“The Church of Scientology has done the impossible,” exclaimed Dr. Eldon Weiner of the Flag Land Base.
“There was a very real chance that Al Qaeda was going to launch some kind of wild-eyed Muslim terrorist attack on the City of Clearwater. This attack would have threatened every man, woman, and child in this city,” Weiner declared. “But did anyone in the federal, state, or local government know about it or do anything about it?”
“Sadly, the answer is no,” Weiner stated.
“It was only by the dauntless, defiant, and resolute action of the Church of Scientology that the entire city of Clearwater was spared from certain death.”
Dr. Weiner then produced four Muslim turbans and said, “Sea Org security experts were inspecting the local area around the new Flag Building when they found these terrorist Muslim turbans hidden in two oak trees.”
“These turbans are proof that Osama bin Laden’s people were using those two worthless old dangerous trees to conduct surveillance operations on the downtown Clearwater area!”
“As law-abiding Americans concerned for the life and safety of our community and America itself, we in the Church of Scientology didn’t wait for our government to take forever to respond to this grave threat!”
“No sir, we Scientologists put on our Minute Men hats, armed ourselves with chainsaws, and went directly to the literal root of the problem by sawing down those two nasty trees that were serving as Al Qaeda surveillance posts right here in our dear old beloved Clearwater!,” Weiner roared.
“We took the fight to the enemy and saved Clearwater. And yes, there is no need to thank we in the Church of Scientology. We were just doing our duty as concerned citizens.”