Tag Archives: Church of Scientology spokesman

Church of Scientology to Open 1000 McDonald’s Franchises

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“In a desperate and clutching last-ditch attempt to recruit new members, the Church of Scientology today announced that it would be opening 1,000 McDonald’s franchises in key cities across the world,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The new recruitment program is called ‘Ideal McScientology’ and will replace the colossally failed Ideal Org program. Each Ideal McScientology restaurant will feature signage in which the Scientology and McDonald’s names and logos will be co-branded in a bold and exciting new fusion of fast food and religion.”

“The McScientology restaurants will offer the same menu as offered by standard McDonald’s but will also sell 12.5 hour intensives of auditing along with introductory courses in the “TR’s & Locationals Area” of the restaurants.

“What McDonald’s is to food,” said spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology is to religion. So come by today and ‘Theta-size’ your Big Mac combo meal with a 12.5 hour intensive of GAT II auditing or even a basic Comm course!”

The Church of Scientology is Fabulous and Huge!

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“The global demand for Scientology is huge, just incredibly huge,” exclaimed Scientology Media Czar Ken Delusion. “Folks, Scientology is fabulous, just fabulous. We are a winning Church with beautiful people.”

“Let me be clear on Scientology’s huge results: COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige continues to open Ideal Orgs at a blistering pace of 33 per day. That is amazing. We now have 217,918 Ideal Orgs scattered across the fifteen continents and 3208 countries of the world. Even in Tanzania folks. Scientology is everywhere. We are even under your bed at night when you sleep.”

“Literally we are under your bed beaming waves into your mind at night while you sleep. And that is why Scientology doesn’t want you to take Psych drugs or NyQuil or drink alcohol before you go to bed at night as these drugs block our waves from reaching deeply into your mind.”

“We want you to be fabulous and huge just like the rest of us in Scientology. That can only happen if you cooperate and let Scientology into your mind. Once we are in your mind then *POW!* the magic happens! You become one of us!”

“And now a public service message:

Scientology National Affairs Office — Press Release

Scientology National Affairs Office
1701 20th St NW
Washington, DC 20009

PRESS RELEASE

Scientologist Trish Duggan today met with senior Trump administration officials to lobby for the establishment of an Office of Scientology in the White House (OSWH). The OSWH would act as an executive police body to sec check and find the crimes of Senators and Congresspeople and other CICS government officials who show SP tendencies towards the President. The OSWH would also burglarize government offices as needed given Scientology’s historical experience in high level burglaries. Mr. Don Alverzo would be the Burglaries IC.

President Trump expressed interest but said that Scientology’s proposed prices for these services were an outrageous ripoff. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige quickly offered steep discounts for sec checking if the President promised to protect Scientology’s tax exemption and give Scientology protection from the FBI, IRS, and law enforcement agencies domestic and foreign.

Fleet Admiral Miscavige demonstrated the e-meter at a press conference today. This was followed by Mr. Ken Delusion conducting a tour of Scientology’s vitally needed new Clay Demo facility in Washington DC.

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Freedom Magazine Special Report: The Four Year Rampage of the Underground Bunker

A veritable Internet Fortress of Suppression, the Underground Bunker has broadcast entheta 24/7/365 to a global audience of over-caffeinated wogs for four consecutive Earth years now.

But what are the real facts?

“The Underground Bunker is infinitely more dangerous than even premature exposure to the OT materials,” warned Dr. Ken Delusion, CO of Flag’s Nuclear Physics Implanting Unit #3.

“To demonstrate the dangerousness of the Underground Bunker,” said Dr. Delusion, “we took two downstat Scientology publics who were on the verge of being declared and had them actually read the Underground Bunker on their laptops. The deadly and catastrophic results speak for themselves:

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“These downstats were blown fifty feet out of their heads and cognited on the importance of immediately rushing back on course in their Org and donating for their next higher IAS status level. So don’t let this happen to you! Don’t read the Underground Bunker!”

Are You a Declared SP Being Harassed by Anti-Scientologists? There is Help!

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“We in the Church of Scientology have opened up a hotline for declared SP’s to call if they feel harassed by anti-Scientologists,”  declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Even though we totally ruined these people’s lives by declaring them SP’s, we don’t want to see them get their feelings get hurt on the internet by anti-Scientologists. That is how much we care.”

