Holy Roman Catholic Church Copies Church of Scientology!

“The Church of Scientology has a magnificent new Cathedral in Florida,” exclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“One of the more dramatic sculptures inside of our Cathedral,” Delusion noted, “depicts a translucent thetan high atop COB’s Bridge to Total Freedom.”

“Nicknamed ‘Ted the Translucent Thetan‘, the statue symbolizes ‘Clearing’ as a function of the Super Power Rundown and GAT II and is a tribute to Mr. Miscavige and his remarkable and unparalleled contributions to the Scientology religion and each of its 120,000,000 parishioners.”

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“We in Scientology became aware,” Delusion noted, “that the Vatican had sent in spies to examine our magnificent new Cathedral.”

“For example,” Delusion pointed out, “our sacred and holy Scientology Cathedral has a Cafe, a coffee bar, on the ground floor — and how many other religions can boast a Cafe in their Holy of Holies or Sanctum Sanctorum?”

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“The answer is that the Church of Scientology is the only religion with a coffee bar in its Holy of Holies. Or at least we were until the Catholic Church — anxious to stem the tide of membership losses to the Church of Scientology — decided to copy us by putting a Starbucks smack dab inside of Saint Peter’s Basilica!”

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“While imitation is the normally the sincerest form of flattery,” Delusion remarked, “we feel that the Catholics have blatantly ripped off Scientology in this particular case.”

14 responses to “Holy Roman Catholic Church Copies Church of Scientology!

  1. I suggest in order to show them Vaticanians who’s the real deal, RTC adds a pretzel dog joint to their cafe.

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    • The Orange Julius-Dairy Queen retail unit in the Super Power Cathedral has established a new global standard whereby all religions will be judged.

      “It is not enough provide parishioners with workable religious technology,” declared Mr. Miscavige. “Indeed, a religion must also make delicious fast food available to it’s adherents.”

      Fast food in the sanctuary is part of what Mr. Miscavige calls the Total Scientology Cathedral Experience.

      Moreover, this new Orange Julius-Dairy Queen retail fast food unit is a fully hatted WISE business with an Org Board, which means it employs 125 people per shift to ensure correct operation.

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      • Praised be COB for his benevolent mission to ensure his beloved PCs are nourished between sessions and gangbang sec-checks with overpriced slop (RTC edit: moderately profitable food) prepared by drones working for pennies (only when they’re upstat).

        Henceforth COB shall be know as the Burger King of all Kings! All hail his ecclesiastically flame-broiled deliciousness!

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      • Total Scientology Cathedral Experience – well on its way to become an Ideal Ecclesiastical Mall.

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  2. Tens of billions of $cientologists clamoring for Sooper Power and only one stinkin’ coffee maker? Also, where’s the COB tip jar?

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    • Based on reports I’ve heard from high level leakers at RTC, that tip jar is filled to the brim each night with unmentionable filth.

      The first night COB made the unfortunate mistake of assuming it was Belgian chocolate. The FLAG base has been on lockdown ever since with 24/7 gang bang sec checks for all Sea Org personnel and guests at the Fort Harrison.

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  3. I’m pretty sure King Herod’s temple in Jerusalem also tried this crap and got handily and rightfully bitch-slapped by Christ. Who will drive out COB’s greedy money changers from this den of thieves?

    I’ve heard tales of a certain sighting in the sky at FLAG recently of a flying object that proffered such an omen…

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  4. It reminds me of one my favorite Biblical passages. “Render unto Caesar that which belongs to Caesar, and render unto your mouth some delicious pizza from Little Caesar’s, now offering a free two-liter of soda with any purchase of $15 or more.”

    At first I thought it was weird that they put a Little Caesar’s inside my church, but then I stopped caring because it’s delicious.

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  5. I hear there are also plans for a branch of Amazon to be opened right next to that Starbucks – outrageous!

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  6. I would like to clear up any rumors going around that there is to be a Sin-a-buns franchise planned for St. Peter’s – this is not true as this rumor has been found to be someone’s idea of a joke, and I suspect that person to be Ken Delusion.

    I can, however. confirm that “The Great Bell”, (Campanone), the largest of the six bells which ring in the bell tower at St. Peter’s, will now be known as “Taco Bell Grande”.

    An interesting tidbit about the name “Starbucks”: Legend has it that the caravan leader for the three wise men, nicknamed “North Star Buck”, concocted a hot beverage, when translated, means “Caravan Espresso”. This hot beverage was truly a God-send as it aided the wise men in waking each morning and in staying awake and alert during their long journey. The rest is history – and now you know……the rest of the story!

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  7. Sorry, but the new SP or Flag building looks like any mall Brookstone. Just without the nice automatic massage chair. Or the neat electronic gizmos. I like gizmos…..

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  8. Right on Ken! We finally agree. Those R6 panty-wasters got nothin of the CoS.

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  9. Scientology is a joke, along with all of you people, lol!

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