New E-Meter Fleet Grounded Due to Battery Overheating & Fires

boeing787The same lithium ion battery overheating problem plaguing the Boeing Dreamliner has now affected Scientology’s new Ultra Mark VIII e-meter.

“The Ultra Mark VIII was designed with lithium ion batteries in order to achieve unparalleled new heights  in the sacrament of religious electropsychometry as standardly practiced in the Church of Scientology,” stated Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

Meter.11“And yet,” Delusion continued, “the wog designers of the Mark VIII failed to predict how the extreme speed of blowing charge in GAT II would lead to a localized overheating situation within the meter.”

flickrvahidg“This overheating problem in turn caused the big fire in Ideal Org Tierra del Fuego yesterday when over 1,400 Scientologists were all in session at the same time.”

“GAT II trained auditors using the the Mark VIII were blowing so much charge so quickly — and on so many cases — that fires broke out in virtually every auditing room in the Org!”

“Per policy, the MAA called ‘HCO Bring Order!’ whereupon a safe and orderly evacuation of the Org ensued with no injuries,” Delusion noted.

Razzle.Dazzle“As a safety measure, COB RTC David Miscavige has ordered the global fleet of 500,000,000 Mark VIII’s temporarily grounded to ensure parishioner safety.

“And make no mistake about it — COB cares so very deeply about the well-being of Scientology parishioners.”

“While our wog engineers look for a fix, COB has ordered the QMF — the Quantum Meter Fleet — back into active service worldwide, this to ensure that the wildly successful momentum of GAT II continues unabated,” Delusion added. “And indeed the monster blowout wins being reported in GAT II sessions are pouring into RTC at the record rate of 92,000 success stories every hour!”

“The lesson to be learned here,” Delusion concluded, “is that COB’s vital and planetary-changing GAT II technology is so extraordinarily powerful that it pushed the new Ultra Mark VIII to the edge and beyond.”

12 replies »

  1. GAT II is a global game changer. With this kind of power, security is paramount. We must all be vigilant. How long will it be before some terrorist psych devises a way to weaponize the massive blowing of charge?


    • Ouch!

      We in RTC hadn’t thought of that but certain, uh, models vibrate and are powered by the same lithium ion batteries — no cheap AA batteries for COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos.

      We in RTC and OSA would put out a DSA (Dildo Safety Advisory) except we deny all knowledge of Ecclesiastical Dildos.


  2. OMG! WowWowWow!!!!!
    The tragedy…
    Why? WHY? W.H.Y.?????

    I was in that Org in Tierra del Fuego yesterday and barely escaped without dropping the body.
    I am serious, I was this close to doing a bunk right then and there.
    But I dug deep into my Theta being and was at cause and was able to fly out a window to safety, although it was somewhat dark out and I ran into some patio furniture on landing.
    Have I mentioned I hate the color Green?

    Anyway, the charge was blowing around the room like ball lightning. No wonder those Mark VIII meters were sizzling.

    Now excuse me………I need to go cry for the next 24 hours and then I plan on joining staff.
    Awesome! There are no words!

    Does Dave have an opening for a Driver?
    I have been to car school?


    • Now that ladies and gentlemen is a SUCCESS STORY!

      BTN is very highly commended for escaping death and joining staff.

      Well done BTN, well done! COB is happy with you and so is Mr. Tom Cruise.

      And yes you can be a driver as you have been to car school?


    • You are correct: The E-Meter didn’t have the f&*king rank to overheat and yet it backflashed COB’s Command Intention and went up in flames. This sometimes happens with MEST.

      All that is left of Ideal Org Tierra del Fuego are charred remains and we can’t exactly RPF charred remains.

      What is needed and wanted is a new meter, a Mark X, that can handle the levels of charge seen in GAT II.

      Here is a prototype of the new Mark X our wog designers are working on:

      Liked by 1 person

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