Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that alleged domestic terrorist Devon Newman was never actually a member of the Church.
“We looked everywhere,” Delusion stated, “And nowhere could we find any actual records indicating that Devon Newman was ever a member of the Church of Scientology.”
“What apparently happened is that Ms. Newman showed up one day at the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce and signed herself up as the new PR Director of the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre.
“The problem is that no one at the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce bothered to confirm this with the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre, so this entire matter of Devon Newman and her alleged domestic terrorism is the fault of the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce,” Delusion noted.
“To make matters worse, the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce was getting several requests everyday from local groups eager to learn about Scientology, the world’s fastest growing religion. The Chamber bypassed the Church by sending Newman out on speaking and lecture tours in response to the many requests for Scientology speakers.”
“What Devon Newman was really after,” Delusion observed, “was the tremendous personal prestige that comes with being a member of the Church of Scientology.”
Freedom Magazine reporter Dr. Eldon Weiner added, “Everyone wants to be a member of the Church of Scientology so they can rub elbows with movie stars and get rich quick using the surefire wealth-creating technology available only in the Church of Scientology.”
“It is a proven fact,” Weiner added, “that the Church of Scientology makes ten new millionaires a day. And so why this Devon Newman woman — who was a downstat off the street — saw that impersonating a Scientologist was the way to get herself invited to all of the chic events in Las Vegas. Imagine the nerve of that woman — there she was eating jumbo shrimp cocktails with Wayne Newton while passing herself off as the PR Director of the ultra-prestigious Las Vegas Celebrity Centre!”
“It all makes sense now,” Wiener noted. “The reasons the stats crashed in Las Vegas is because this Newman woman was out presenting squirrel Scientology to the local community. Now that we got that fixed, Las Vegas will start booing again.”
When asked by reporters how Devon Newman was able to pull off her fraudulent work as the PR Director of the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre for over three years, Weiner replied, “On any given day over 2,000 raw meat wog public join Celebrity Centre Las Vegas so it was pretty easy for this Newman woman to get lost in the shuffle.”
“She was a mousy little wallflower,” Weiner concluded. “No one had any idea she was a domestic terrorist. Once she was arrested all the facts came out and we in the Church of Scientology are glad to wash our hands of this horrible woman!”