Tag Archives: SP’s

Are You a Tough Angry Sonofabitch? If so, Scientology Wants You!

Scientology Security Forces Shatter Suppression!

We in the Church of Scientology are the world’s fastest growing religion. Our growth continues to skyrocket uncontrollably as billions of thetans clamor for Scientology goods and services like never before.

But with this growth comes unparalleled magnitudes of suppression from SP’s. This is where you as a tough angry sonofabitch enter the scene. Scientology needs unemployed soccer hooligans, felons out on parole, and other brutal thugs who need to live off the grid for various reasons. We don’t ask. In fact, we can create a new name and identity for you as a Scientology minister.

The Sea Org is a group of tough sons of bitches. We get things done. Qualified candidates must be able to physically beat SP’s in the streets and to be able to withstand being physically beaten as required.  Ecclesiastical beatings are a part of the Sea Org tradition. We are just like the British Navy in the 18th century in that respect, which is to say your criminal history and extensive arrest record make you very desirable to Scientology.

Uniforms are provided. Free room and board. Weekly pay ranges from zero to as much as $46.50 for a 100 hour work week. All new hires will be trained to confront and shatter suppression the old fashioned way! (wink wink)

Scientology & Disconnection

Theta.Movers

The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce its newest venture: Theta Movers. This full service moving company is here to service all your moving needs when OSA has ordered you to move far away from neighboring SP’s, particularly when these SP’s are family who want to stop your Bridge progress.

“While we in the Church of Scientology most definitely do not practice Disconnection as portrayed by the ASC-controlled wog media,” said VP of Disconnection Services Mr. Ken Delusion, “We strongly feel that no Scientologist should be forced to live near any source of enturbulances or suppression who are hostile to their practice of Scientology and its policy of Disconnection, a policy that is widely misunderstood.”

“Disconnection does not ‘break up families’ as claimed,” emphasized Mr. Delusion who has not spoken to his own parents in ten years after they were declared SP’s for reading entheta on the internet, “Rather, Disconnection simply rearranges families and changes ‘communication‘ to ‘no communication.’ And indeed as the Founder said, ‘No communication with disaffected family members prevents a chaos of thinkingness, a flood of restimulative human emotion and reaction in which the gung ho Scientologist feels torn between the Church and his or her family. Dramatizing family is a homo sap weakness, nothing more than genetic entity think and the Homo Novis is a skyscraper higher than such concerns, particularly when Scientology so desperately needs more money.”

“It is a high crime, a violation of KSW to put family before the Church,” Delusion pointedly insisted. “And even my own parents know how easy it is to get back in touch with me. They simply need to do A-E, make up the damage they’ve done to the group, and strike an effective blow against the members of the group they’ve been pretending to be a member of. Marty has set a sterling example in this regard as he suffers up through the conditions.”

“In happier news,” said Delusion, “the new Hubbard Trailer Rancho has opened in Dunedin. Named after the Founder, this older trailer park was acquired by the ILO recently with IAS funds. The park features affordable single wide trailer homes and is intended for those Scientologists who don’t have the reach or wherewithal to afford a stick built home. And per Scientology policy, the Hubbard Trailer Rancho is ringed with a razor wire fence to keep SP’s out and Scientologists in.”

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New Scientology Ad Campaign for Spring 2017

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Who says Scientology isn’t pro-family? We in Scientology say that the family that Fair Games SP’s together stays together. Mom & Dad: Go Fair Game some SP’s today and take your children with you so they can learn the ways of Scientology!

I’m a Scientologist at my Org but a Wog everywhere else

dr-frank-wonderman

Dr. Frank Wonderman

A guest column by Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director of Parishioner Interrogation & Surveillance Services

The recent 1,000+ parishioner interrogations, or sec checks, my department has conducted revealed a shocking fact: Fully 95% of Scientologists will only admit to being Scientologists when they are in their Orgs!

Everywhere else these theetie-wheetie, dilettante, no-confront Scientologists pretend to be Wogs so they can “blend in” and not be ridiculed for paying a fortune to belong to a strange group of lunatic cultists led by a violent narcissistic named David Miscavige.

While these perceptions are utterly false, for indeed Scientology is the most ethical and sane group to appear on  this planet in the last 75,000,000 years, the more important set of alternate facts at work are these:

  • We as Scientologists have never been closer to making planetary clearing a reality
  • There has never been a better time to call yourself a Scientologist
  • Scientology is now 50% better than it was before GAT II

It is true. With the release of OTIX and OTX we are now very close to clearing the planet. And of course, as COB has stated, we need to make every Org and every Continent Ideal. We also need to shatter all suppression and blow all the stops to planetary clearing.

All of this costs money and so COB needs you to up your IAS status now. Accordingly, the Reverend Doctor Alfreddie Johnson is touring all of the Orgs to encourage Scientologists to up their IAS statuses. Up your status today and you will receive many special trophies, medals, and fancy gold lapel pins. These glistening prizes will, once again, surely make you proud to be a Scientologist.