“Even for declared SP’s who have been viciously Fair Gamed by OSA, disconnected from their families, spied on, and harassed, these anti-Scientologists can be far worse! The fact is that these anti-Scientologists comprise a very dangerous cult that slavishly follows wild-eyed wog ideas such as Free Speech, heated debate in which barbed epithets are hurled, logic, reason, evidence, speculation, and breaking news — all things we in the Church of Scientology despise and oppose!”

“These horrible anti-Scientology cultists cluster around their special little hateful natter boards where they worship the owners of the natter boards! It is even more sickening than fawning Scientologists yelling ‘Hip Hip Hooray!’ to an enormous photo our dead Founder or applauding for hours and hours our dearly beloved and cosmically significant leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”

“These anti-Scientologists behave far worse than OSA, RTC, and the GO rolled into one! Worse, these anti-Scientologist Jokers & Degraders are possessed of a lavish, excessive, flamboyant, and clownish sense of humor that is dipped in shoops and deep fried in japery! Scientology is a deadly serious and grim activity — we can’t have any laughs here folks!”

Church of Scientology Steps Up Security After Four Disconnection Protesters Disrupt Human Rights Celebration at the Great Palace of Auditing

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Scientology’s paid mercenaries protect the Great Palace of Auditing. Located in Los Angeles, the Great Palace of Auditing has 1,500 auditing rooms, 300 interrogation chambers, and 82 dungeons.

“The protests must stop!” declared Mr. Ken Delusion, Commanding Officer of Scientology Friendliness Services at the Great Palace of Auditing in Los Angeles.

“How are we in Scientology supposed to celebrate Human Rights when four SP’s are out on the street protesting our voluntary Disconnection policy, child labor practices, sec checks, RPF, and our many other life-affirming pro-family ecclesiastical practices?”

“We in Scientology are very friendly,” stated Delusion. “However, we will not hesitate to use our armed mercenaries or vicious guard dogs against these savage and wildly enthetatastic protesters whose protest signs and suppressive Suppression threaten the case gain and Bridge progress of every single Scientologist on the Planet!”

“As auditing refusenik Dr. Miscavige has warned us, Suppression can sabotage one’s progress at any and every level of the Bridge from Clear to OT. These SP’s can literally destroy years or decades of case gain and incinerate millions of dollars in auditing, case cracking, and even the state of OTVIII just by walking down the public sidewalks in front of our Orgs. SP’s are savagely vicious and dangerous and must be stopped!” roared Delusion in a purple rage of angry histrionics and hysteria that reminded many of Captain David Miscavige.

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Lisa Marie Presley Disrepects Fleet Admiral David Miscavige!

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Tony Ortega reported that ex-Scientologist Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis Presley and former wife of late pop legend Michael Jackson, has been plotting to covertly undermine the leadership of the Church of Scientology…

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Lisa Marie refuses to obey Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s authoritay!

We in RTC can confirm that Lisa Marie Presley has been plotting with others to covertly undermine the leadership, stature, and greatness of Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, the Lord High Protector of Teegeeack.

For her crimes,  Lisa Marie has been declared a Suppressive Person. Her only terminal is the IJC. It is hoped that Lisa Marie will come to her
senses, recant, and do Steps A-E rather. As it stands now, Lisa Marie has thrown away her eternity, her eligibility for OT IX and OT X, and has forfeited all certs and IAS statuses. The enormity of losing one’s IAS status cannot be understated.

“As a result of increased suppression, a shocking, unprecedented, and highest-ever 47x wave of SP Declares is coming,” warned Mr. Ken Delusion, CO OSA Purges Bureaux. “Fleet Admiral Miscavige and Vice Admiral Tom Cruise will very soon be declaring 2.5% of the Church’s 1,200,000,000 members in a housecleaning of epic proportions the likes of which has not been seen since the Missionholder Massacre of 1982 by the Int Finance Police under the heroic leadership of Mr. Miscavige.”

“The Fleet Admiral has kept the door open just a crack. Scientologists who are in on the plot to undermine Fleet Admiral Miscavige have 72 hours to turn themselves in to OSA 2, confess their crimes, and give OSA 2 a full write up and debrief on their fellow plotters. To reiterate, the enormity of losing one’s exalted IAS status cannot be understated.”

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Illustration: Jack Chick