Tag Archives: Sea Org

Applications now being accepted for the Sea Org One Billion Year Smoking Club!

* Do you like smoking cigarettes and lots of them? We do too! So does COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige! So did L. Ron Hubbard!

* Do you like the idea of smoking cigarettes while working for a billion years to clear the planet? We do too! So does COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige! So did L. Ron Hubbard!

Now you can have the best of both worlds by joining the Sea Org One Billion Year Smoking Club! Benefits include a bunk, rice and beans, and a theater usher uniform! Plus you get to be in a fake Navy! Applications now being accepted! Past LSD use is no longer a problem! In fact, if you have a pulse and can walk you’re welcome to the Sea Org!

Scientology + Heavy Cigarette Smoking = Thetan Satisfaction!

Scientologist Tom Cruise Quits Acting to Become an Auditor in the Sea Org

Scientologist Tom Cruise announced today that he has quit his acting career to become an auditor in the Sea Org. “This planet’s not going to get cleared unless I help,” said Cruise. “That’s why I’ve become a Sea Org auditor at the Celebrity Centre — and that’s what all of us have to do: We have to sacrifice now to help to get this planet cleared.”

Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion remarked that, “Tom Cruise’s first preclear is a tough case, a new Scientologist named Harvey Weinstein. Tom already has Harvey writing up his crimes and this may take years to complete.”

Danny Masterson Joins the Sea Org CLO in Canada

“Danny Masterson wanted a higher purpose in life than acting,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “Danny also needed a billion year break from the entheta of Hollywood, a change of jurisdiction so to speak.”

“And so that’s why Danny joined the Sea Org in Canada. He has been transported to Ice Station Hubbard, a remote CLO Base somewhere north of the Arctic Circle. Accessible only by air, Danny made what was probably the last flight into ISH now that winter has set in. There’s no cellphones or telexes up there either. Danny is basically inaccessible and COB likes it that way.”

Ice.Station.Hubbard

We in Scientology are not a Cult!

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We in Scientology are not a Cult! Plenty of religions have paramilitaries, prisons, beat their clergy & conduct interrogations on members.

Are You a Tough Angry Sonofabitch? If so, Scientology Wants You!

Scientology Security Forces Shatter Suppression!

We in the Church of Scientology are the world’s fastest growing religion. Our growth continues to skyrocket uncontrollably as billions of thetans clamor for Scientology goods and services like never before.

But with this growth comes unparalleled magnitudes of suppression from SP’s. This is where you as a tough angry sonofabitch enter the scene. Scientology needs unemployed soccer hooligans, felons out on parole, and other brutal thugs who need to live off the grid for various reasons. We don’t ask. In fact, we can create a new name and identity for you as a Scientology minister.

The Sea Org is a group of tough sons of bitches. We get things done. Qualified candidates must be able to physically beat SP’s in the streets and to be able to withstand being physically beaten as required.  Ecclesiastical beatings are a part of the Sea Org tradition. We are just like the British Navy in the 18th century in that respect, which is to say your criminal history and extensive arrest record make you very desirable to Scientology.

Uniforms are provided. Free room and board. Weekly pay ranges from zero to as much as $46.50 for a 100 hour work week. All new hires will be trained to confront and shatter suppression the old fashioned way! (wink wink)

Scientology Targeting Children

“With Sea Org recruitment at an all time low, we in Scientology have decided to target children,” announced Ken Delusion.

“We’re using colorful clown vending machines at toy stores, ice cream parlors, and other places children like.”

“As a child approaches the colorful vending machine, a trap door  opens up and swallows the child.”

“Children are nothing more than trillion year old thetans in little bodies. Sea Org life will toughen up these freeloading little phonies who want to exploit “growing up” into their 20’s!

 

Billy on the Street – Escape from Scientology with Rachel Dratch