Tag Archives: Flag

New Senior Management Team Appointed at Flag

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The New Flag Management Team L – R: Nigel Fremont; Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont; Chester Hillsborough; David Vickers

Captain David Miscavige has appointed a tough new and aggressive non-Scientology Senior Management team at Flag:

Nigel Fremont CO FLB: After spending decades in the CIA fomenting violent revolutions in the Middle East, Nigel is perfectly equipped to brutally crush any threatened mutiny, backflash, counter-intention, or natter at Flag. Nigel became LRH’s CIA handler after MC retired.

Dr. Stanley H. D. Dumont Snr C/S Int, a psychiatrist who lost his license for running a Siberia-style prison camp for MI6 where forced lobotomies and ECT were performed, Dr. Dumont brings his unique and ruthless “case cracking” talents to Flag. Scientologists will henceforth be cleared and gotten up and onto SOLO NOTs in record times or else!

Commander Chester Hillsborough RTC Rep Flag: Widely feared in the intelligence for his enhanced interrogation techniques. Should you be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a “metered sec check” you will much be better off fleeing the country in terror and going into permanent hiding.

Lieutenant Commander David Vickers: An expert in international money laundering, credit card fraud, mortgage fraud, embezzlement, offshore banking, and structuring cash deposits, Captain Vickers will help you find a way to pay for your entire Bridge now. If you refuse to cooperate on financial arrangements you will be ordered to report to Commander Hillsborough for a metered sec check.

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David Miscavige Reacts to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium’s Refusal to sell Scientology the 1.4 Acre Parcel

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The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience!

So many Scientologists wish they had served with the Founder aboard the Flagship Apollo. One of the most celebrated ecclesiastical ceremonies aboard the Apollo was to be overboarded, i.e. seized and thrown over the side of the ship in stark terror for your transgressions. Well now you can have this experience at Flag Land Base.

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The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience begins when you’re suddenly and unexpectedly approached by three burly Sea Org Ethics Officers. These ruthless toughs seize you bodily and mercilessly toss you overboard as they curse you in the most obscene and profane ways for being out ethics on all dynamics. It’s a 60 foot (20 meter) vertical drop into a large and very deep saltwater tank whose swirling and freezing waters will challenge you to breathe as you fight for your very life! $3250 donation. If you’re a weakling and actually need to be rescued there will be an additional $7500 donation assessed against your monies on account. Waivers must be signed holding FSO harmless from all injuries up to and including death.

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“This can’t be happening to me at the happiest place on Earth!” you’ll be thinking as you suddenly realize you’re actually drowning in real life while experiencing the terrifying onset of hypothermia in the freezing and turbulent waters. As the stinging and freezing saltwater sears your lungs and you fade in and out consciousness, you realize that without the Sea Org rescue team you will be dead in a few minutes. As your life hangs in the balance, the Sea Org rescue team informs you that you must up your IAS status and donate $40,000 to TWTH global salvage campaigns as a condition of being rescued. Otherwise, so what? Go pick up a new body.

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Should you succumb, please be assured that we in RTC and all other Scientologists in good standing will blame you for pulling it in. Your body will placed into a weighted burlap sack. Your remains will then be transported out into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark of night on a skiff by Cuban fisherman. There, you will dumped into the murky depths and any memory of you will be immediately and forever forgotten in the eternal and golden travertine halls of FLB.

Church of Scientology Now Offering Full Refunds to Anyone Who Asks!

Not really. We’re just using clickbait to lure you here for a free ARC break repair session at Flag.

Our stat is “recover people back on the Bridge.” We need to recover you and get you back winning in session. This is an order straight from COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Warning: If you don’t get your ARC breaks handled and get to Flag, then the Psychs will surely kidnap you and turn you into a zombie:

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Flag OT Success Stories

We at Flag Land Base make OT’s; that is our business. And our OT’s have major stable wins and huge successes in life. We share a few of their millions of their success stories here.

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Hector B., New OT III, New York City: I have never had luck with the ladies. After completing the SRD, I postulated a 2D. Suddenly, I met Juanita and asked her to marry me a week later. We are to be married at Flag this summer after she completes the Purification Rundown. I want my wife to be clean and not have a drug haze or drug residues in her body. Thank you COB!

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Bryce M. New OTV, Sydney: After finishing the Basics, I realized my power as a thetan. I postulated a sweet ride and a pair of badass Nike Air Foamposite One’s and bingo! I now have a sweet ride, my Nikes, and am changing traffic lights from red to green by putting out intention beams! Thank you COB!

