“The Church of Scientology faces critical situations in South Africa,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion announced today at a news conference.
“As a result of these these very critical situations,” Delusion commented, “”COB RTC David Miscavige had to fire off a Sea Org mission to South Africa to explain why HE found it necessary to declare 18 OT’s, all long duration members of the Church. COB wants people secretly briefed on the facts!”
“And while COB is not using the word ‘mutiny‘ it should be pointed out that he is quiet ready to quell any uprisings in the Church by the full application of Church of Scientology justice up to and including the sixteen things COB likes to do to SP’s:
- Declaring people SP’s and then withholding from them their SP Declares
- Cancelling all of your awards and certificates while he screams at his staff about he has to do everything himself
- Ordering OSA to make dire threats to that you will die alone and in the dark and in pain if you dare to leave the Church
- Fair Game — but what else did you expect from the Church?
- Disconnection — we publicly deny it but it is COB’s favorite thing!
- Spying on you — yes, it’s OSA in your rearview mirror
- Having OSA volunteers scream at declared SP’s on public streets
- Creating Hate websites on SP’s
- Sending PI’s to your home to dig through your trash
- Deploying teams of Squirrel Busters to harass you
- Culling your pc folders for dirt on you to use in smear campaigns
- Scathing denunciations made about you in the media by Church PR Karin Pouw
- Hate stories about Bitter Defrocked Apostates published by Freedom Magazine
- Downvoting on hater blogs such as Tony Ortega’s Underground Bunker
- Refusing to give refunds of monies on account to SP’s. And why should we? We don’t even give refunds to Scientologists in good standing!
- Allow certain weak-minded SP’s the chance to do A-E if they recant, confess everything to OSA, strike an effective blow against the enemy, and donate gigantic sums of money to the IAS.
“And these are just some of the measures COB RTC David Miscavige and his merciless robots in OSA will use to handle ‘Critical Situations’ that get out of hand!” Delusion warned Church parishioners.
“COB’s recent wave of SP declares is an emphatic warning to those Scientology parishioners who might secretly have evil thoughts about COB or are otherwise harboring blow thoughts.”
“To end on happier and more upbeat news,” Delusion concluded, “The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce that it has just opened its first Ideal Dirt Parking Lot in Durban.”
“COB plans on opening dozens of new Ideal Dirt Parking Lots in the next few years. Look for one coming to your Org very soon!”