meteors savaging the Earth are caused by wogs attacking the Church of Scientology on a nonstop basis.

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The powerful main telescope of the Religious Technology Center Observatory sets atop Bride Publications Inc., the world’s largest digital printing factory. Sea Org members use the telescope to spy on nearby buildings and homes to ensure that no SP’s are hovering around BPI.

COB emphasized that, “Scientology OT Committee Members are using attention beams to pull asteroids into the Earth’s atmosphere where they burn up and explode, this to warn wogs to cease and desist in their nonstop attacks on the Church of Scientology or else! Scientology’s lawyers were unable to stop the unrestrained evil purposes of these SP’s and so now we’re using meteors!,” exclaimed COB.

COB said that Scientology OT’s are here on Earth trying to help, particularly through the Church’s acclaimed social betterment programs such as Narconon, but that a special class of wogs, known as Suppressive Persons, hate it when anyone tries to help because they, as SP’s, are committed to destroying all forms of help ranging from simple courtesy to insanely attacking the miraculous Church of Scientology.”

COB David Miscavige warned that “natural signs and wonders” will intensify as Scientology OT’s focus their power on putting in Ethics on this planet. “All people will submit to the Church of Scientology,” COB pronounced, after which he ominously added, “And the attacks on me had better stop yesterday or I will pour down my Wrath on Earth just as I did on Psychiatry!

“Ridicule my good works one more time and I will use my Scientology powers of destruction to bring in the ‘Big One’ — a true killer meteor — to end cycle on this miserable prison planet,” COB concluded.

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Wogs: Beware the wrath of the Church of Scientology!

In lighter news, a fashion show will be held at CC Int next week to raise money for a statue of Tom Cruise. If COB does not destroy this planet, the  statue of Cruise will be placed in the garden of St. Hill near the beautifully resplendent statue of COB RTC David Miscavige:

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20 responses to “David Miscavige Declares: Meteor Swarms Caused by SP Attacks on the Church of Scientology!

  1. That COB statue of Dave Miscavige at St. Hill looks like a Mattel Ken doll. Does the COB have ‘man parts’? If I donate enough money, can I specify the size of the Tom Cruise statue’s man parts?

    In a lighter note, can COB’s awesome OT powers direct a meteor to strike any city? I have a list of places that piss me off and I’d like DM to destroy them, starting with East Orange New Jersey.

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  2. “Bride Publications Inc” – Um, is that a Xenu/Freudian slip about Shelly?

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  3. Has COB considered shooting RPFers into space to deflect these wog asteroid/meteor attacks? John Allender and the failed Squirrel Busters could be used as practice until the proper trajectory is solidified. They’re obviously worthless these days.

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  4. OT8, I thought that meteor was the return of LRH to planet earth. Where is LRH?

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  5. With all eyes fixed on the sky and the COB statue crotch, is anyone keeping an eye on a certain electronic prison in the Pyrenees? This is classic misdirection. It may not be related, but Page Six is reporting a famous former intergalactic tyrant is looking for a co-op in Tribeca.

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    • Oh come now! All kinds of famous former intergalactic tyrants have co-ops in Tribeca. Why just last week, COB spent time with Emperor Haile Selassie. COB flew his ruds and then did some standard Book One processes to put the Emperor into PT, after which it was agreed hat he, the Emperor, would give Ethiopia to the Church of Scientology.

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  6. Extremely funny 🙂

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  7. “Ridicule my good works one more time and I will use my Scientology powers of destruction to bring in the ‘Big One’ — a true killer meteor — to end cycle on this miserable prison planet,” COB concluded.

    Meteors do not flame until they penetrate our atmosphere. The picture seems to be more of a VERY small star heading towards earth and very unlikely. A flaming head of LRH heading towards earth would be more believable.

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  8. It appears the the emperor has no clothes.

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  9. BTW, Tom Cruise is going to do a sequel of Top Gun. In this sequel, is he going to deflect the meteor, and, more importantly, is he going to deflect media attention from his deposition by Bauer Entertainment?

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