US Customs officials at the Port of Los Angeles last week ordered 250,000,000 new Scientology Mark VIII e-meters returned to China, this after mistaking the distinctive Scientology electropsychometer for the Hasbro Easy Bake Oven.
“Our wog customs broker failed to notify Church of Scientology officials of this in a timely manner, complained Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “and now the fleet of ships carrying the Mark VIII’s have sailed on past Pearl Harbor on their way back to Hong Kong!”
“This is a Crisis of Magnitude!” Delusion declared.
“More than 70% of Americans, and certainly everyone in California, are now trying to deal with the emotional and spiritual devastation of not having the newest Scientology e-meter — and this during the Holiday season when flubless auditing delivered in an Ideal Org is needed the most!”
“Indeed, 911 crisis calls to our Ideal Orgs have skyrocketed 50,000% since the news of this catastrophe broke! Scientology parishioners were winning in session like never before with GAT II sessions and now this! Talk about a group engram!”
“Moreover,” Delusion solemnly warned, “vital and needed planetary-changing GAT II auditing is threatened! Civilization itself is on the verge of ruin if we do not get those ships turned around and get those 250,000,000 new meters chipping away at the gruesome Planetary Bank in auditing sessions!”
“We in RTC have firm reasons to suspect that Psychiatry is behind this vast cosmic plot to derail the launch of GAT II.”
“After all,” Delusion rightfully concluded, “the only people on this entire planet who don’t want GAT II to go forward are the Psychs!”