Tag Archives: arrested

Xenu’s Criminal Associate Arrested

“Spacelord Xenu’s long-time criminal associate Darth Vader was arrested and taken into custody at the Scientology World Fair in Hemet,” announced International Justice Chief Mr. Ken Delusion.

“Vader was spotted in the Operating Thetan Pavilion trying to steal upper level materials as these fetch astronomically high prices on both the Marcabian Black Market and in Hong Kong,” Delusion reported.

“Alert RTC security forces overpowered and apprehended Vader — a criminal fugitive who has been on Scientology’s Top Ten Most Wanted Listed since 1983. Vader will be imprisoned in an electronic mountain prison without bail while he awaits trial on millions of felony charges of Implanting Humans by use of Reverse Dianetics.

Dr. Phil Interviews Scientologist Joy Villa — Or is it Joy Violence?

Dr. Phil: We have Joy Villa on the phone. In 2007 Joy was arrested and booked under California penal code 273.5(A), which is domestic violence with injury to a spouse. And yet she now says she wants to run for Congress. My question: Joy Villa what makes you think you’re fit to run for Congress? Have you resolved your anger issues?

Joy Villa: Dr. Phil, I think we need to focus on making America great again and not on the past.

DP: But you beat your boyfriend in the middle of the street after getting in a fight with your own mother and beating her. And you were arrested…

JV: Floridians need infrastructure and that’s my number one priority if I run for Congress… roads, handling traffic…

DP: Joy you’re not answering my question. I also need to remind our viewers about these dominatrix photos of you that are all over the internet. And then there’s Scientology. You’re very involved in Scientology and yet claim to be a Christian. Seems to me you’ll do anything to get attention and have never confronted your anger issues…

JV: It’s not anger or rage. It’s what Scientology calls an implant. This all started 75,000,000 years ago. And I can handle these implants once I get to OTIII…

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Arrested in North Korea


In an attempt to punish America, North Korea arrested Scientology leader David Miscavige during his inspection tour of Scientology’s Ideal Org Pyongyang.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said that America will now quickly collapse without the supremely wise guidance and leadership of the great humanitarian David Miscavige.

Asked for a comment by reporters, the US State Department replied, “North Korea apparently reads and believes Scientology’s websites to be true. This is quite comical.”

When pressed for a response to David Miscavige having been sentenced to 25 years of hard manual labor on a prison farm, a US State Department official commented that the weather in North Korea was actually rather pleasant this time of year.

Alleged Domestic Terrorist Devon Newman Was Never a Scientologist!

Devon.1Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that alleged domestic terrorist Devon Newman was never actually a member of the Church.

“We looked everywhere,” Delusion stated, “And nowhere could we find any actual records indicating that Devon Newman was ever a member of the Church of Scientology.”

“What apparently happened is that Ms. Newman showed up one day at the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce and signed herself up as the new PR Director of the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre.

“The problem is that no one at the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce bothered to confirm this with the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre, so this entire matter of Devon Newman and her alleged domestic terrorism is the fault of the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce,” Delusion noted.

Las Vegas Celebrity Centre

“To make matters worse, the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce was getting several requests everyday from local groups eager to learn about Scientology, the world’s fastest growing religion. The Chamber bypassed the Church by sending Newman out on speaking and lecture tours in response to the many requests for Scientology speakers.”

“What Devon Newman was really after,” Delusion observed, “was the tremendous personal prestige that comes with being a member of the Church of Scientology.”

Freedom Magazine reporter Dr. Eldon Weiner added, “Everyone wants to be a member of the Church of Scientology so they can rub elbows with movie stars and get rich quick using the surefire wealth-creating technology available only in the Church of Scientology.”

“It is a proven fact,” Weiner added, “that the Church of Scientology makes ten new millionaires a day. And so why this Devon Newman woman — who was a downstat off the street — saw that impersonating a Scientologist was the way to get herself invited to all of the chic events in Las Vegas. Imagine the nerve of that woman — there she was eating jumbo shrimp cocktails with Wayne Newton while passing herself off as the PR Director of the ultra-prestigious Las Vegas Celebrity Centre!”

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine

“It all makes sense now,” Wiener noted. “The reasons the stats crashed in Las Vegas is because this Newman woman was out presenting squirrel Scientology to the local community. Now that we got that fixed, Las Vegas will start booing again.”

When asked by reporters how Devon Newman was able to pull off her fraudulent work as the PR Director of the Las Vegas Celebrity Centre for over three years, Weiner replied, “On any given day over 2,000 raw meat wog public join Celebrity Centre Las Vegas so it was pretty easy for this Newman woman to get lost in the shuffle.”

“She was a mousy little wallflower,” Weiner concluded. “No one had any idea she was a domestic terrorist. Once she was arrested all the facts came out and we in the Church of Scientology are glad to wash our hands of this horrible woman!”


Church of Scientology Reverend Devon Newman Arrested in Plot to Kill Police Officer


Devon Newman. Photo: Las Vegas Sun Times

We in the Church of Scientology have just received data that  Scientologist Devon Newman was arrested by the Las Vegas Police Department on charges of conspiracy to commit murder, conspiracy to commit kidnapping and attempted first-degree kidnapping with use of a deadly weapon.


David Brutsche. Photo: Las Vegas Sun Times

Newman, PR Director of the Church’s Las Vegas Celebrity Centre appeared in court today with her alleged co-conspirator David Brutsche.  Newman told the court that she did not understand the charges and added, “I have hurt no one, I wish to be released on bail.”

While we in the Church of Scientology have not issued a formal statement on the matter pending a review, we can say that the arrest of Scientologist and OT IV Devon Newman marks a departure from the ideal scene.

A departure from the ideal scene frequently occurs when people go past a word they do not understand.

Such appears to be the case here.

Undercover officers in the Las Vegas Police Department may not have word cleared what Devon Newman and her purported co-conspirator actually said when they allegedly conspired to kidnap, imprison, and murder a police officer, this in order to make a statement about the Sovereignty movement.