Church of Scientology Saves Clearwater from Deadly Terrorist Attack!

“The Church of Scientology has done the impossible,” exclaimed Dr. Eldon Weiner of the Flag Land Base.

“There was a very real chance that Al Qaeda was going to launch some kind of wild-eyed Muslim terrorist attack on the City of Clearwater. This attack would have threatened every man, woman, and child in this city,” Weiner declared. “But did anyone in the federal, state, or local government know about it or do anything about it?”

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine

“Sadly, the answer is no,” Weiner stated.

“It was only by the dauntless, defiant, and resolute action of the Church of Scientology that the entire city of Clearwater was spared from certain death.”

Dr. Weiner then produced four Muslim turbans and said, “Sea Org security experts were inspecting the local area around the new Flag Building when they found these terrorist Muslim turbans hidden in two oak trees.”

“These turbans are proof that Osama bin Laden’s people were using those two worthless old dangerous trees to conduct surveillance operations on the downtown Clearwater area!”

“As law-abiding Americans concerned for the life and safety of our community and America itself, we in the Church of Scientology didn’t wait for our government to take forever to respond to this grave threat!”

“No sir, we Scientologists put on our Minute Men hats, armed ourselves with chainsaws, and went directly to the literal root of the problem by sawing down those two nasty trees that were serving as Al Qaeda surveillance posts right here in our dear old beloved Clearwater!,” Weiner roared.

“We took the fight to the enemy and saved Clearwater. And yes, there is no need to thank we in the Church of Scientology. We were just doing our duty as concerned citizens.”

13 replies »

  1. It’s a well known fact that Al Qaeda targeted Clearwater for over 40 years in an attempt to compete with Russian intelligence, in order to monitor the true leaders of the world – Scientology OT’s.

    Well, no more.

    Clearwater is now the first oasis of freedom and super powers in the world!

    You are welcome World.


  2. One probably should not pose the obvious question, how did Elder Weiner identify the turbans as Muslim? Could they have been muslin turbans, a common material from which turbans are woven. I certainly hope this was not a word clearing issue.

    Turbans are worn by people of any number of faiths all over the world depending on their home country. For example, at the New Delhi Ideal Org we have thousands of Church members who wear a turban. Likewise the Orgs in Mogadishu and Bangladesh, not too mention our brethren right here in the Nation of Islam.

    Forgive me for saying so, but each time this man opens his mouth, folks wonder whether he’ll again find room for his foot.

    A rush to judgement is a fool’s errand.


    • greetings otviiiisgrrr8! less of greetings to you, jgg2012. i am pleased to see that you have come to realize the criminal conspiracy between al qaeda and big pharma. this is a fact that those wogs over at wikipedia will not recognize: the soviets were not fighting al qaeda in afghanistan from ’79 to ’89 but slick suited, off purpose, big pharma agents who had infiltrated afghanistan to administer psychotropic drugs to the local populace as a means to cost control pharmaceutical r&d budgets since cob, osa and the rest of the valiant c.o.s. had exposed their nefarious plans to run the same tests in the united states and the united kingdom. with the press on their backs, big pharma had no choice but to turn to turn to a third world nation like afghanistan to continue their testing without excess scrutiny or cost. i figure it will take an additional 157,192,324,789 ideal orgs coupled with new super power centers to be built in the capital of every nation around the world to fully handle the al qaeda/big pharma problem. that said, back to fundraising. hey jgg2012, could i see you in my office to discuss an important planetary clearing goal and how you can help?


      • I can help by giving Davey all my money. Also by jumping on coaches, groping male masseuses and making stupid comments on twitter about anyone who defects.


      • Bravo r2-45!

        Yours is a brilliant Scientology-based geopolitical analysis, which analysis shows why, as you stated, “an additional 157,192,324,789 ideal orgs coupled with new super power centers to be built in the capital of every nation around the world to fully handle the al qaeda/big pharma problem.”

        Now more than ever, all of us need to raise our IAS Patron status.


  3. your money is a start but we already have tc trouncing every couch in sight like he is personally kicking the living shi% out of xenu, jt groping every male who comes within reach like it is free sausage night in vienna and ka making theta, on-point comments via twitter regarding those who would voluntarily give up their eternal salvation by leaving the only solution for clearing this galaxy sector like she is tokyo rose on crack! i believe, and otviiiisgrrr8 could confirm for us, that cob requires your first born male child, 3 liters of your blood and 1 gallon of your semen (do not ask why. cob does not like to be questioned). please hurry on these additional needs. who knows? we may even be able to get your ethics up straight and vertical, jgg2012…


  4. cob is currently kicking butt on mount olympus by putting ethics in on the gods. surely you do not believe that the most important ecclesiastical leader in this galaxy sector can be reached by mere mortals, especially such db’s as ray “i believe everything i am told even though my clients are apostates, liars, drug addicts, big pharma reps, anonymous/terrorist supporters and child abusers” jeffrey? i am sure that my dear leader cob has a few significant and theta ideas as to where mr. jeffrey may most roughly place said subpoenas. as to where you may send said items, i believe you may forward them all to ka. i hear that she is hungry again and the horrified s.o. members have stopped moving in her presence so as to reduce risk of ingestion.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.