“The Church of Scientology has a magnificent new Cathedral in Florida,” exclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“One of the more dramatic sculptures inside of our Cathedral,” Delusion noted, “depicts a translucent thetan high atop COB’s Bridge to Total Freedom.”
“Nicknamed ‘Ted the Translucent Thetan‘, the statue symbolizes ‘Clearing’ as a function of the Super Power Rundown and GAT II and is a tribute to Mr. Miscavige and his remarkable and unparalleled contributions to the Scientology religion and each of its 120,000,000 parishioners.”
“We in Scientology became aware,” Delusion noted, “that the Vatican had sent in spies to examine our magnificent new Cathedral.”
“For example,” Delusion pointed out, “our sacred and holy Scientology Cathedral has a Cafe, a coffee bar, on the ground floor — and how many other religions can boast a Cafe in their Holy of Holies or Sanctum Sanctorum?”
“The answer is that the Church of Scientology is the only religion with a coffee bar in its Holy of Holies. Or at least we were until the Catholic Church — anxious to stem the tide of membership losses to the Church of Scientology — decided to copy us by putting a Starbucks smack dab inside of Saint Peter’s Basilica!”
“While imitation is the normally the sincerest form of flattery,” Delusion remarked, “we feel that the Catholics have blatantly ripped off Scientology in this particular case.”