Theta Jazz for OT’s!


Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that as part of the “Softer Side of COB” PR campaign, David Miscavige is releasing his first instrumental jazz album along with fellow Scientologist Chick Corea.

Entitled Theta Jazz for OT’s, the instrumental album marks David Miscavige’s debut into the world of Jazz. Backed by legendary jazzman and fellow Scientologist Chick Corea, the album is certain to go Double Platinum as Mr. Miscavige has ordered all 12,000,000 OT’s to purchase ten copies each or lose their eligibility for the OT levels.

Sitrick & Company, the famous crisis management firm at the helm of the “Softer Side of COB” PR campaign, released a statement saying that, “David Miscavige’s ‘Theta Jazz for OT’s’ is an outstanding product, and one that is very safe — especially when compared to the potentially deadly energy drinks manufactured by Monster Energy.”


No stranger to bad PR, Sitrick & Company handled the infamous El Torito frog head incident as we read in the Daily Beast:

Indeed, many companies have battled allegations that turn out not to be true. In 1996, Sitrick And Company handled a lawsuit against El Torito, a restaurant chain in California, after a customer claimed he bit into a taco and found a frog’s head. “We had the frog analyzed by experts,” Ignon says. “We realized the human mouth could never have done this. We hired private investigators to check out the person making this claim and he told his girlfriend he was going to do something exactly like this.” After much mockery on late-night TV, El Torito’s name was cleared and the staged frog incident became the focus of ridicule.

“In the same way that the frog’s-head-in-a-taco-incident was proven to be a sham, so too will Sitrick & Company prove that all the attacks on COB RTC David Miscavige are a sham,” concluded Scientology spokesman Delusion.

In other news, a group calling itself “Narconon” is falsely claiming ties to the Scientology religion, this after being accused of legal wrongdoing in the state of Georgia.

“We in the Church of Scientology don’t know anything about this s0-called Narconon matter,” Delusion remarked in a separate and tersely-worded press release. “And we most certainly have never heard of this Mary Reiser woman.”

11 replies »

  1. Let’s see… 12 million OT’s each buying 10 copies at $3,000 means 120 million sales and total revenue of $360 billion. We at Global Capitalism HQ are indeed impressed. Numbers over 9 digits definitely get our attention. But I am thinking that “Double Platinum” doesn’t really describe the towering magnitude of this stereophonic achievement. Perhaps the RIAA will have to invent a unique “Double Secret Platinum” category to express the awesomeness of this result, complete with a “Platinumus Gluteus Maximus” trophy.


    • Yes, we in RTC concur: The RIAA will need to create a new “Quadruple Chromium Award” or something like that to honor the musical greatness of David Miscavige.

      COB’s new musical stage name is Slappy Mack.

      This new musical stage name has to do with the way he slaps his jazz guitar while he simulates playing it.


  2. Wait, I’m confused. Is this a recording of COB performing jazz, or listening to it? You in the RTC didn’t mention an instrument, and he’s just chillin’ on the cover listening to records. What’s up? I would think, with his legendary impatience (as with fishing), the COB’s approach to playing jazz would be to flip a switch and “play” music that way.


    • Chick Corea’s contribution to this project was limited to providing only the original jazz music.

      Slappy Mack’s contributions, on the other hand, are immense for he plays some basic chords on one of the Founder’s Wurlitzer organs while also guiding the project from his seat behind the mighty mixing board of Golden Era Studios.

      Whoa! Golden Era Studios sure looks like a spaceship to us; doesn’t it look like a spaceship to you? It does, doesn’t it? This makes jazz great Slappy Mack smarter than any NASA astronaut!


    • Grrr!

      How dare you compare Slappy Mack to filthy wog musicians!

      In any event, Slappy Mack’s new composition Rock Slam will make even avid Steely Dan fans rethink their loyalty to Fagen and Becker.

      Rock Slam is an amazing musical feat, and, Juliette Lewis’ screeching banshee-like backing vocals create what one reviewer called, “The world’s first sonic sec check.” In other words, you’ll give up all of your crimes if OSA will just turn off the music.


    • Steely Can is a great name for a Scientology band. I always thought that the Low Tones would be a great critic-based jazz band name, but Steely Can wins the prize.

      ‘Degraded Beings’ would be a great name for a punk band. I can see the marquee now – Bad Religion, Suicidal Tendencies, Social Distortion and the Degraded Beings performing at Coachella in 2014.


  3. OT8,

    I noticed that Davey said he doesn’t know Mary Reiser, however he DOES know a Mary Rieser. Misspelling her name won’t fool us! We weren’t born in a sci org, you know! His attempts at trickery have failed, boo. Please tell him while he’s nice and cozy listening to his jazz cd’s version of “Muskrat Love”. (I can’t believe he likes that song, especially in a jazz version).

    See you l8er, OT8er!



    • Oh come now Midwest Mom!

      The placement of an “e” or “i” is really not worth carping over on an internet blog.

      Only the courts or law enforcement concern themselves over such trifles. And it really doesn’t matter now as we have heard rumors that a bitter former staffer named, uh, let us check here… Mary Rieser, yes, Mary Rieser with an “i” before the “e” has left town for parts unknown.


  4. OT8, LRH invented music in a previous life, did he not? So, only Scientologists can write and perform and appreciate music. I used to think the poor quality of radio music was due to payola, but it’s actually because degraded beings and wogs simply don’t understand music.


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