“Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and needs more money now!” brayed COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige at the Maiden Beating Event.
“Never in the entire agonized history of this planet has Scientology ever been in a more SERIOUS CRISIS. Never has Scientology ever needed money like it needs now!”
When asked what the SERIOUS CRISIS was, Mr. Miscavige would only say that it was an unspecified serious crisis that could, if given sufficient money, be resolved by next Thursday at 2:00PM.
After COB’s announcement of the dire and unspecified crisis, Scientology OT’s retired to the ballroom and gorged themselves on lobster, steak, shrimp, baked goods, pies, cakes, champagnes, cognacs, fine wines, rich chocolate deserts, and creamy white cake with buttercream frosting. Newly-minted Clear Stacy Francis regaled the crowd with her musical stylings some have compared to Yoko Ono.
As COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige mounted the podium today to give the keynote address at the 1st annual Conference of Cult Leaders in Crisis, he sensed something was not right.
And indeed it was a trap for the stage set behind was actually a Marcabian Portal. Just as COB launched into his speech a high-pitched sound was heard. Whereupon COB was sucked into the Marcabian portal.
COB’s whereabouts remain unknown. A $500 reward is offered for information.
“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”
“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”
“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”
“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged church of scientology, Church of Scientology spokesman, Church of Spiritual Technology, COB RTC David Miscavige, David Miscavige, Emmy, Ken Delusion, L. Ron Hubbard, last will and testament, Leah Remini, Scientology and the Aftermath, Scientology Congresses, Scientology Media Productions
“COB today congratulated Scientology phony PR front group STAND for reaching a milestone of 10,000 fake members,” Ken Delusion announced.
“These mocked up Scientologists now outnumber real Scientologists,” Delusion noted. “Which goes to show that Scientologists can create new and better realities, get the best parking spots, put out intention beams to get green lights at intersections, and postulate new Scientology parishioners where none actually exist.”
“It’s not fraud, it’s OT Magic!” enthused Delusion.
“And thanks to a new IAS grant, STAND can now purchase another 10,000 stock photos to use as STAND members. It really is straight up and vertical expansion in Scientology,” Delusion rhapsodized, his eyes glazed over and his smile fixed as if he were in another of his phantasmagorical and maniacal trances.
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged church of scientology, COB RTC David Miscavige, David Miscavige, David Miscavige lies, Ed Parkin lies, fraud, IRS, lies, Linda Hamel Fraud, Linda Hamel lies, Office of Special Affairs, OSA, OSA busted, Scientology, Scientology lies, STAND, tax exempt fraud
“You want reality television?”asked disaffected OTV Don Newland, a bitter and nearly-bankrupt man who doesn’t give a shit if he’s declared an SP.
“Well the Church of Scientology is reality television at its fake worst! Everything in the Church is scripted and phony. Even COB’s soaring columns are made from foam that’s been spray-painted gold.”
“And COB’s story about the Founder ‘caustively dropping his body’? Please! That was as phony as it gets! Likewise, GAT I and GAT II were a bogus scripted giant money grab. Same thing with the Basics! That was just another COB money scam. And to think Scientologists actually believed COB’s ‘misplaced paragraphs’ and ‘malicious semicolons’ nonsense!”
“The Church of Scientology has always been a big phony reality television show. Even David Miscavige’s hair is fake and the guy wears elevator shoes. The Ideal Orgs are bogus and some of them don’t even actually exist. COB just takes some pictures of buildings off the internet and says, “Look: Here’s our future Ideal Org in (fill in city name). Fundraising begins now!”
Scientology’s Future Ideal Org in La Mierda
“COB RTC has issued a global disconnection order for Tuesday August 15, 2017,” announced Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion. “All Scientologists globally are ordered to disconnect from WiFi, cable, satellite dishes and all types of antennae capable of receiving the television show Scientology and the Aftermath.
“Scientologists are further ordered to unplug and store all devices capable of receiving broadcast signal. This includes computers, cell phones, tablets, televisions, radios, and all electronic gizmos, doodads, gimcracks, gee gaws, thingamabobs, thingamajigs, whatchamacallits, gadgets, idiot boxes, or any other widgets or contraptions capable of conducting electrons and emitting sound or visio. This is a total ban on all electron-powered doohickeys. There is to be no cheating upon pain of death.”
“Any Scientologist caught watching Leah or even ‘sneaking a peek’ this coming Tuesday August 15th will be dealt with by use of ecclesiastical thumbscrews, the rack, and so forth and so on. As Marcellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction, COB says to all Scientologists, ‘I’m going to go medieval on your ass!’ This is your last and final warning to not watch Scientology and the Aftermath!” Delusion darkly intoned after which he pronounced dire Black Scientology voodoo curses upon the Psychs, the ASC, Henry Kissinger, and a long list of other SP’s who bedevil Scientology and all that is holy.