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Tom C., New OT VIII, Hollywood: Woooooooohooooo! I’m in love! She’s the one! I am so like…….wooooooooooooohoooooooooooo! Just wait until I get her incisor teeth filed down!!!! The wedding is in July and only real OT’s are invited!!! No SP’s or Shelly are allowed!!! Thank you sir, thank you COB!!!!

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Denise M., Entire Bridge Retread 3x, Clearwater: After finishing the Ups and Downs in Life course at Flag, I cognited that trading weed for rent money is out ethics. Thank you COB.

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Gerald C., Grade 0 Completion, South Africa: My billionaire OT parents in California hate me for being fat, dumpy, downstat, and embarrassing. After completing Grade 0, I began working out and losing weight. I hope my parents will allow me to come back home.

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Brad and Sissy L., New OT VIII’s, Miami: Sissy and I have it all as OT VIII’s. We take great pride in our knowingness that we are part of the most spiritually elite group on the planet. It all became so easy and effortless when my SP father dropped his meat sack and I inherited hundreds of millions of dollars. Sissy and I are so much like COB: We don’t want any children because children are dangerous BT-infested little meat bodies who will only get in the way of our Bridge progress on OT IX and OT X. Thank you COB!

Tom Cruise Movie Stunt Goes Badly Wrong

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Buoyed by the success of his Airbus plane-hanging stunt in Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Scientology OT and actor Tom Cruise decided to “up the gradient” to the next level of airplane stunt work. Accordingly, Cruise had his stunt team strap him to the starboard conformal fuel tank of an American F-15E fighter plane. “Things went well at V1 and V2 speeds,”  said stunt coordinator and fellow Scientologist Bud Delong. “Tom was hanging on to the F-15 like a real pro.”

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“The scene Tom insisted upon called for the pilot of the F-15 to go to full afterburners as soon as the aircraft lifted off. “This is where the problems began,” said Delong. “The sudden acceleration from 135 knots to Mach 1.2 was, in looking back at the stunt, not a good idea. The flesh began ripping off Tom’s face and body at around 180 knots.”

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“This was definitely an engram-causing situation for Tom,” said Delong. “In the sixty seconds it took the F-15 to hit Mach 1.2 as it climbed through 30,000 feet Tom’s body had been ripped to pieces and hurled to the Earth. It was a real mess what with Tom Cruise’s meat body scattered all over the farms under the flight path.

“Fortunately, Flag has the exact technology needed to reassemble an OT,” Delong commented. “And so we collected and packed up the bits of Tom in dry ice and shipped him off to Flag by Fed-Ex overnight.”

“Flag reassembled Tom using the latest Super Power Rundowns. Tom is swollen something fierce and his head is the size of one of them big round Cuban watermelons, but that should all settle out in a few weeks with the use of daily auditing, touch assists, and Cal Mag.”

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“Tom told me he felt great,” Delong remarked. “He chalked it all up to the fact that Earth meat bodies at this present time just can’t handle his OTness.”

COB RTC David Miscavige Shows How to Correctly Slug PC’s Using GAT II Tech

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Acclaimed as a child prodigy auditor at St. Hill for putting in harsh ethics on his preclear in session by use of a quick rabbit punch to the stomach, COB RTC David Miscavige today showed Flag auditors how to handle troublesome preclears in GAT II sessions.

Involuntarily assisted by Church spokesman Ken Delusion who was standing next to COB, Mr. Miscavige emphasized this point: “The key technical handling in GAT II is *KAPOW!* a quick clean right hook to the jaw of the preclear. But here’s the main thing: The preclear can’t see it coming; it has to be a sucker punch that really impinges! Ken Delusion didn’t even see it coming, did you Ken?”

Bloodied and in a state of shock, Delusion seemed dazed by the sudden and unexpected ecclesiastical blow to the head. Unable to answer and thus having comm lagged, Delusion was immediately escorted away and placed into a lower ethics condition for trying to make COB wrong.

Undeterred by Delusion’s suppressive dramatization, COB continued his lecture: “My handling of preclears at St. Hill became such a succesful action for me that I have continued for several decades now to use my COB tech of hitting, punching, choking, and kicking Sea Org execs and anyone else who backflashes me or shows any counter-intention to Command Intention. Once I even had to put a fork through the hand of a public who backflashed me at dinner. But that’s what it takes sometimes.”

“I  piloted my sucker punch GAT II right hook tech on executives at Gold Base,” COB boasted. “COB Tech is based upon the stable datum that, ‘when order is put into disorder, confusion blows off.’ Granted, Sea Org execs also tend to blow but that is the cost of handling counter-intention or any reasonableness in my environment,” stated Mr. Miscavige.