David Miscavige’s Personal Astrologer Sees Bad Times Followed by Good Times

Captain David Miscavige’s personal Vedic astrologer Jyotisha-Vastu predicts, “hard times followed by good times” for the Church.

“The entheta, lawsuits, Sea Org members blowing, and the statcrashes — it is all a purification phase.”

“These present hard times will be followed by good times, by highest ever straight up and vertical expansion as the world has never seen.”

“For this reason, Scientology parishioners must stay faithful and not read the internet. They must remain dauntless, defiant, and resolute. But most of all, Scientology parishioners must donate more and more money. And they must do it now, now, now! The demand for money to fuel Captain Miscavige’s IAS war chest has never been greater.”

TSAR.DAVEWhen queried about the waves of internet attacks, lawsuits, and scandalous revelations about Captain David Miscavige,  Jyotisha-Vastu observed, “Captain Miscavige is being purified in a trial by fire to lead the entire Planet into a new Golden Age of Payback wherein SP’s, haters, and Scientology deniers will only be seen in museums. In this case, the museums will be Ideal Scientology concentration camps.”

At this point, Church spokesman Ken Delusion added, “Captain Miscavige has reconsidered the Church’s 1980’s opposition to the Siberia Bill . We in the Church of Scientology now believe that incarcerating all SP’s up there in a million acres of remote land in Alaska is great idea — in fact it is an idea whose time has come.”

Captain Miscavige will make SP’s afraid of us again!” Delusion menacingly intoned.

13 replies »

  1. The “Golden Age of Payback”. I’ve never been prouder to be part of this group than right now! I’m writing a check for my Maximus Miscavigus Patronus with Honors status right now COB!!!


  2. I’ve made it a habit to automatically accept Ken Delusion’s reporting as Gospel, but this time I decided to call up my own personal psychic to confirm the truthiness of this story. And here’s what she told me:

    “Drrrr Nrrrr Nrrrr… If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”

    Psychics often speak very cryptically, so I don’t know what to make of that answer. If anyone can offer an interpretation, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.


    • We asked Jyotisha-Vastu and he said, “People should only consult astrologers certified by the Church of Scientology. The same is true when consulting Nation of Islam members for answers about the Mother Ship.”

      “Church of Scientology certs: Your guarantee of quality.”


  3. I think this phony character, what´s his name?……… Jyotisha-Vastu needs to be sent off to one of them Ideal Scientology concentration camps up there in the wilderness in Alaska and get purified in a trial by fire so he can learn to become subservient and afraid of David Misckowitch again. Wasn´t he paid millions of $$$$$$$ of the church´s money to come up with a good prediction?


  4. When is Captain Dave going to order all parishioners, sea org members and other staff to cut their hair the way he does?


  5. The obvious solution is for downtown Clearwater and Gold Base to secede from the United States and from a new nation free from corrupt wog law. The remaining Scientology and Narconon facilities will act as its embassies with all the legal freedoms accorded other nations’ embassies. Diplomatic bags can be used for transfers of cash and RPF inmates. As the very ecclesiastic head of an independent nation, His Ableness will enjoy diplomatic immunity when he travels through the wog world to attend ecclesiastic functions such as Hollywood parties and motorcycle races. The internet will of course be outlawed in the land of COBtopia.


  6. The Golden Age of Payback continues…first it was France, now it is Belgium. Doesn’t the technology tell us that bad things happening are the result of those things being “pulled in”?

    In the name of the founder, what has COB done? What are his crimes?


  7. Last weekend at Int. Base, Ken Delusion told Jyotisha-Vastu a hilarious joke. Unfortunately Captain Miscavige just happened to be passing by and gave the laughing Mr. Vastu a knuckle sandwich. When asked why Miscavige answered, “Well, I’ve always wanted to strike a happy medium.”


  8. Imagine a world without suppressives! I keep Tom Cruise’s words in my heart. And it could happen if we just raise enough money and more money! I’m going to get another job with my other two jobs to make more money to win the fight!


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