Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman today announced planetary-changing news in the Grand Hall of Exact Data.
“Party comrades, I am pleased to inform you that the Church of Scientology has been selected to replace Russia in the G8, this after Boris Putin annexed the Crimea and Russia was thrown out on its big fat pumpkin head!”
“Scientology has been a world power for decades,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman noted, “and our inclusion in the G8 is thus a long overdue acknowledgement by the rabid and unwashed Wog nations of our inherent superiority, deluxe woolen garments, and unrivaled magnificence!”
“The war is over!” Wonderman roared from the lectern in the Grand Hall of Exact Data. The 11,925 Cause Resurgence delegates rose to their feet and applauded Chairman Miscavige for many hours until their hands were bloodied.
“I can also announce,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman added, “that the Church of Scientology’s official currency, the Engram, has been officially recognized by the G8 nations. We are also working to get France audited.”
“In order to facilitate currency exchange, I myself have caused a formal table of our Engram Currency to be published in all of the leading newspapers of the world.”
1000 engrams = 1 rawmeatwog
1000 rawmeatwogs = 1 regcycle
1000 regcycles = 1 thetan
1000 thetans = 1 completion
1000 completions = 1 alteration
1000 alterations = 1 Golden Age
1000 Golden Ages = 1 bloviation
1000 bloviations = 1 COB
“The national flag of the Church of Scientology will continue to be the flag designed in 2007 by Comrade J. Swift of Vladivostok.”