Tag Archives: COB RTC David Miscavige

David Miscavige Disappears Into Marcabian Space Portal

As COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige mounted the podium today to give the keynote address at the 1st annual Conference of Cult Leaders in Crisis, he sensed something was not right.

And indeed it was a trap for the stage set behind was actually a Marcabian Portal. Just as COB launched into his speech a high-pitched sound was heard. Whereupon COB was sucked into the Marcabian portal.

COB’s whereabouts remain unknown. A $500 reward is offered for information.

Delusion Reveals the WHY for Why Scientology Media Productions Is Not Broadcasting

“By actual survey, Scientology parishioners are asking the WHY for why Scientology Media Productions is not broadcasting,” said spokesman Ken Delusion. “More than a few Scientologists have noted that Leah Remini has been able to broadcast an entheta show week after week — and even win an Emmy — while SMP sits idly by and does nothing about it, this despite Scientology’s motto that ‘Something Can Be Done About It.'”

“The answer is that the CST Deep Space Antenna Array in New Mexico has not yet received signal from the Founder on Target Two authorizing SMP to begin broadcasting.”

“An obscure clause in the Founder’s last will and testament requires his direct permission by Telex radio communication from T2 before ‘any Scientology entity may broadcast tele-vision or radio waves containing copyrighted Scientology content into the public airwaves.'”

“T2 is many light years away. SMP expects to get operational authorization from T2 in about 25,000 years,” Delusion noted. “And when we get that authorization, the station is ready to flip a switch and begin broadcasting. Until then, there are COB events and LRH Congresses to listen to for the next 25,000 years.”

RTC Secret Memo: Celebrities


Actress Elisabeth Moss Joins Scientology’s Elite “Fuck You” Club

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has determined that celebrities pose too many risks to Scientology. Therefore, COB decrees the following:

1. Thanks to a generous $500,000,000 donation, the Celebrity Centre Int will be renamed The Bob Duggan Scientology Success in Life Centre. Only those Scientologists with an annual income of $3,000,000 USD or more are eligible to join the BDSSILC. The emphasis will be on success, money, IAS Patron Status, and not on celebrity or going up the, uhh, that thing, err, what’s it called? The Bridge to total, umm, something. Whatever it was the Founder was hobbyhorsing about all time with his complicated charts and scales and whatnot. We in RTC aren’t really into it because if you’re a major IAS Patron you’re automatically an OT8 so don’t worry about it.

2. Grant and Elena Cardone will chair the BDSSILC OT Committee.

3. Except for Tom Cruise and a few others, most of the existing Scientology celebrities are demoted to the status of PAC Base publics. None of them have done us any good. Tom Cruise will become a BDSSILC public.

4. Due to their creepy and embarrassing videos, Bodhi and Jenna Elfman are demoted to SFV publics and ordered to move to the Valley. They have lost their Hollywood/Los Feliz privileges for gross out ethics.

5. Elisabeth Moss flipping off the camera at the Emmys was too much for COB. Moss is being sec checked at Int Base for the next several months on her evil purposes to destroy Scientology.

6. Just as STAND has created fake stock photo Scientologists, the Church will create fake stock photo celebrity members. Stock photo Scientology celebrities pose no PR risks and will not escape and write books or do television shows. Our launch stock photo Scientology celebrity is Angelia Joolie:

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige Hails Fake STAND Member Program as a Complete Success

FAKE.STAND

“COB today congratulated Scientology phony PR front group STAND for reaching a milestone of 10,000 fake members,” Ken Delusion announced.

“These mocked up Scientologists now outnumber real Scientologists,” Delusion noted. “Which goes to show that Scientologists can create new and better realities, get the best parking spots, put out intention beams to get green lights at intersections, and postulate new Scientology parishioners where none actually exist.”

“It’s not fraud, it’s OT Magic!” enthused Delusion.

“And thanks to a new IAS grant, STAND can now purchase another 10,000 stock photos to use as STAND members. It really is straight up and vertical expansion in Scientology,” Delusion rhapsodized, his eyes glazed over and his smile fixed as if he were in another of his phantasmagorical and maniacal trances.

The Church of Scientology: Reality Television at its Fake Worst!

“You want reality television?”asked disaffected OTV Don Newland, a bitter and nearly-bankrupt man who doesn’t give a shit if he’s declared an SP.

“Well the Church of Scientology is reality television at its fake worst! Everything in the Church is scripted and phony. Even COB’s soaring columns are made from foam that’s been spray-painted gold.”

“And COB’s story about the Founder ‘caustively dropping his body’? Please! That was as phony as it gets! Likewise, GAT I and GAT II were a bogus scripted giant money grab. Same thing with the Basics! That was just another COB money scam. And to think Scientologists actually believed COB’s ‘misplaced paragraphs’ and ‘malicious semicolons’ nonsense!”

“The Church of Scientology has always been a big phony reality television show. Even David Miscavige’s hair is fake and the guy wears elevator shoes. The Ideal Orgs are bogus and some of them don’t even actually exist. COB just takes some pictures of buildings off the internet and says, “Look: Here’s our future Ideal Org in (fill in city name). Fundraising begins now!”

Scientology’s Future Ideal Org in La Mierda

Scientology Leader Orders Global Disconnection on August 15, 2017

“COB RTC has issued a global disconnection order for Tuesday August 15, 2017,” announced Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion. “All Scientologists globally are ordered to disconnect from WiFi, cable, satellite dishes and all types of antennae capable of receiving the television show Scientology and the Aftermath. 

“Scientologists are further ordered to unplug and store all devices capable of receiving broadcast signal. This includes computers, cell phones, tablets, televisions, radios, and all electronic gizmos, doodads, gimcracks, gee gaws, thingamabobs, thingamajigs, whatchamacallits, gadgets, idiot boxes, or any other widgets or contraptions capable of conducting electrons and emitting sound or visio. This is a total ban on all electron-powered doohickeys. There is to be no cheating upon pain of death.”

“Any Scientologist caught watching Leah or even ‘sneaking a peek’ this coming Tuesday August 15th will be dealt with by use of ecclesiastical thumbscrews, the rack, and so forth and so on. As Marcellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction, COB says to all Scientologists, ‘I’m going to go medieval on your ass!’ This is your last and final warning to not watch Scientology and the Aftermath!” Delusion darkly intoned after which he pronounced dire Black Scientology voodoo curses upon the Psychs, the ASC, Henry Kissinger, and a long list of other SP’s who bedevil Scientology and all that is holy.

Anthony Scaramucci Appointed as New Executive Director of Scientology Media Productions

scaramucci

“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige is pleased to announced the appointment of Mr. Anthony Scaramucci as the new Executive Director of Scientology Media Productions,” said Ken Delusion at the regular Monday press conference. “COB feels that Scaramucci will bring with him that ‘rip everyone a new asshole’ work ethic which COB feels is vital for getting anything done in Scientology.”

“Former SMP E/D Stayta Kleer has been sent to the RPF’s RPF at the Pyongyang Ideal Org due to her chronic counter-intentionedness and evil purposes against COB. Stayta Kleer was trying to destroy Scientology organizations and produced ZERO product for SMP during her one year tenure as E/D.”

“The failure of SMP to produce anything is all her fault. COB gave her every opportunity to do something, anything, and all he got from her was excuses such as ‘SMP has no money, we have not been given any money to do anything. Staff is not being paid and has not been paid for one year yada yada yada.’ Well sorry but that’s not COB’s problem. Stayta Kleer’s job was to make it go right and she didn’t.”