Captain David Miscavige’s personal Vedic astrologer Jyotisha-Vastu predicts, “hard times followed by good times” for the Church.
“The entheta, lawsuits, Sea Org members blowing, and the statcrashes — it is all a purification phase.”
“These present hard times will be followed by good times, by highest ever straight up and vertical expansion as the world has never seen.”
“For this reason, Scientology parishioners must stay faithful and not read the internet. They must remain dauntless, defiant, and resolute. But most of all, Scientology parishioners must donate more and more money. And they must do it now, now, now! The demand for money to fuel Captain Miscavige’s IAS war chest has never been greater.”
When queried about the waves of internet attacks, lawsuits, and scandalous revelations about Captain David Miscavige, Jyotisha-Vastu observed, “Captain Miscavige is being purified in a trial by fire to lead the entire Planet into a new Golden Age of Payback wherein SP’s, haters, and Scientology deniers will only be seen in museums. In this case, the museums will be Ideal Scientology concentration camps.”
At this point, Church spokesman Ken Delusion added, “Captain Miscavige has reconsidered the Church’s 1980’s opposition to the Siberia Bill . We in the Church of Scientology now believe that incarcerating all SP’s up there in a million acres of remote land in Alaska is great idea — in fact it is an idea whose time has come.”
“Captain Miscavige will make SP’s afraid of us again!” Delusion menacingly intoned.