Tag Archives: Sea Org

We in Scientology are not a Cult!


We in Scientology are not a Cult! Plenty of religions have paramilitaries, prisons, beat their clergy & conduct interrogations on members.

Are You a Tough Angry Sonofabitch? If so, Scientology Wants You!

Scientology Security Forces Shatter Suppression!

We in the Church of Scientology are the world’s fastest growing religion. Our growth continues to skyrocket uncontrollably as billions of thetans clamor for Scientology goods and services like never before.

But with this growth comes unparalleled magnitudes of suppression from SP’s. This is where you as a tough angry sonofabitch enter the scene. Scientology needs unemployed soccer hooligans, felons out on parole, and other brutal thugs who need to live off the grid for various reasons. We don’t ask. In fact, we can create a new name and identity for you as a Scientology minister.

The Sea Org is a group of tough sons of bitches. We get things done. Qualified candidates must be able to physically beat SP’s in the streets and to be able to withstand being physically beaten as required.  Ecclesiastical beatings are a part of the Sea Org tradition. We are just like the British Navy in the 18th century in that respect, which is to say your criminal history and extensive arrest record make you very desirable to Scientology.

Uniforms are provided. Free room and board. Weekly pay ranges from zero to as much as $46.50 for a 100 hour work week. All new hires will be trained to confront and shatter suppression the old fashioned way! (wink wink)

Scientology Targeting Children

“With Sea Org recruitment at an all time low, we in Scientology have decided to target children,” announced Ken Delusion.

“We’re using colorful clown vending machines at toy stores, ice cream parlors, and other places children like.”

“As a child approaches the colorful vending machine, a trap door  opens up and swallows the child.”

“Children are nothing more than trillion year old thetans in little bodies. Sea Org life will toughen up these freeloading little phonies who want to exploit “growing up” into their 20’s!


Billy on the Street – Escape from Scientology with Rachel Dratch

David Miscavige – Louis Farrakhan Telethon Sells Billions of Copies of Battlefield Earth!



“Thanks to the Battlefield Earth Telethon hosted by David Miscavige and Louis Farrakhan on Scientology Media Productions, billions of copies of Battlefield Earth were sold within the first hour of the relaunch of the 34 year old science fiction masterpiece,” declared Stayta Kleer, VP of Continuously Recycled Antiquated Products for Author Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of the Church of Spiritual Confusion.

“And as a result of the Scientology Sea Org one billion year contract being included in each copy of Battlefield Earth, over 1.2 million applications to join the Sea Org were received in the past 24 hours!” enthused Stayta Kleer.

“Battlefield Earth and the Sea Org: That’s winning in life!”

Jesus Christ Joins Scientology’s Sea Org


Admitting that Christianity doesn’t work because it is based upon a completely false supernaturalism, Jesus Christ today cut his hair, shaved off his beard, and joined Scientology’s Sea Org.

“Scientology is based upon science,” Jesus said, “whereas Christianity is based on faith.”

“And I’ve come to realize over the past two hundred years that I need to stop with the false supernaturalism and faith stuff and follow science instead. When I read Dianetics, I realized that Scientology is the world’s only real science. That’s why I’ve joined the Sea Org.”

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced that new Sea Org member Jesus Christ has been assigned to Scientology’s Ideal Pacifica Base where he will work the  streets of Hollywood as a body router.

Give Billy Eichner All the Emmys for This “Escape from Scientology” Obstacle Course

We in the Church of Scientology highly recommend OT Billy Eichner’s “Escape From Scientology” video. Billy is hereby awarded his Bridge to Total Freedom at 50% off list price. Billy Eichner is also awarded a Medal of Valor just like the one Tom Cruise was awarded by our glorious and infallible leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.