Tom Cruise Spontaneously Combusts!

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Shortly before the Reverend Cruise spontaneously combusted during the Scientology Media Productions fundraising telethon, he experienced a moment of reverie and anaten. This occurred as Reverend Cruise was asking Scientologists to reach out and place their hand to his as a point of faith contact.

This proved unfortunate as all 918 Scientologists who were viewing the telethon and had touched their hands to the Reverend Cruise’s also spontaneously combusted. The good news is that COB RTC was not harmed as he was in Switzerland on a private banking trip.

Of course, the Founder warned of spontaneous combustion in the original OTVIII documents:

The rundown is long and can be arduous, but it must be done thoroughly if  there is to be any effect not only on the body of the pre-OT but the body  of  his  other progeny as wall.  There is some danger, but with OT VII  thoroughly  completed is not nearly so great as the danger witnessed by assorted unfortunates  who happened to stumble into this area in their sleep or in moments  of  reverie  or anaten, experiencing an hitherto mysterious  phenomenon  known  as  “spontaneous combustion”.

CAUTION:  DO NOT BE PTS WHILE TRAVERSING THIS THIRD AND FINAL WALL OF FIRE

6 responses to “Tom Cruise Spontaneously Combusts!

  1. Are you sure that he didn’t just drop his body?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just hate it when I click on links in this blog and unsuspectingly get directed to confidential material that I shouldn’t be exposed to. This is a perfect example: https://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Fishman/Declaration/ot8b.html
    After reading this top seekrit doc intended only for the most advanced OTs in this sector of the guh-lax-ee, I came down with a bad case of the sniffles. Everyone knows that sniffles leads to pneumonia, so I not-ised what I read and nipped that nasty ailment right in the butt. I cogged that the Founder really knew what He was talking about when He said not to approach this material if you are PMS. Personally, I hate being PMS and take care of that by getting a metered interview, locating my special SP of the month and then disconnecting immediately.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ladies, are you PTS to PMS? If so, then Scientology’s new PMS Rundown is designed to handle it. The PMS Rundown consists of vacuuming the carpets and doing laundry at Flag for twelve hours a day and being told to shut your mouth by a male Course Sup if you complain. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige personally designed this program based upon an LRH domestic advice from 1938 and swears it works wonders.

      Like

  3. “…in Switzerland on a secret banking trip” poppycock! He’s started stuffing his face with giant Toblerones again.

    Like

    • You’re a common ruffian! What COB stuffs his face with is exactly none of your business. In the event, COB needs giant Toblerones to prevent hot flashes as he is going through male menopause.

      Like

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