Church of Scientology Facing Critical Situations in South Africa

The Church of Scientology faces critical situations in South Africa,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion announced today at a news conference.

“As a result of these these very critical situations,” Delusion commented, “”COB RTC David Miscavige had to fire off a Sea Org mission to South Africa to explain why HE found it necessary to declare 18 OT’s, all long duration members of the Church. COB wants people secretly briefed on the facts!”


A microcosm of the Church of Scientology, the Dianetics & Scientology Life Improvement Center in Braamfontein is a grim and joyless undertaking. And yet this grim joylessness is precisely what it takes to Clear a Planet. Sign the billion year contract now!

“And while COB is not using the word ‘mutiny‘ it should be pointed out that he  is quiet ready to quell any uprisings in the Church by the full application of Church of Scientology justice up to and including the sixteen things COB likes to do to SP’s:

  1. Declaring people SP’s and then withholding from them their SP Declares
  2. Cancelling all of your awards and certificates while he screams at his staff about he has to do everything himself
  3. Ordering OSA to make dire threats to that you will die alone and in the dark and in pain if you dare to leave the Church
  4. Fair Game — but what else did you expect from the Church?
  5. Disconnection — we publicly deny it but it is COB’s favorite thing!
  6. Spying on you — yes, it’s OSA in your rearview mirror
  7. Having OSA volunteers scream at declared SP’s on public streets
  8. Creating Hate websites on SP’s
  9. Sending PI’s to your home to dig through your trash
  10. Deploying teams of Squirrel Busters to harass you
  11. Culling your pc folders for dirt on you to use in smear campaigns
  12. Scathing denunciations made about you in the media by Church PR  Karin Pouw
  13. Hate stories about Bitter Defrocked Apostates published by Freedom Magazine
  14. Downvoting on hater blogs such as Tony Ortega’s Underground Bunker
  15. Refusing to give refunds of monies on account to SP’s. And why should we? We don’t even give refunds to Scientologists in good standing!
  16. Allow certain weak-minded SP’s the chance to do A-E if they recant, confess everything to OSA, strike an effective blow against the enemy, and donate gigantic sums of money to the IAS.

“And these are just some of the measures COB RTC David Miscavige and his merciless robots in OSA will use to handle ‘Critical Situations’ that get out of hand!” Delusion warned Church parishioners.

“COB’s recent wave of SP declares is an emphatic warning to those Scientology parishioners who might secretly have evil thoughts about COB or are otherwise harboring blow thoughts.”

“To end on happier and more upbeat news,” Delusion concluded, “The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce that it has just opened its first Ideal Dirt Parking Lot in Durban.”

“COB plans on opening dozens of new Ideal Dirt Parking Lots in the next few years.  Look for one coming to your Org very soon!”

The Church of Scientology’s newest Ideal Dirt Parking Lot!

10 replies »

  1. “The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce that it has just opened its first Ideal Dirt Parking Lot in Durban.”

    This is GREAT news! There has been so much speculation about how to top the opening of Superpower and the release of GATII. The Ideal Dirt Parking Lots totally make sense. Plus, they’re a great place to handle the overflow at the Orgs. As in the picture, portable academies can be stored in shipping containers located at these sites with all the materials needed to erect a “pop-up” open air course room at a moments notice…Brilliant!


    • This should not be ‘news’. His Majestic Egoness, the POS personally oversaw the testing of the portable academies at his home (The ‘Hole’ was just the cover name).
      If you couldn’t see this coming, then you need super power to improve your perception.


  2. Don’t forget about spreading rumors and lies about you at your place of employment to get you fired. But those very Theta things you listed are surely going to ensure that clearing is a reality in South Africa! Victory is right around the corner! Corn on the Cob has really outdone himself with the ideal parking lot campaign. Genius! If I donate a million dollars to it will I get a free T-shirt? Perhaps one that says “I donated 1 million dollars to the ideal parking lot campaign, and all I got is this lousy shirt!” What a hoot that would be to wear it around the org, I’ll be the envy of many!


  3. I like the idea of Ideal Dirt Parking Lots. Just level ALL the orgs and make everything a parking lot. Sounds good to me.


  4. Hi. Can you please tell me more about the Church of Scientology, based on the following questions:- 1) Does the church support all humanitarian issues? 2) Are it’s International members united in the same way and teaching? 3) Are they supportive towards their members at all times? 4) Are they multi-racial in every aspect? 5) Do they practice what they preach at all times? I am interested in knowing more, as long as it DOES NOT use the christian Bible which is full of contradictions, threats against humanity, and lies.


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