Speaking today at a crowded press conference from Flag Land Base where comprehensively incoherent preparations for GAT II are underway, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced one the most sweeping technical changes ever.
“COB RTC David Miscavige has perfected the Grade Chart. And make no mistake about it,” Delusion emphasized, “the Founder wrestled with the Grade Chart. It is only through COB’s dedicated work as the top technical terminal on the planet that the new Grade Chart was perfected.
“Seriously, look at how unnecessarily complicated the old Grade is with all that writing on it. So yes, if you find it hard to read it’s not your fault. Those SP transcriptionists from the wrong side of the gene pool really managed to mangle the old grade chart.”
“COB’s most brilliant work was to boldly make IAS membership and sec checks actual Bridge actions — and this due to the fact that they have become actual Bridge actions. COB expects Scientologists to not only increase their IAS Patron status on an ongoing basis, he also expects them to regularly spit out their crimes during sec checks if they ever hope to go up their Bridge.”
“The most unique feature of Mr. Miscavige’s new grade chart is that it is circular. This is necessary given the fact that New OT VIII’s are so blown out by their wins and complete cause over life that they need the grounding of the Basics and the Purif. And yes, the chart will be revised just as soon as COB releases OT IX and OT X!”
“I’m really looking forward to both GAT II and OT IX and OT X,” Delusion fondly concluded.