Scientology Deniers Classified as Criminals; Ordered Executed

In a sweeping legal triumph for the Church of Scientology and its supreme leader Captain David Miscavige, the administrative court of the Gorno-Badakhshan province in Tajikistan ruled that Scientology deniers are criminals and ordered them executed if they ever step foot in Gorno-Badakhshan after the 9:00 PM curfew on weekdays.

TajikistanAssisted by concerned Church of Scientology attorneys,  Judge Abdumalik Abdullajanov issued the ruling after being presented evidence of the high crimes of Scientology deniers against the Church and its glorious leader.

Businessman Tied to Tree in Forest“Scientology deniers are to be tied to trees in the Kulikalon Lakes area and left for wolves and other wild animals to rip the flesh from their bones devour them,” Judge Abdullajanov ruled.

“We cannot have Scientology haters and deniers posting entheta online.”

“The court further notes that Scientology deniers failed to appear for this hearing as ordered in a note the court posted on the bulletin board last week.”

“Their contempt of this court proves their savage disregard for the rule of law.”

After the ruling was handed down, a festive party featuring vodka, small pumpkin cakes, and goat meat was held at the Hotel Kayon-2. Church lawyers presented  Judge Abdullajanov with an  honorary IAS status and $50,000 in American cash money to fund his personal charities.

12 responses to “Scientology Deniers Classified as Criminals; Ordered Executed

  1. It’s gotta feel stupendous to finally get a courtroom win…even if it’s not in Texas, it’s still HUGE…everyone in RTC must be 5 feet behind their heads right now.

    As Charley Sheen would say, “Scientology: Winning!”

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    • Actually, we were, as you have previously described, blown 6.2 feet behind our heads. Whereupon, we also celebrated our huge legal win with vodka, small pumpkin cakes, and goat meat.

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      • whostolemycog

        We don’t wish to rain on anyone’s parade, but having spent the night studying the straight up and vertical expansion of deniers, it seems this may take decades to implement meaningful results.

        In the meantime, pass the Stoli and goat meat!

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  2. Aww, hell. My fiancée is going to flip out when I tell her that our honeymoon to Gorno-Badakhshan has to be cancelled now. I don’t even know how I’m going to break it to her. We’ve had this booked for months and months and none of it is refundable.

    And it’s such a shame, too. I was trying to make this one special, because SOME people (like a certain ex-wife of mine) have informed me that Taco Bell and a trip to Six Flags isn’t special and doesn’t even qualify as a honeymoon.

    But, I’m no fool, and I wouldn’t risk being tied to a tree and left for the animals just for a “special” honeymoon. I’m not even sure I like her all that much. Anyways, thank you for the solid reporting, I owe you one for the heads up.

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    • Jimbo, may we in RTC suggest that you and your new bride honeymoon at Flag? Flag is the friendliest place on earth.

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      • Jimbo Threeman

        Thank you kindly for the offer, but I was joked about and degraded after taking my ex to Six Flags on our honeymoon. So I’m afraid that my current future ex will complain if I take her to a spot that boasts only one Flag.

        I do appreciate the offer, but I think it is best if I avoid any destination that has flags in the title or description, regardless of the number.

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  3. It’s high time COB started ruthlessly putting in ethics on the 4th dynamic! Let these executions serve as a beacon of hope to wogs everywhere that the Church of Scientology offers succor to all who are blindly obedient to command intention – and slow deaths to all who fail to comply!

    Now let us open our hymnals and sing the sacred devotional “Trust and Obey COB!”

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    • Scientology deniers need to be disposed of quietly and without sorrow so that Scientology Ethics can be gotten in on the planet.

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      • My stupid wog junior high English teacher never liked the word “got” or any form of it. But, “gotten” perfectly describes the tone and intention of a trained $cientologist.

        Also, don’t KR me, but here are the versions we use while we hide behind sheets of butcher paper and shrubbery:

        …so that Scientology Ethics can be smashed in on the planet.
        …so that Scientology Ethics can be drilled in on the planet.
        …so that Scientology Ethics can be bashed in on the planet.
        …so that Scientology Ethics can be pounded in on the planet.
        …so that Scientology Ethics can be stabbed in on the planet.
        …so that Scientology Ethics can be ass fisted in on the planet.
        …so that Scientology Ethics can be skull fucked in on the planet.

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      • The Founder said that Scientology Ethics must be “gotten in” on this Planet and so, Psychs be damned, we in the Sea are working to get in Ethics on this planet. And we do so for $8.00 per week from our secret location inside a lumber company.

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  4. Spot on!
    Imagine the cult was replacing the government. What a nightmare!

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  5. If anyone ever had any doubts, this is proof that Scientology is now being implemented into the farthest and most remote places on earth, just like COB says it is at events. More than half a billion people across the planet have been reached with COB´s solutions to all their problems just within the last few weeks, creating an expansion so GIGANTIC, the church is hardly able to handle it all by itself. Luckily lots of lawyers and judges around the globe are willing to help the church deal with this overwhelming expansion and the implementation of correct thinking – after being paid handsomely of course.

    This is really great news for all scientologists!!!
    Being on the winning team is such a joy!!!

    Like

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