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Are You a Declared SP Being Harassed by Anti-Scientologists? There is Help!

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“We in the Church of Scientology have opened up a hotline for declared SP’s to call if they feel harassed by anti-Scientologists,”  declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Even though we totally ruined these people’s lives by declaring them SP’s, we don’t want to see them get their feelings get hurt on the internet by anti-Scientologists. That is how much we care.”

“Even for declared SP’s who have been viciously Fair Gamed by OSA, disconnected from their families, spied on, and harassed, these anti-Scientologists can be far worse! The fact is that these anti-Scientologists comprise a very dangerous cult that slavishly follows wild-eyed wog ideas such as Free Speech, heated debate in which barbed epithets are hurled, logic, reason, evidence, speculation, and breaking news — all things we in the Church of Scientology despise and oppose!”

“These horrible anti-Scientology cultists cluster around their special little hateful natter boards where they worship the owners of the natter boards! It is even more sickening than fawning Scientologists yelling ‘Hip Hip Hooray!’ to an enormous photo our dead Founder or applauding for hours and hours our dearly beloved and cosmically significant leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”

“These anti-Scientologists behave far worse than OSA, RTC, and the GO rolled into one! Worse, these anti-Scientologist Jokers & Degraders are possessed of a lavish, excessive, flamboyant, and clownish sense of humor that is dipped in shoops and deep fried in japery! Scientology is a deadly serious and grim activity — we can’t have any laughs here folks!”

Conditional Holiday Greetings from the Church of Scientology

UFO festival in Roswell, New Mexico

Church of Scientology Conditional Holiday Greetings

(Please read, fill in your name, date, and then sign and return to your nearest Church of Scientology in the postage-paid return envelope)

We in the Church of Scientology (hereinafter “the Church”) extend to ______________________________  our conditional holiday greetings:

This holiday greeting specifically excludes the French, wogs, SP’s, DB’s rockslammers, 1.1’s, crims, homo saps, perverts, psychs, Big Pharma, SMERSH, Communists, panty-waisted dilettantes, Marcabs, Helotrobes, British Bankers, those who are theetie wheetie, members of the forth, fifth, and sixth invader forces, and all inhabitants of the planet Farsec.

The recipient receives the Church’s conditional holiday greetings with no expectation of a gift of any kind whatsoever.

The recipient acknowledges that the Church views Christmas and Christianity as R6 implants, i.e. as alien-implanted false data and mental image pictures that can only be remedied by the full application of Scientology technology, which technology can only be delivered at a licensed church in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches that are licensed by the Religious Technology Center.

The recipient acknowledges the Church’s conditional holiday greetings does not mean we will not spy on or harass you without notice in 2016.

The recipient acknowledges Church’s conditional holiday greetings is a PR  gesture only and confers no exalted Scientology social status or prestige upon the recipient. For example, the recipient may not claim to family, friends, or co-workers that they are “best friends” with Tom Cruise or David Miscavige as a result of their receipt of the Church’s conditional holiday greetings.

The recipient agrees to allow the Church to remotely access their personal computers and all other electronic devices for the purposes of determining if they are connected to SP’s.

Attestation: I, ___________________________________ accept the Church’s conditional holiday greetings and agree to never  sue the Church or its agents, heirs, or assigns in perpetuity for any reason whatsoever. My agreement to never sue the Church is retroactive to the beginning of time.

Signed__________________________________

Date__________________

David Miscavige’s Personal Astrologer Sees Bad Times Followed by Good Times

Captain David Miscavige’s personal Vedic astrologer Jyotisha-Vastu predicts, “hard times followed by good times” for the Church.

“The entheta, lawsuits, Sea Org members blowing, and the statcrashes — it is all a purification phase.”

“These present hard times will be followed by good times, by highest ever straight up and vertical expansion as the world has never seen.”

“For this reason, Scientology parishioners must stay faithful and not read the internet. They must remain dauntless, defiant, and resolute. But most of all, Scientology parishioners must donate more and more money. And they must do it now, now, now! The demand for money to fuel Captain Miscavige’s IAS war chest has never been greater.”

TSAR.DAVEWhen queried about the waves of internet attacks, lawsuits, and scandalous revelations about Captain David Miscavige,  Jyotisha-Vastu observed, “Captain Miscavige is being purified in a trial by fire to lead the entire Planet into a new Golden Age of Payback wherein SP’s, haters, and Scientology deniers will only be seen in museums. In this case, the museums will be Ideal Scientology concentration camps.”

At this point, Church spokesman Ken Delusion added, “Captain Miscavige has reconsidered the Church’s 1980’s opposition to the Siberia Bill . We in the Church of Scientology now believe that incarcerating all SP’s up there in a million acres of remote land in Alaska is great idea — in fact it is an idea whose time has come.”

Captain Miscavige will make SP’s afraid of us again!” Delusion menacingly intoned.